Webster Love

Confessions of a Baby Monster - part 2

2010-03-12T23:22:00.000-06:00

4 Weeks Old - Dreaming of all things milk-related...

4 Weeks old - sleeping on Mommy is pretty much all I do these days. She doesn't mind.

Almost 1 month old! Mommy's Best Friend and her son are admiring me. Ahhh.

Almost a month old. I don't know what I'm doing right here. If you know what I'm doing here, can you please tell me?

1 Month Birthday! I got an all-expense paid trip to Bass Pro Shops. Yeah, blame that idea on daddy. But look, I'm having a good time.

5 Days Old - Sorry, I had to throw this in. Look at how stinking cute I am! Mommy's best friend came over and took these (yes, there's more) pics of me.

1 Month. Haha.

1 Month. I believe this is the ugliest outfit I've ever worn. Hands down. Whomever bought me this should be spanked with a wooden spoon.

6 Weeks Old. Hmmm....

7 Weeks old. Oh my. I am terribly handsome.

8 Weeks old. Chillin' with mom. Mom looks tired. I keep her up a lot, but she doesn't seem to mind.

Confessions of a Baby Monster - part 1

2010-03-06T23:30:00.000-06:00

3 Days Old. Already have mommy wrapped around my finger!

5 Days Old. Finally home! This is the good life!

5 Days Old. Mom thinks my milk face is adorable.

9 Days Old. I pooped on Aunt Kim and she thought it was hysterical!

2 Weeks Old. When I bend my neck like this, mom feels sorry for me and picks me up.

2 Weeks Old. Silly mom, she thinks I can actually play in this right now. ::rolls eyes::

08-07-2009, 2.5 weeks old, mom's birthday! She thinks I'm the best thing that ever walked...err..whatever.

2.5 Weeks Old. I'm as sleepy a a newborn!

2.5 Weeks Old. Pssst...stay tuned for more.

Aw, Croup! and more...

2010-02-07T23:16:00.000-06:00

Yep. Baby Max had the Croup (not to be confused with "The Clap", or, more seriously, "Whooping Cough"). He got it at about 5 1/2 months old. That was the first time he had gotten sick, so it was a little scary for me. He started out with just a little cough but after a few days of this, one morning it turned worse.

Hubby had told me the night before that we needed to take the baby to the doctor. When I got home from work at about 6am the next morning, (working midnights is fun!) I heard him cough just one time and it broke my heart. He sounded like a hoarse, dying seal with asthma. He looked forlorn and sad. And since he always has to interject his fake cough (for added drama), he sounded much worse than he actually was. I called the doctor's office in a panic when I first got home and heard him. I was crying and told his doctor about the baby's condition. She asked me to put him up to the phone, and then said he probably had Croup and I should make an appointment with the office as soon as it was open. She also said to take him into the bathroom with me, close the door, and turn the shower on hot on full blast; the steam apparently helps to break up the cough a little. If that didn't work, I needed to call back ASAP.

So I did what she asked and it seemed to help break up the cough a little where he could breathe just a little easier. I got an appointment as soon as I could with the doctor's office that morning. When I brought him in and the nurse heard him (and his fake cough), she looked a little panicked and immediately had another nurse bring in the Oxygen Saturation thingy in the room to test his oxygen levels. They were perfectly normal (thankfully). Remember the wheezing I was hearing? The doctor said Max didn't have asthma; what I was hearing was part of Croup called "Stridor". Stridor is an inflammation of the air passageways. So he was prescribed a steroid, Prednisone, for 4 days. It wouldn't actually help cure the Croup, but it would help to mask the symptoms so the recovery would be easier for little Max. Croup has to go away on its own. It also gets worse when the baby is upset or crying a lot, so I made sure hubby and I did absolutely everything we could to coddle him and not let him get too upset.

The Prednisone was not really his friend but it did help to lessen the symptoms so I can't complain too much. It made him super hungry! He wanted to eat a ton, all of the time. He even woke up for night feedings, about every 2 - 4 hours. But when he finished the medicine, that super-human hungriness all went away. His Croup lasted about a week, give or take, and then was gone. Seeing him sick made me so sad that I just wanted to hold him and cuddle with him all of the time. (Which he didn't object to.)

Then a couple of weeks later he developed a fever out of nowhere. He really had no other symptoms besides a fever. I initially thought he might be teething, but his fever got too high for that. I called the on-call doctor when I first took his temp and it was 101.4 (underarm). They said he was fine and it was probably just a virus, just to watch him and make sure he didn't develop any more symptoms. I called the next day and spoke to his nurse, and she said the same thing. So I thought we would wait it out. He was still playing just fine and seemed to be ok up until about Day 4. His fever had been going up and down, but getting just a little higher with every day that passed. He was very sad on Day 4 and stopped playing with his toys. He'd just look at them and cry (which made me want to cry.) His fever got up to 103.4 (underarm), so I called the on-call person again. They said he should have been taken in after about 48 hrs (which was complete opposite of what his own nurse had told me!) I took him in that day to the Urgie Care Center. We were in and out in less than 2 hours! They checked his ears and nose, did a nasal swab for RSV and the flu, and checked his lungs via xray for pneumonia. He was all free and clear, they said it was probably just viral. I was glad that we went in, even just for my own peace of mind. That night, his fever broke. (thank God!)

(This was him with a fever, as you can see from his red cheeks. Happy as a clam! About Day 3.)

I see him developing more and more everyday. We have started him on the Gerber baby foods (level 1). He loves eating solids! He loves trying to take away the spoon and try to feed himself. He kicks and bucks his legs when I dip the spoon back into the food. He loves reaching up and touching faces while being held. He can roll over from tummy to back and vice versa without so much as a second thought. He is now able to sit on his own and play for a few minutes at a time (before he topples over and cries). He loves giggling and one-on-one playing. He has started, just this week, to stick his knees under him to try and crawl! I'm so excited to see what the future holds. He is such a blessing. I love him so so very much.

Today my little miracle baby is 6 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days old.

Some days I find my writing very uninspiring and, quite frankly, boring. This is one of those days. My apologies.

Newborn Pics

2009-10-28T21:04:00.002-05:00

Here's a link (below) to Max's newborn photos.

Sarah Mansur Photography - Newborn Baby Max

The photographer happens to be one of my best friends and a totally awesome photographer. The first picture is awesome because you can still see the lanugo (which he kept for weeks. making him look like this adorable, furry little creature). The second picture I have hanging in my home! She does such beautiful work. Please, take a look at my sweet baby.

I'll be getting 3 month pictures by her also sometime soon, so make sure and check back for those.

Benadryl

2009-10-28T01:33:00.000-05:00

No...not my cat.

So I broke out in hives the other night for some unknown reason. I needed to take some Benadryl to counteract it, so I took some at about 2330. Well, guess who was hungry and decided to wake up at about 0100? Yep. I got up and nursed baby Max (3 months old - I don't feed him formula). For the entire day, the poor little guy (along with myself) was a complete zombie. He woke up for his feedings and was up briefly in the evening for a small amount of time, but for the most part, he slept most of the day. I felt bad for him!
:( However, my sleepy baby returned to normal the next day. (thank goodness)

Almost 3 months old!

2009-10-20T05:29:00.000-05:00

Been a While!

2009-10-15T00:42:00.004-05:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been on here. So sorry! I will try (eventually) to write a little about my "birth story". I had no complications (thank God!) and, despite the pain, it was just an amazing time. The first time I saw my little miracle being lifted up over the sterile curtain in the operating room was just the most amazing, indescribably wonderful moment in my life.

He will be 3 months on October 22nd! I just can't believe it. He is growing like a little weed. He had a short period of time where it seemed like he might have been growing a little slowly, and I was concerned for a little bit. But a lot of people were praying for him and it seemed like he perked up very quickly. Itwas amazing, like he went through an instant growth spurt!

Here's what he can do right now:

Brings hands within range of eyes and mouth (he likes to suck on his hands - he just started that about 2 weeks ago when we were in Denver)

While lying on tummy -- at two months -- lifts head 90 degrees to body

Achieves head and neck control (He still bangs into my head when I hold him up by my head sometimes)

Raises up and supports himself on elbows (He needs to work on this one a bit)

Pushes down on legs when feet are placed on a firm surface (he just started doing this, and it's not all of the time)

Takes swipes and reaches for dangling objects with hands

Sucks and swallows well during feeding time (he has done this from the very first day...lol)

Rolls over -- either front to back or back to front. (mainly back to front)

4 days...and 5 hours!

2009-07-18T02:08:00.003-05:00

So I might have just bitten into a strawberry that was slightly past its prime. Actually...I might have just devoured about 6 of them that were slightly past their prime. And that, my friend, is because they were covered in chocolate. Wow...let me be the first to admit that I might possibly need some serious help. I'm going to blame that on the baby.

Baby also gets blamed for the fact that, for some strange reason, my favorite smell right now is dirt. Fresh dirt. Not that dirty dirt smell, or like moldy or mildew dirt smell, but like actual dirt from the yard or garden outside. I'm not going to eat dirt, if you were suddenly concerned about that. I just like the way it smells. Weird.

After having contractions all day (Braxton Hicks) and having more than 9 in 1 hour, I called the doctor. He said that since I was having no pain or other accompanying symptom, I would be fine - or if I was really concerned, I could go to the hospital and get checked out. I wasn't really concerned, so I've been downing water like the supply is going to run out. I've had about 3 glasses in the past few hours, so my doctor should be happy. He says that a true contraction will be accompanied by pain also and it's something I'll "know". Hmm. I've had contractions where it feels like baby is suddenly kicking the crap out of my bladder and the sharp pains stop me in my tracks, but I haven't had anything that has lasted for more than a minute. So... I dunno. And that crap about if a contraction feels like my nose, it's BH, or if it feels like my forehead, it's a real contraction - I have no clue what that's all about, because I've had some contractions that felt hard as rocks with no pain attached. So again...I dunno.

I also have had sudden bursts of energy tonight! Have been doing laundry and cleaning type stuff for hours now. I still have soooo much stuff to do to get ready for baby. I don't think I'll ever be fully ready. And I'm not an organized person nor do I know how to organize things well, so this has been rather difficult for me.

P.S. The 4 days and 5 hours is the amount of time until my C-Section!

Charley Horse

2009-06-08T01:28:00.001-05:00

So I am 31 weeks now! I can't believe I have been so blessed this far.
Yesterday I flew home from a mini-vacation in Boston. The first flight
was long (4hrs) and very turbulent - the "fasten seatbelt" sign was on
during the entire flight! I loved when I got up to use the restroom a
few times and the flight attendent said "The fasten seatbelt sign is
on!" Uh...ok, but that still doest change the fact that I REALLY have
to pee and have a baby sitting on my bladder!! The second flight was a
little over an hour and turbulent also. So...not great pregnancy
conditions.

I finally got snuggled up in bed at home in the wee hours of the
morning. At about 4am, I woke up with intense pain in my left calf -
hello, chalrey horse!! It felt like it lasted forever but it probably
actually only lasted a couple of minutes. I thought I was going to
die. Ugh. I think I know the unfortunate culprit though... Wearing
heels (albiet small ones) through the airport! Bad Bonnie. I sure paid
for that one.

On a side note, I've read that labor sometimes feels like a Charley
Horse - has anyone else experienced this?

Sweet Tooth, belly playing

2009-05-03T01:11:00.003-05:00

I have to say that I have developed a serious sweet tooth. I had one when I was younger -- and that was probably because we weren't allowed to have sugar as kids, so when I grew into a teenager and could get it on my own, I sometimes went a little bonkers with it -- and baby has seemed to have drawn it back. I think about a dessert after every meal; although I don't actually get one, so that's probably good.

Right now I'm really into cobbler and biscuits!! I'm still an ice cream snob (very picky about my brands and won't do "off-brands"), but I could eat cobbler all day long. And Pillsbury biscuits (the big ones, not the small ones!) are just heavenly!!! I haven't really had any cravings like pickles and ice cream though...hmm...no, I take it back. When I was first pregnant I ate some green olives and ice cream, haha!

My favorite thing to do right now is to watch baby move on my belly. I could watch him all day long! I can poke at him and he'll poke me back, it's just too cute. Of course, sometimes when I poke or disturb his happy little home, he punches back with a vengeance...and, although it sometimes hurts, it always makes me a laugh a little. I could seriously do this all day long. Although lately, after he has moved around a lot, it has been making me a little nauseous - has anyone else experienced this?

I still can't believe I am where I am today! I am just completely in love with the little creature inside of me..he goes with me everywhere, keeps me company, plays with me, makes me laugh, I'll rub my little belly and talk to him or tell him goodnight...ahh there's really just no other experience like being pregnant. And after 3 years of heartache, I honestly never believed I would be in this position. Even with all of the nausea and uncomfortableness and physical misery he has cause me, words just cannot describe how thankful I am for my little blessing.

25 weeks

2009-04-27T00:51:00.002-05:00

I can't believe I've made it this far! It seems like it could be possible to actually *have* a baby now. I really never thought I would make it this far. People keep asking me if I have all of my baby things and nursery together... and the answer is no. I don't have anything together! We don't really have a room for a nursery, and he'll be sleeping in our bedroom for at least the first few months anyway (then, of course, we'll have to figure out where he'll be sleeping after that, but that'll be in the future....lol). I have bought baby things before (from previous pregnancies) and it always ended in my own heartache (and bad memories from looking at the things I bought), so I learned a long time ago not to buy things in advance. I almost feel that, even now, it would be jumping the gun to buy things. I guess that's weird and I need to get over it.

Tonight I was noticing that he really likes to be pooched up on one side of my stomach. I guess that's the uterus he is in (the left one). It's very noticeable at times! I can't tell if that's where he's sleeping, or if that's where his back/butt are when he's just relaxing, or what, but it's rather humorous to look at my lopsided tummy.

21 weeks!

2009-04-04T00:51:00.004-05:00

I 'm 21 weeks now, almost 22. I can't believe I've made it this far! I have some ultrasound pics from a few weeks ago that I need to scan in and post. Everything looks ok, as far as they know. I have another appointment with my high risk OB on Monday - he couldn't see everything in the baby's heart because of the position baby was in, so I'm going back in for another look. And if he can't see everything again, he's referring me to a pediatric cardiologist! That seems a little extreme to me, so hopefully baby will cooperate this time.

I'm still getting my weekly Progesterone shots. They don't hurt too much, but they do make me super tired. I've also been having a lot of cramps. They're like menstrual cramps, only not as severe as the ones I'm used to getting. Either way, they still hurt and I can't take anything for them (since I'm allergic to Tylenol). They come and go, but they're especially painful right after I wake up. Along with them comes lower back pain - yayyyy! That gets bad when I sit down for too long, so I have to get up and walk around a lot. But my doctor has said that everything is normal, especially since there is no spotting or bleeding - or maybe its just normal for me? Since the baby is growing in a half of a uterus and I'm fairly skinny, the uterus has to stretch and my muscles have to stretch out, thus cramping.

So...not much fun, but nothing I can do about it. On the plus side, I've been feeling baby move! I started feeling him move at about 17 1/2 weeks. He was probably moving before then, I just thought it was gas pains. I remember driving with hubby in the car, and I felt a little bump underneath the lap part of my seatbelt. I thought there was some bug crawling down there! So I looked down and put my hand down there to feel or see anything. I didn't see or feel anything, but a few seconds later, I felt it again. I knew that it wasn't gas pains and I knew I wasn't hungry - so when I felt it again a few seconds later, I knew it was baby! Hubby even got to feel him move one time, a couple of weeks after that. I still feel him, more everyday. It's pretty neat!

March 17th, 2006

2009-03-17T21:37:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it has been 3 years already. On this day 3 years ago was when I lost my very first baby...gosh, I still remember the day vividly. In a way, it seems like just yesterday; but in a way, it also feels like a lifetime.

Friday, March 17th, 2006:
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and had stopped worrying that something might go wrong. I was excited about life and the new life growing inside of me. I went to work that evening, feeling fine. I went to the restroom a few hours after beginning my shift, and saw that I was spotting a little. I didn't think too much of it, but went back to my desk and decided to give my doctor a call. I called her and was advised to go to the ER. I then called my husband and had him follow me to be checked out at an after hours clinic.

We went to an Urgent Care place first, but, after briefly seeing me, they advised us we needed to go to a hospital instead. So I left my car there and rode to St. Francis Hospital with hubby. I remember feeling a little panicky but feeling pretty good. I still remember a couple that was there also, waiting to be seen, and the older gentleman looked like he was in a bit of pain, but I was the one who was seen first because of the pregnancy. (I felt bad for him)

They drew my blood and did the other normal stuff, then we waited around for what seemed like forever. They also brought in an ultrasound machine... I still remember the doctor performing the ultrasound while looking a little puzzled at the screen, then he suddenly shut the screen off. He told me the baby just wasn't in a good position to be seen and he was not really an OB doctor so he probably just wasn't doing it right. My mom was working at the hospital that night and she came down to see me. We waited a little longer, then the doctor came in one last time, saying he was discharging me. He gave no explanation except that I might *possibly* be having a miscarriage, I needed to go home and get some rest, and see my doctor on Monday. I was confused because I thought he'd at least be able to give me some better information than that! We went home, puzzled, but still feeling pretty good, thinking the doctor was just kind of dumb and didn't know what he was talking about.

(I later learned that they had taken my Blood HCG levels. They were down so low that the doctor KNEW I was having a miscarriage and the baby couldn't possibly be alive, which he also knew with the ultrasound where he pretended to not know what he was doing - he just didn't have the balls to tell me.)

It was a long weekend. I called my OB Doctor first thing Monday morning. She got me an afternoon appointment. Mom went with Daryl and I to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling pretty good about the pregnancy, and convinced nothing was wrong, talking and laughing with my mom and hubby. When we finally got called into the room, which seemed like forever, I held my breath while she was doing the ultrasound. Very shortly into it, with hardly any emotion and no compassion, she simply said, "There is no heartbeat." And wow...my world just came crashing down around me. I felt like my heart stopped beating and I started sobbing my eyes out. After looking at me like I was an alien, the doctor left the room to give us some privacy. My mom cried with me and my husband just held me. When the doctor came back, she said I needed to think about a D&C Surgery since I was so far along. I was then led to another room to the lady who makes appointments for surgery. I remember sitting in her office, sobbing more than I ever had in my life, while she calmly explained the procedure and scheduled a day for it (which was the next day or the day after). I was so hesitant to work with her because I knew that would mean the end for the baby, and I wasn't willing to give him up yet! I had so much love for my baby and wanted to be able to do the things that normal parents do... I wasn't willing to accept the facts. But I finally gave in, and once everything was settled, we were allowed to leave out the back way. (Thank God, because who wants to see a sobbing patient, who was just told her baby died, walking out of an OB doctor's office filled with happily pregnant women?)

I remember sitting in the parking lot in hubby's car, clutching the ultrasound pic I had been given, which was the last picture I'd ever have of my beautiful baby. My sister sent me a text saying something like "hey sis, how's my nephew?". I believe I replied with something like "dead" (how's that for tact? sorry sis!). I was in so much anguish I didn't even know what to do with myself. Hubby was hungry and I hadn't eaten, so we stopped by Chile's on the way home. I was still crying a little... I remember the waitress coming to the table and I was choking on saying my order. I then looked up at her and said that I just found out I was having a miscarriage (as if she knew me or cared) - I continued crying and tried to make it through the meal.

The days went on, I had my surgery, but I was never the same. I spent hours and hours over the next month just sobbing and sobbing. I had Daryl lay with me on many nights while I sobbed myself to sleep. He was so comforting! I couldn't understand why this had happened and I blamed myself, thinking there were things I could have done differently or that I had somehow caused this. I remember people telling me that I could just try again, it would happen when it was the right time, it wasn't the end of the world, etc -- BTW dont EVER tell someone that, that's really the most cruel thing you can say to someone in my position. I just needed people to hold me while I cried or to tell me that they were very sorry for my loss, even though most people couldn't possibly know what I was going through. I remember a few days after my surgery, my husband had to go to work one evening. I didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want me to either, so I asked my best friend and her husband (and their infant, as things would have it, but they couldn't very well leave him at home) to come sit with me for a while while hubby did his work stuff. I remember her and I sat in my computer room and we talked and I just cried and cried and cried while she just listened to me and let me cry on her shoulder -- friends like that are amazing, that meant so much to me, I'm so blessed to have her in my life. But I knew I was headed for a long and painful road and I just didn't want to endure it.

Little did I know how long and painful road that would be! I went through a surgery to remove Endometriosis and a vaginal septum 2 months later. In the next 3 years, I had 4 additional miscarriages and 2 additional D&C's. We spent thousands of dollars on Fertility Doctors and treatments, and of no avail.

I got the job I am currently at just 5 months after my first miscarriage. It was still a tough time for me and I remember going into the bathroom often, crying about my baby and grieving over him. A few months after starting my new job, I found out that my best friend was pregnant with her second child, and also in the first month of trying! I remember finding out the news at work... I was so upset and jealous and sad for myself. I wanted a baby so bad and we were having so many problems. I remember talking to a coworker about it the day I found out, and she gently told me that she was sorry for my loss, but I needed to be happy for my friend, and this was about her, not me. (ouch! but that was actually very good advice.)

Since 2006 I've had many friends pregnant with me, including my sister, all of whom have gone on to have their babies, while I was left with nothing but heartbreak. I couldn't help but be jealous of them. I thought my time would never come. Time does help heal wounds, but nothing ever completely takes it away. The hurt was so deep and the anguish was so heart wrenching - I don't know that anyone could understand, unless they have been through one themselves -- but thats not to discount their support, because some of the best support I got was from people who have never been through this.

I know, though chromosomal testing, that the babies I lost were 2 boys with chromosomal disorders, 1 completely healthy girl, and 2 unknowns (those were the 2 natural miscarriages, and they SUCK and are very painful, by the way). I will never, ever forget my first. It got slightly easier with each miscarriage, but they all hurt in their own way.

And here I am now, 3 years later, a completely different person, more mature and grown up, and definitely more jaded. The day my sister gave birth to her second child in December of 2008 was the day I found out that my new pregnancy hormone levels looked good, better than with any other pregnancy, and I might have a chance at actually having the baby I was newly pregnant with! And now today I'm almost halfway through my 6th pregnancy and everything looks good so far! I can't be happier or any more thankful that God has finally blessed me with a baby that at least looks like it has a chance of survival. I don't know why it has happened this way, but I am ever so grateful. I know I will love this child more than I can ever imagine. It has been a long, painful journey...but in the end, God does know what He is doing, and I am thankful for that!

Update and Kicking...

2009-03-17T05:06:00.000-05:00

Sorry I havent written in a while... here's a little update:

- It's a boy!!
- I now take weekley Progesterone shots. They are supposed to help me from going into very early pre-term labor. They make me SO SO SO freaking tired though.
- The allergies seem to be letting up, ever so slightly. The stuffy nose is almost gone, except for occasionally while sleeping and any time I get too warm. Yay, thank the Lord!!!
- I've started taking prenatal yoga classes about 2 times a week! I'm not big on the "yoga" part, but I enjoy the stretching and learning to breathe.

Anyway, on Thursday, I felt him kicking me!!! I was riding in the car with Daryl (actually I was driving, but thats a different story entirely) when I felt something moving very low on my abdomen. I was hungry, so I knew it wasn't a rumble from an upset tummy. I thought at first that maybe something had fallen inbetween my seatbelt and my lower abdomen. When it happened a second time, a few seconds after, I pulled the belt out slightly and looked to see if there was anything there, which there wasn't. When it happened a third time, just seconds later, I knew what it was! I said to hubby, "hey, he's kicking me!!!" It felt like a couple of little finger flicks coming from inside. It was really neat!! It's amazing that something that's only 5 or 6 inches long can pack such a tiny punch. I believe the word for the first movements are "quickening". I'd felt it a little before, but this time I was sure that it was baby. :) (I was about 18wks and 3days)

12 weeks, 3 days

2009-01-31T15:43:00.007-06:00

My doctor's appointment went very well Thursday, I was very pleased. I have this tendency of freaking out beforehand, thinking about all of the things that could go or could have already gone wrong. I was quite sick to my stomach right before the appointment and was practically holding my breath when he went to start the ultrasound. I didn't see the heartbeat right at first but he quickly measured it and it was 161, which he referred to as "excellent" (yay!).

It was incredible to see the baby moving around in there. I had never had an ultrasound where the baby was moving...I'd never actually made it that far. The last ultrasound that I had around 11-12wks (in 2006) was my very first miscarriage where I found out my baby was no longer alive. So, to be here where I am right now is just incredible. To see the growth, even in 2 weeks, (he'd grown his little arms and legs and fingers and hands!!) was amazing. The doctor showed me where the placenta was and that it was in a good place and doing well, and also he showed me the umbilical cord and how it was doing a nice job of pumping blood to the baby. I can't believe that baby is just so tiny right now yet is so very developed...the miracle of life is just indescribable. I seem to have forgotten all of the misery, nausea, and other uncomfortable unmentionables that I've had in the last 2 months. Well..except the stuffy nose from hell, it's still here, but I'm hoping and praying it goes away very quickly.

And yes...I'm saying "he" now. My doctor said the baby "had potential" for being a boy. Lol! I, for some reason, have been really prepared for a girl, so I might have to change my manner of thinking. But we'll know for sure (or actually, for almost sure, since they're sometimes not always correct) in a few weeks. I've waited so long for this, I really don't care anymore if it is a boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby. I'll leave you with my ultrasound photos that I have finally scanned and decided I am ready to share with you.

P.S. On Monday I'll be out of my first trimester!!! Wheeeee!!!!!!!

This was my very first ultrasound, 12-16-08, 5wks 5days. It's not much to see, but I saw the gestational sac and the little heart fluttering away, so I was pretty excited (especially after I was just certain that I had already lost the baby). I guess the picture on the left is my other uterus. The baby implanted in the left uterus this time - it has ALWAYS been on the right uterus, so maybe that's a good sign?

12-29-08, 7wks 6days. I'm not sure how many pics we can take of just one baby, but apparently at least 6!! It's ok though, I'm not complaining!!!

01-05-09, 8wks 5days (both picture sets). The top one shows that, even though I have two uteri, I only have one baby. Baby is a bit more distinguishable here, but still looks a bit blobby.

01-14-09, 10wks 2days. Hubby says baby looks like a gerbil!

01-29-09, 12wks 3days. My little alien!! He just gets cuter and cuter every time I see him.

12wks, 2 days

2009-01-28T21:05:00.004-06:00

Baby does not like food, nor does she (yes, I'm going to call it a she even there's no proof of the sex, so sue me) like it when I eat, nor does she like when I don't eat. Haha. She's gonna have her mama's appetite, that's for sure (and it's a pretty crappy one.) She needs prayers. Lol.

Now, let's clear up a few things:
1) It's not NEARLY as big as it looks.
2) That string thing is part of my pants (it took me a while to figure that out haha)
3) Yes, it was taken from my phone, mainly because I didnt feel like busting out the camera.
4) Yes, my bed is unmade...so sue me.

So quit whining about a picture. And I have an ultrasound tomorrow...I'll post that too! :) (if you're lucky)

Happy 12 weeks!

2009-01-26T04:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm 12wks today, and its official... I'm totally and completely miserable. I'm certain the baby hates me. My stuffy nose will not go away; it now follows me wherever I go, 24/7. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and it makes it where I have to get up and walk around during the day (every 30 min or so) to even *try* to clear it up. And the prize I get from sneezing and blowing my nose so much is the area below my nose is rubbed raw. I can't even smile without my nose being extra stuffy and my poor cracked, dry lips (and the area above them) cracking even more. I sleep with my humidifier on and Vicks Vapo Rub under my nose, and I still wake up about 10 times a night for stuffy nose. Also my lips are terribly chapped and wont respond to anything. So if its not the nausea, its the stuffy nose. I feel like I've tried every sensible (pregnancy-safe) thing known to all womankind, but somehow, nothing works! I'm now resigned to just sit down and cry. So....baby is obviously having quite the joyous time making my life 1000% miserable. And if it wasn't so terribly unpleasant...it might actually be funny! Happy 12 weeks to me!!

It's Definitely Difficult

2009-01-24T01:17:00.003-06:00

I have to say that being pregnant is not as easy as I thought it would be. Why didn't anyone tell me this?! I've been completely miserable almost since I found out [that I was pregnant] a couple of months ago. I know that every pregnancy and every woman is different, so hopefully my next pregnancy won't be as difficult.

At first, I was very very exhausted ALL of the time. I was constantly taking naps, going to bed early, waking up late, and still being tired. That seems to have almost subsided now that I'm 11 1/2 weeks (thank God!) I still get tired, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

The part that is getting to me now is the queasiness. It's just been one big fat queasy party right after the other, ever since I first found out I was pregnant. I wake up in the morning feeling a bit queasy and very hungry. If I don't immediately get something to eat, I go from "a bit queasy" to "excessively queasy". The problem right now is that I can't seem to find anything that I like to eat (that actually likes me). I'll go to restaurants with Daryl and order something, take a bite of it, and then figure out that , if I eat anymore, it is going to make me barf - so I spit the food out in a napkin (which is very lady-like, and I'm totally proud of myself for doing so). I also find myself scrounging around the kitchen for something to eat, and when I find it, it's usually very small - applesauce, saltines, graham crackers - and it helps to eat them, but only for about 10 minutes until my stomach starts growling again, thus helllllo queasy-time! It's a vicious, never-ending cycle. I don't think that even one day has passed that I have not been queasy. It has made for quite the miserable 2 months!!

On top of that, my allergies have been going completely haywire. I usually take allergy shots (they were a gift from heaven), but I stopped taking them around my 4th pregnancy (didn't want to risk hurting any of the babies, even though my allergy doctor assured me they were find) - and I have paid dearly for that! Now my allergies are completely kicking my butt, all of the time, everyday. Not a day has gone by that I don't sneeze about 100 times (I wish that were a joke or exaggeration!) Then I get a forever stuffy nose that refuses to go away. I even bought a $60 humidifier for my room, hoping that would help...and it so far has, ever so slightly, but not really enough to make a difference. I am currently addicted to that nose spray that I believe comes directly from the pit of hell - Phenylephrine HCL. But my mom tells me I came out of the womb with a stuffy nose, so I think, unfortunately, my stuffy nose is destined to follow me from the day that I was born until the day that I die. (However, it's usually not this bad!)

The queasiness and the stuffy nose are killing me! I am now consumed by envy of women who have terribly easy pregnancies.

Other (super fun) factors, such as peeing ALL of the time and having sore breasts, will probably get worse as the pregnancy progresses, but I don't hardly even notice them anymore, they've just become a part of my life. And the most fun part is crying about anything and everything. I cry while watching TV commercials, while watching TV shows, even while watching a calf and cow interact, and the list is endless! If you look at me wrong, I'm probably going to cry. Haha! Although I sometimes feel like a big dumbdumb, I can handle the crying part too.

Suffice it to say, I feel like this pregnancy has been quite rough on me. I'm not trying to complain (or maybe I am?), just stating the facts. I love this baby more than almost anything in the world and I get more and more excited about him/her every day. I don't know if there's anything in the world like the "1st" baby! (Not that I have forgotten any of my other babies, but I think you know what I am talking about.) Now that I'm almost to 12 weeks, I am begining to think this pregnancy might actually morph into a real live baby! I've guarded myself so intensely on becoming excited about it because I was so afraid of getting hurt. But now, after 4 ultrasounds, seeing the precious heartbeat 3 different times, and seeing him/her actually moving around in my womb, I'm head over heels in love and completely attached. So... THANK YOU to those who have been praying for me, and PLEASE keep on praying that our little miracle continues to grow and be healthy. (My next appointment is January 28th, BTW)

9wks 3days

2009-01-09T00:25:00.007-06:00

So, I guess I'm finally going to admit that I'm pregnant. It hasn't exactly been a secret, but I haven't exactly come right out and told people about it. After 5 miscarriages, I really don't think I need to explain my reasoning behind that.

I found out I was pregnant on November 29th. I had an initial HCG test of 82 on December 1st (I was about 3wks 6days), which was a little bit low and led me to believe that this was not a good pregnancy. A week and a half later, I began spotting. I thought that for sure I was having a another dreaded miscarriage and had given up all hope. I had another HCG test done (on the day that my sister was giving birth, no less!) and it was 23,000! So I went in for an ultrasound on December 16th (6wks) and saw that, indeed, there still was a baby in there. I took it VERY easy for about a week and a half after that. I had another ultrasound on December 29th (7wks 6day) which showed the growing baby with a heartrate of 155!! And I had yet another ultrasound on January 5th (8wks 6day) which showed a growing baby with a heartrate of 171. The doctor says this is all well and good so far and he will monitor me very closely. Each time I go in, the ultrasound seems to fluctuate a day or two. The doctor assured me that at this stage, that is perfectly normal (even to fluctuate from up to plus or minus 3 days). As of now, my due date would be August 11th - 4 days after my 25th birthday!!

I know I should be very, very happy about this, and I am, in a way. I'm still just very cautious about it. It was incredible to see the baby with a beautiful beating heart two times, but I've been down that road before, and it led to my own severe heartbreak eventually. The more I see my baby, the more I fall in love with it. The more I love it, the more it will ache if the baby doesn't make it. I just want to be past the point in my pregnancy where I worry everyday....it's really wearing me out.

I have been nauseated, queasy, and extremely fatigued (not to mention other symptoms...) for weeks now. I haven't thrown up (yay!) but would probably feel better if I could. I will grin and bear it, only because I hope there is something better ahead! I have read the articles that say that once you see a good heartrate past 7 weeks, you are very, very likely not to miscarry. But I am still skeptical, because I have been there before already and did miscarry!

Insurance...

2008-12-08T23:40:00.001-06:00

So I won't be going to that appointment tomorrow that I was supposed to have with my fertility doctor. Turns out, the insurance company is fighting with the doctor's office and is not wanting to pay anything, so the patients are having to pay out of pocket. I don't exactly want to pay $298 for a 20 min talk with the doctor. So I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I guess I'll keep fighting with the insurance company and see if there's any way they will pay for the visit. *sigh*

MRIs

2008-11-29T02:08:00.003-06:00

So I did miscarry not long after my last post, and I wasn't too far along, so it actually wasn't bad. I was scared to death of a natural miscarriage (because of my experience last time), but it wasn't too painful this time (thank God). There goes baby #5...ugh, it's just so hard to even think about.

I've had 2 MRIs of my uterus so far. The first one was a top view and the second was a side view, since the first view wasn't very helpful. My nurse spoke with the doctor and radiologist about the results and called me a few days ago. They initially thought it was "uterus didelphys", which is two completely separate uteri with 2 separate cervix. Well, I do have 2 cervix, but there is about a 2cm space on the very bottom of where the uteri are supposed to connect that is open. So that space is a "hostile environment" for any baby that tries to implant there, I guess from lack of nutrients and lack of room to grow. So that might very well be a cause of my incessent miscarrying. How sad that my own body is unsafe for the babies it makes.

So I'll be talking to the doctor on December 9th to see what we can do about this. She has talked about surgery, which scares the pee out of me. I guess it would entail sewing the uteri into one, or something like that. She said I would be off of work for 3 weeks and would not be able to even try to get pregnant for at least 3 months after it. Ugh...that just breaks my heart to think about, knowing for that 3+ lonnnng months, I won't even be able to have a chance at a pregnancy. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

:o(

2008-10-31T23:50:00.001-05:00

My HCG was down to 15 on Thursday, so obviously I will not be having a baby this time. *sigh*

The Waiting Game.... I love it!

2008-10-29T00:24:00.002-05:00

Well, shows you what I know! The nurse called me back and told me that my HCG was 24 and was a "good number" and my Progesterone was 26 and was a very good number. I'm started on the progesterone supplements anyway, just in case. I'm getting vampired again on Thursday. I'm still feeling a bit pessemistic, but it is out of my hands, I know.

Vampires

2008-10-28T01:35:00.003-05:00

I got vampired today. The doctor insists that she follow my HCG levels, so I guess you can disregard the previous blog (so much for my soapbox). I don't get the results back until tomorrow but I really don't think they will be good. It's not just my eternal pessimism coming through, either!! And don't tell me "it'll be ok" or "just relax"...I think sometimes you just "know"...and trust me, I know. *sigh*

No Tests, Please

2008-10-26T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and see what she wants me to do, if she wants to do anything different this time. I know that, if I have a choice, I dont want to do the quantitative HCG tests like I did the last 3 times. It basically goes like this: I get vampired at the doctor, I wait with nauseaus butterflies in my stomach for a day or two, I get the results, I obsess over whether they are good or bad, then I wait nauseously again for the test in 48hrs, I get vampired, wait for results, and spend too many hours crying and obsessing over them again. Its a completely vicious cycle! I can't see what good it does, beside make me an nervous, anxious mess. I'm gonna be nervous and anxious enough as it is, I dont need it compounded by the numbers obsession. So, if my doctor doesn't mind, I won't get the HCG level tests. I'll wait until at least the 7th week (which should be in 3 weeks) to get my first ultrasound also (which should be ample time to see the heartbeat, if there is one). If the baby is going to die, there is (heartbreakingly) nothing I can do about it, I don't need to worry myself to death in the mean time. (I guess I'll have to wait to see what the doctor says about that though!)

P.S. It still doesn't seem real to me... after 1 Equate preg test and 1 Clearblue Easy Digital yesterday, both of which clearly said "PREGNANT", I still can't convince myself. I feel like I could wake up any minute and this all be a dream! Ugh. I'm ready for the barfy, 24/7 morning sickness! With every pregnancy the moment I stopped feeling sick was when the baby died... ugh. (now do you see why I can't help but obsess???)

It feels like a dream...

2008-10-26T16:31:00.000-05:00

It feels like I'm living in a dream... I feel like, at any minute, I could snap out of it and wake up. I really didn't think I would get pregnant this cycle. I was ovulating around the time that I had my MRI with the Versed (a drug to relax me because MRIs scare the poo out of me). I didn't think I would get pregnant and I hope that didn't somehow hurt the baby.

I'm gonna try to do everything right this time... not eat anything "bad", take my vitamins every single day, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, etc. I know these are small potatoes and probably won't amount to much, but I just want to make SURE that I do everything I can.

This pregnancy feels so weird...it almost doesn't even feel real. I didn't (preg) test yesterday because I thought I was pregnant (because I really didn't think I was), I tested because I have a testing obsession!! Every month I waste probably 6 or 7 pregnancy tests because I just *know* I'm totally pregnant....but I'm not. But on the months where I just *know* I'm not pregnant...that's when I'm actually pregnant. It has happened that way every single pregnancy!

I don't have any real symptoms yet. I won't even be 4 weeks until at least tomorrow. I have had a little bit sore boobs, some heartburn, and a lot of tiredness, but not a whole lot else.

I don't really have any hope (of having a baby) left. I mean, after having had 4 miscarriages (3 of which have been in 2008), can you really blame me?

So since you're reading this...will you have hope for me?

1 Month

2008-09-01T02:09:00.003-05:00

I just saw my ticker box and realized that it has been 1 month ago today. 1 month since I started bleeding and knew that that pregnancy was over. I can't believe it has been that long. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday. Funny that I finally feel like I'm getting back to "normal" (whatever that is). But this is part of the reason why a miscarriage is so dreaded... you see it coming and you know your life will never be the same again, and you also know that for at least a month after that you will be miserable and feel crappy and just not be "you". Funny also that I've been telling myself for an entire month now that I'm not thinking about it and I don't want to think about the road up ahead. I'm too scared and it stresses me out severely. I don't really know what to do at this point. I know I can't go on like this forever... I have to think about what is next. But I also don't know how many miscarriages and D&Cs a uterus can take before it just completely gives out. *sigh*

It aches... my heart aches.

2008-08-11T01:44:00.004-05:00

Now that the "happy meds" are wearing off...I miss you. I miss you so much. I can still see the pitter patter of your precious little heart beating on the monitor of my ultrasound... it haunts me every single day. I still have the ultrasound pictures from the 3 precious times I got to see you, and I look at them often. You were so tiny but I was so in love with you...I would have treated you so well. I would have loved on you and kissed you a thousand times a day... I have so much love to give! I would have taught you the ways of life and taken you to church and taught you about Jesus and God and this whole cruel world, and cherished every moment I had with you. I would have watched you be heald by and loved on by your daddy, and nothing would have made me more proud.

But I didn't get the chance... you were taken too soon.

Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It was different between you and my last 2. I actually got to see you develop a little... I got to see the beating of your heart, I felt a bit of hope inside, like you might actually make it, that you and I both would have lived to hold you in my arms. But now I feel so empty without you. My heart aches every minute of every day. I know it is selfish of me, but I wish you didn't have to leave me. I love you so much.

P.S. Birthday #24 came and went, and I was so doped up that I barely had any idea what was going on. Hubby made me a wonderful lunch and dinner (breakfast was warm pop tarts in bed, yummmmo) and got me a fantastic gift that I can't wait to play with -- words cannot even describe how good he is to me. I slept probably 3/4ths of the day, and before I knew it, the day was gone.

Lucky 24

2008-08-05T23:44:00.005-05:00

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Why Did You Have To Leave?

2008-08-02T16:14:00.005-05:00

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.

This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(

Diet Coke

2008-07-30T23:11:00.003-05:00

I really want a Diet Coke. (I really would like a Whiskey Sour too, but that's obviously completely out of the question!) I don't ever drink Diet Coke, I don't drink "diet" anything, ick! Well..until my body was invaded by this little guy (that's right, I'm about 95% sure it's a boy), but I don't mind! He makes me nauseated in the evening times and smell everything that normal people should not smell. My boobs also have been hurting insanely mad tonight. But it's ok... I love him with all of my heart....well, the pieces of my heart that I have left; the pieces that were ripped out and shipped off to heaven with my other 3 babies will never be returned to me.

Ultrasound...still not out of the water yet.

2008-07-28T12:39:00.005-05:00

I had my ultrasound appointment today, but it didn't go quite the way that I had hoped it would. Sure, I got some good news, but it was coupled with some potentially bad or warning-type news.

I thought I would be elated about seeing the heartbeat, but I just couldn't help thinking about all the bad things that could still go wrong. The heartbeat measured around 125bpm, which my doctor said was good. But the potential bad news is that she said the yolk sac looked a little bigger than normal. She said that she does not normally tell women (who have had good pregnancies and are not generally at risk for miscarriage) that because it does not always indicate a problem but it sometimes can.

With my first baby, I can still see the ultrasound pic in my head. I believe that one had a bit of a larger sac also. I think the first heartrate we measured was at 125 and the second was at 140, and then you all know the story of what happened after that...so I just can't help but having flash-backs of that and being a bit panicy that this might turn out to be exactly the same. I was so terribly crushed with my first miscarriage, I think because I was so far along and I had seen the baby several times and was just completely attached to him. I don't know if I can go through that again, honestly.

So I am back at the waiting game...tick, tock, what will tomorrow hold?

The first pic is my ultrasound pic from last week, and I guess I was about 5wks 2 days here. (my due date has changed). It's transvaginal but is really still too small to see anything (I thought I was farther than I really was.)

This pic is the one from today, baby measured at 6wks 2 days. You still can't see much, but I could definitely see the heart beating when she was doing the ultrasound.

Headed Home...

2008-07-27T06:32:00.000-05:00

So I'm presently sitting at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale, waiting to fly to Houston so that I can fly home to Tulsa. I've been feeling a bit nauseated lately, and I welcome it with open arms. (I know, I'm such a freak!) Every little kiddo I pass by just makes me well up with tears... I want this baby so bad, I want to be a mother, I want my husband to have the chance to be a father. I'm nervous about my ultrasound on Monday but am trying not to think about it. Please pray for me if you get the chance!

Signs

2008-07-23T23:44:00.000-05:00

I know I said I dont believe in signs (i.e. pregnancy symptoms being good signs that the pregnancy is good), and I still dont. But I think I've been having some pretty good symptoms. My boobs hurt like crazy yesterday and hurt off and on today. I was feeling icky yesterday and a little today. I took a long nap today because I was just too tired to do anything else.

Did I mention I'm in Florida on one of hubby's business trips? Its SO beautiful here. I was born here!! (I just haven't been back since mom moved us to Oklahoma when I was still very little.) I'm kinda glad I have something to keep my mind occupied till the dreaded 2nd ultrasound on this coming Monday. Sucks though that there is all sorts of free alcohol and good drinks around where I am but I can't partake. Also there are gobs of cute bars and places to sit outside with a night cap, but like a boring old woman, I just go back to my room and sleep. But I can accept that, even with a smile on my face, if it means that I trade it for a healthy baby. Please keep praying for me!

Still Confused

2008-07-21T15:42:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm still confused. I had my ultrasound today. He saw a yolk sac and gestational sac but couldnt really see a baby or heartbeat. I'm supposed to go back in for another one in a week. He'll be looking for growth, and by that time he should be able to see a baby or heartbeat. He said it was possible that I ovulated later in my cycle and I'm not as far along as I thought. So... I don't know what to think. It's back at the waiting game for me. This sucks. I don't know how much more of this I can take!

Uncertainty

2008-07-19T00:17:00.004-05:00

Not really feeling pregnant. I'm kinda dreading Monday's ultrasound. I've been feeling almost a little crampy... or mabye not exactly cramy, I don't know. I've been sick with this cold, so I don't know if what I'm feeling is aftermath from the cold or something else. I've been coughing a lot, so maybe it's just my stomach muscles being sore from coughing? I just hate being so uncertain. If I could just see or hear the little heartbeat...

Test Today

2008-07-15T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well I'm a little confused... my HCG today was 821. I thought that was a little low (should have been closer to 1000) but she said it was "rising nicely" and some peoplel's levels rise differently. So I'm on pins and needles again until Monday, my first ultrasound. I'm trying not to get excited because I know how my last 3 pregnancies turned out. So I'm basically just waiting til I get farther along to see if this baby will make it or not. Ugh.

Nervous...

2008-07-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

I'm just so anxious and nervous about my blood test tomorrow. I've had most of the regular pregnancy symptoms: very VERY sore boobs, extremely tired, and super-nose. Also have had the ones I've had with all of my pregnancies: itchy skin (mainly boobs and stomach), and breathlessness all of the time. But pregnancy symptoms mean nothing to me. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what my HCG levels show. If my calcultions are correct, it should be between 1100 - 1600... ugh, I'm so nervous...

My Levels

2008-07-12T00:31:00.003-05:00

Well my doctor's nurse finally decided to call me back today! My HCG level was 201 and my Progeserone was 9.8. She said the HCG looked good but the Progesterone was a little low. She called in a prescription for Progesterone (not the kind you take orally...if you ladies know what I mean) for me that I picked up this afternoon. The guy at the pharmacy said his wife went through several miscarriages and he almost swears by these things. Of course if it is not a good pregnancy then the progesterone won't matter, but if it is a good one and my body simply isn't producing enough, these should definitely help it. I have another blood test on Tuesday and they are looking for the numbers to have doubled about every 48 hrs. So... it's back to the waiting game.

Crampy?

2008-07-11T02:13:00.004-05:00

Feeling a little crampy tonight. I can't really tell if it's crampy or something else. I've had this cold (or sinus infection or ear infection or whatever the heck this is!), so I've had drainage and stuffy and runny nose, sneezing, stuffy ears, scratchy and sore throat, etc for the past 2 days now. So I've had drainage running down into my stomach, maybe that's making me feel this way? My boobs have been so sore tonight and I've been so very tired, but I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. So...I dunno. I guess I wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow about my HCG and Progesterone levels, if they are good or not. Ugh...it's like this is a game or something, but I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to lose!! Then if the levels were actually good, there would be the dreaded waiting for an ultrasound... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stuck In The Middle...

2008-07-10T18:39:00.004-05:00

Not really feeling pregnant today. I have a cold (or sinus infection or something icky like that) that I have had for 3 days now....ugh, go away! I'm very tired and my boobs hurt on and off. When my nose isn't super stuffy like it is right now, I can smell VERY well, which is definitely a pregnancy symptom. Other than that, I'm not feeling much like a pregnant woman! I'm trying not to go on what I feel though, because I had signs and symptoms and morning sickness with the last 3 pregnancies and we all know the story of where those got me.

I had blood drawn today, they were checking my HCG and Progesterone levels. I should be 5 weeks today. THEY NEVER CALLED ME BACK!! Wah!!!! I waited paitently all afternoon, especially since they said they were going to call me after 3....but they never called. I feel like I've been stood up! It wasn't fair and I'm kinda pissed about it. :( So what can I do about it? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the morning. Part of me thinks, "it was really bad news and they just didn't want to tell me, so they didn't call me back". And another part of me thinks, "it was so good that they felt they didn't need to call me!". Ugh! So now I'm back on the emotional roller coaster of "is the pregnancy good? am I going to miscarry? is it a healthy baby?"...arghhhh!!!!! I hate being stuck between a rock and a hard place like this.

A 4th time (sorry this is a few days late)

2008-07-05T17:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, so maybe the 4th time is the charm? I found out on July 3rd that I am pregnant (again). It came as quite a surprise to me, as I didn't think that the timing was right for us this month! Finding out on vacation that I'm pregnant was quite the surprise... needless to say I had to change my diet a bit, LOL! It was kinda funny... I was feeling a little weird, being able to smell things like super woman, spotting just a little bit (I'd expected my time of the month to come on vacation) with no cramps (which was odd, because I usually get cramps from hell), and just feeling a little off. I didn't want to get Daryl's hopes up, so we made a quick trip to Wal-Mart and I got a pee test. At our next stop, I just couldn't wait any longer, so I went into the bathroom at the Indian Museam we were looking at and took it. (haha!!) I was SHOCKED when, after about a minute a faint faint line started to show. I thought it was just an evaporation line at first, but after about 3 minutes it was pretty clear. WOW!!!!! I didn't expect that at all. So after picking my jaw up off the floor, I quietly went out of the bathroom, stick in hand (wrapped up in a paper towel), and found Daryl. With my wide eyes and goofy smile, I said "we need to talk", and handed him the stick. He was very very excited, to say the least. :)

Anyway...don't laugh at me, but I carried the stick around with me in my purse for about 3 days and pulled it out and looked at it every once in a while. Gosh I didn't think I was attached to this pregnancy yet, but now that I read what I just wrote, I think I already am. The picture above was taken on the second day (in the car), so sorry it was all blurry.

4 Weeks Ago...

2008-06-06T00:28:00.006-05:00

It has been 4 weeks and 1 day since my surgery. My "monthly bill" (haha) decided to come back today....with a vengeance! I knew that would happen that way, it's just part of my body trying to get back to normal. Ugh...no matter what kind of painkiller I take, the cramps are still strong. And like true cramps, they come and go as they darn well please. I hate how much of a toll a miscarriage takes on a woman's body, but there is really nothing I can do about it but grin and bear it, and know there are brighter days ahead.

I've been trying hard not to think about my situation. I don't know where it is going to go from here. I don't know if I'll have to endure more awful miscarriages, or if I can even ever have a healthy baby. I don't know how many more miscarriages I can endure! I'd like to think of myself as a strong woman, but I really don't think I am. I feared that I would fall apart after this last miscarriage, but so far I think I have managed to keep it together.

However, lately I have found it very, very hard to look at or be around pregnant women. I most certainly can't be around newborns, but children over a year don't seem to bother me. My best friend's son, who is 2 1/2, is such a doll and I loooooove spending time with him. I feel so special when he wants to sit with me or have me read him a book. I can't help but love on him and give him kisses. (That sounds creepy, but I promise you, it's not!) Same for my 3 1/2 year old niece. I love love love being around her and feel so loved when she wants to be around me. But babies under a year old make me so very sad. Looking at pictures of them or seeing them in person just make me want to violently cry, so I really try to keep my distance. It's nothing about specific babies, per sa, I guess it's just the concept of a baby. I want a baby of my own so badly that it just literally hurts. I ache inside. I want a little baby who looks like daddy but needs me more than anything in the world. I would love my child so very much!!

I love love love my 2 bestest friends (yes...I only have 2 friends, ha!) and love being around them. Haven't spent much time with them lately because we've all been busy. Spending time with them helps keep my mind off of my sorrow and relax me. I know I can be "myself" around them and they don't care. I think part of the healing process is being around people who love and care about you, and you do the same for them. I'm still at the beginning of the healing process.... I know it's going to be a long journey.

I don't understand life sometimes or why things happen the way they do, and I know I'm not meant to. Sometime I wish I could see what was up ahead for me, but I suppose that is what faith is all about...you have to believe it even though you have no proof it will happen.

Hope to be better...

2008-05-13T15:48:00.003-05:00

I took my last bit of antibiotics early early this morning, so maybe I will start to feel a lot better soon. I think they were making me dizzy, faint feeling, and nauseated...yuk. My uterus is still sore, it feels on my stomach like I've done about 600 crunches in the span of 4 minutes. So I'm still taking a little bit of the pain medication, but I have cut wayyyyyy down on it. I've been uncomfortably nauseated tonight, I don't know why. I wish it to go away though, I've got better things to do with my time then sit around the house feeling sick!! I hope to be feeling much better by my follow-up appointment on Friday.

Bleh.

2008-05-10T00:00:00.002-05:00

I'm still "under the influence" of all of my medications. I'll be SO glad when I can get off of the Methergine. I guess I'm still pretty out of it. I went outside today for a brief 5 minutes or so to take some pictures -- I needed a change of scenery from where I have been for the past 3 days, which is sitting in my living room in front of the TV or in bed. I took about 30 pictures...some of flowers, and quite a few of the fox neighbor outside. I knew that a few of them would not turn out well.. but when I got inside and looked at them, there were only TWO pictures that were even slightly ok. So I must still be very out of it

I can't help but think, maybe I'm just not meant to be a mommy? I know I'm selfish... I think of myself more than others most of the time. What's best for me, how will that affect me, how can I make life better for me, this inconveniences me, I don't feel like it, etc. It seems to always be about me. You can't be selfish and be a mommy. So maybe I'm just too selfish to be a mommy... I don't know. I just know that my heart hurts and that Mother's Day is really going to hurt. I wish I could sleep the entire day away, but I have to go back to work the next day and I need to snap out of it. I know that my mom will be hurt if I don't see her, and I want Daryl to be able to spend it with his mom too. So my mom is going to come over and help Daryl fix some lunch for me, Daryl, mom, and Daryl's parents, while I relax on the couch. I know it's not a very good hostess of me, but I can't help that I just had surgery! I can't go out anywhere, because I am on sick time at work, and I don't FEEL like going out anywhere anyway. Bleh.

1 Day Past Surgery

2008-05-08T23:17:00.003-05:00

Mom spent the night last night, which was very peaceful. (I don't know that a girl ever stops needing her mom) Daryl went off to work half the day, so mom stayed with me, made me a yummy brunch, and took care of me for the morning and part of the afternoon. I have figured out (the hard way) that I DON'T like being alone right now, but I guess that can't be helped at certain times.

A day past surgery and I'm still quite miserable. I think the anesthesia has worn off now, for the most part, because I'm feeling quite a bit more pain than yesterday, and some intense cramping also. My throat hurts, probably from being intubated during surgery -- didn't feel it yesterday but I sure feel it today! My neck hurts quite a bit, for whatever reason. My stomach feels like someone has scraped out the insides of it... oh wait, that was my uterus, not stomach, but close enough. The throat hurting thing makes it fairly difficult to cry... every time the tears well up in my eyes, my throat starts throbbing. So crying is a lose-lose situation for me right now, though it hasn't stopped me from doing so many times today.

I'm sure I'm sounding like a miserable grump, but I just feel pretty darn miserable and down right now. I'm still taking the Vicoprofen for pain, the Methergine to "clamp" and expel anything left in my uterus(es), the antibiotic to keep my uterus(es) from getting infected, and the occasional anti-nausea medicine that I rub on my stomach or wrist. This Methergine is quite the evil pill, but I think it gets the job done.... I can't wait til I take my last dose in a day in a half! My digestive system isn't working very well right now, which definitely makes things slightly... uh...more uncomfortable.

I took a shower this evening, which briefly made me feel a little better. Then I looked in the mirror and wished I hadn't...ha! I still look like hell. I'd like to get a short hair cut sometime this week, but I'm not entirely certain what I want to do yet. So life is pretty miserable right now, but I'm hoping and praying that there are better days ahead. I'm supposed to return to work on Monday... I hope that I'll be up for it. Even if I'm not entirely, I think a change of scenery will be good for me.

Post Surgery

2008-05-07T21:45:00.008-05:00

Surgery went well. I waited for 2 hours in my surgery waiting area before they finally took me in, but it went pretty fast from there. My mom, sis, and hubby were there with me. It was nice because they made the time go by fast.

They took me into the OR and I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes. He was very kind and helpful... I'm very sad that he will be moving his practice to Texas in a couple weeks! It's hard to find a really good doctor these days. The put my arms down on little "arm rests" on the surgery table, and covered them with a warm blanket. They placed the "oxygen mask" -- "this is just oxygen, I swear!" -- over my mouth and nose, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up FREEZING in the recovery room. After I shivered for a few minutes, the nurse came to me and covered me with several warm blankets (below the ones I already had). I don't know how long I was in there for, but they sent me to the family recovery waiting room after that. The first thing I remember is my mom saying "he got enough specimen/baby for the chromosomal testing!". I was very excited about that, because that's part of the reason I wanted the D&C and not the natural way this time. I was a little worried that he might not be able to get anything to test, because I had already started bleeding a little before the surgery. The results should be back in 3 - 5 weeks. I'll try not to think about it so it will go faster. I hope that my baby didn't have the same chromosomal disorder as the first one did, which was Trisomy 15. I don't think that is the case though, because this baby died 2 - 3 weeks before my first one did. My mom thinks this baby might have had a Trisomy disorder too, but we won't know until we get the results back. If so, that's probably going to be very bad news, because I don't know what we will be able to do about it, nor if we will ever be able to have a healthy baby. I want some answers but I know they will not come quickly.

I have been dead to the world out of it most of the day. I felt pretty good leaving the hospital around 1:00pm, but on the way home from the hospital, I started feel very queasy. When hubby dropped by the store to pick up cat litter and Ginger Ale for me, I thought I was going to pass out from being so nauseated. I called the doctor and he called in a script for me to pick up at the drugstore. I crawled into the back seat of the Toyota to lay down, and waited for hubby to get back. He came back in a couple of minutes and took me the rest of the way home. I practically ran to the bedroom where I could lay down. I took some pain meds, the Methergine (the same meds I took last time to clamp down the uterus and get out any leftover tissue), and waited for hubby to get back with my anti-nausea medication. Laying down helped the nausea significantly, so I was ok until Daryl got back with the medication. I laid down for a good 5 hours. I've been taking the medication my doctor gave me -- methergine (I'll take it for 3 whole days, I like to call it the medication that GIVES me great pain, LOL), vicoprofen (for the pain...ugh, there's lots of it), and the antibiotic (so my uterus doesn't get infected, that I take for 5 days.)

Mom came over and made my favorite dinner!! Mashed Potato Casserole -- I haven't had that in years. Yahoo! It was yummolicious, and helped me to feel a little bit better just by getting some food on my tummy. She's done my dishes and just been around to help me out and give me moral support. I love my mommy!! Hubby is here too, and holds me when I cry in bed at night and give me so much good moral support, but there is nothing like a mother's love.

Surgery

2008-05-06T13:48:00.001-05:00

D&C tomorrow at 0930. I'm a little nervous about it but not too bad. I'm just ready for it to be over. I think (hope) this will help me emotionally... this way I don't have to agonize over every trip to the bathroom, or think too much about what happened/is happening. If possible, they are going to send the baby off to the lab for genetic testing.... I'm hoping that can give me answers on why I keep miscarrying. Then maybe we can find a solution to it and be able to actually have a healthy pregnancy. I'm not happy about this, but there is obviously nothing I can do. I've been balling my eyes out every chance I get. I don't know why the third miscarriage is hitting me so hard..maybe because I had so many plans and hopes and dreams for this baby. I really thought this baby would make it, but I guess I was wrong.

Bad News Today.

2008-05-05T19:09:00.001-05:00

I don't really know what to think right now. I didn't get to talk to the doctor today because he was out of town. The u/s tech told me that baby was measuring 6 weeks exactly (I should be 7+ weeks) but the sac was even less than that. She looked and looked but could not find a heartbeat - that's not good, considering he could at least see one at the last apt. So I don't get to talk to the doc until at least tomorrow. I know that it'll be bad news. I was bleeding a little last night and spotting today...and I know my body... I know what is coming, I can feel it. This is going to be so hard to deal with.

A Little Confused...

2008-04-30T20:06:00.003-05:00

Well I really can't tell if my doctor's appointment was good or bad today. In fact, I was so confused when I walked out and went to my car that I went back into the doctor's office to ask them to explain a little more. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor (which sucks because he's moving to Texas after next week!), but I just left feeling confused and needed a little bit of explanation (which he gladly gave).

My ultrasound lasted for a long time, probably about 15 or 20 minutes (and was quite uncomfortable, let me tell you!). The doctor had a hard time differentiating between what was actually "baby" and what was part of the gestational sac. It truthfully looks like a little blob right now -- which doesn't bother me, because I know that it is a baby, not just a "blob". There was a faint heartbeat that could be barely seen, but measured (after tediously trying to find it) at less than 100 beats -- no exact number was known.

The doctor said that he was, at this point, "cautiously optimistic". He talked about back when I had my first HCG test, and my HCG number was 22, it looked pretty "dicey" but looked much better in the next few days when it was rising like it was supposed to. ((see previous blogs if you are confused here)) He said this could also be a case like that, where we would just need to watch for change at my next ultrasound (which is on Monday) and go from there.

The bottom line is that I'm obviously pregnant -- my boobs hurt, I'm super duper tired ALL of the time, I like foods that I don't normally like (chili and mint patties), I can't sit down for long without feeling blahhh, and I'm not feeling 100%. I can see at least SOMETHING in the gestational sac and that SOMETHING has a heartbeat....be it a not very strong heartbeat, at least not yet.

Now it's just a waiting game until Monday... I'm just praying that they can easily find a strong heartbeat and that they can measure baby and that baby is growing like (s)he is supposed to. I don't know if I can make it through a third miscarriage... Ugh.... I hhhhhate the waiting game!!!

Well...

2008-04-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

I guess nobody reads my blog... lol. I still haven't told all of my family members that I am pregnant, and apparently none of them read my blog or else they'd be calling to congradulate me...ha! Oh well.

I'm 6 weeks today!!! Only 3 more lonnnnng days until my first ultrasound. I'm so nervous about it....so so nervous. But I realize I have no conrol over my baby (to an extent) and just need to let it go into God's hands. It's so tough though!

Doing Better... I think?

2008-04-25T00:12:00.003-05:00

A few days ago when I got home from work I had cottage cheese, pineapples, pickles, olives, pickled okra, a pepper, and chocolate. Yum!

From my calculations right now, I should be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. I'm feeling better today, mainly because I'm feeling worse (like that made any sense.) But I know I'm still not over the hump, if I ever will be! I know also that even if I have morning sickness symptoms, it doesn't mean the pregnancy is healthy (yes, I know that from experience.) I am certainly having pregnancy symptoms -- sore boobs, major heartburn, tiredness, sluggishness, sick to my stomach a lot-- to say the least. And to think, actual "morning sickness" hasn't even started! But I'll just keep on praying and keep on being careful with what I do and eat, and just have to wait and see.

Worried, probably for no reason

2008-04-23T01:22:00.004-05:00

I have been a little worried today, but worrying does no good. It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't solve any problems, it just makes me sick to my stomach and feel crappy. I don't even know why I've been so worried! I have no bad signs that there is something wrong with baby. My boobs are still sore every once in a while, I still feel icky if I sit in the wrong position for too long, my lower back still aches a little bit when I sit down for too long. I've read that the "real" morning sickness doesn't really start until 6 weeks, which I will be on Sunday, but for whatever reason my crazy mind thinks I should be sick NOW. So.... I dunno. I'll just have to leave it in God's hands because it is totally out of my control. My ultrasound is not until April 30th, so I'll just have to wait until then.

It's gonna be a long 9 months!

2008-04-21T19:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I have absolutely no idea who reads this, so hopefully I'm not sticking you with too big of a shocker!

I found out on the 10th that I am pregnant!!! I am so super excited. I didn't tell many people, even family, because I wanted to get some tests run first to see if it was good or not. I didn't really want to tell my work yet, because I know its an inconveniece for me to be on Light Duty, but I caved and got my doctor's
note and told them. I'd rather just play it safe at this point.

These are what they my HCG levels were:
* April 10th, 11 DPO, HCG = 22

* April 14th, 15 DPO, HCG = 98

* April 16th, 17 DPO, HCG = 236

(DPO = Days Past Ovulation)

If you don't know anything about HCG levels, those are good numbers! HCG is the basic pregnancy hormone , and right now should be doubling every 48 hrs or so. So those 3 tests looked good and the doctor wants to see me on April 30th for my first ultrasound, which I am very nervous about! He has put me on Progesterone, which is basically the hormone that helps sustain the pregnancy. I don't think I've had any bad side effects from it, but it's hard to differentiate them from my regular pregnancy symptoms.

So as of today I'm about 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. (yes, I found out VERY EARLY that I wad pregnant) Haven't had SUPER bad morning sickness yet, but I've read that it should start around 6 weeks -- yay! Haha. I have, however, had the super tiredness that comes wih pregnancy. It's like no tiredness you've ever felt, because it pretty much never goes away! But that should get better in my second trimester (Lord willing I make it that far). Right now, I wake up feeling sick (and that may be from the progesterone, I dunno) and I go to bed feeling a little sick. If I sit down for too long, I get crampy, but walking around fixes that quickly. If I stand up for too long, I feel dizzy, so sitting down helps. LOL! The joys of pregnancy. :)

Tired and .... more tired.

2008-02-05T01:06:00.001-06:00

Ever since my miscarriage I've been kinda BLAHHHH. I guess I'm stuck in this rut and am not sure how to get out of it. I'm tired ALL of the time and am cranky a lot. I wake up tired, I go to bed tired, and am so tired during the day that I all I can think about is the end of the day when I can crawl into bed. I've found myself lost in conversations with other people and yet I have NO idea what the conversation is about because I am lost somewhere in la-la land. And somewhere along the line, my self-image has gone down the drain, because when I look in the mirror I just feel fat and ugly and I don't like the person staring back at me.

I just wish I knew how to get out of this rut and be back to "normal". It's been 2 weeks since my miscarriage "completed". I've heard that it can take between 4 - 6 weeks for your body to get back to normal. I can't even remember what it was like in 2006 after the first few weeks of my first m/c, it was all just a big blur. When I saw the doctor last week he said the tiredness was pretty normal and I shouldn't worry about it. He took a blood test and it showed that my HCG levels were at 10, and they should be at 2 or below, so I have to go in next week to have them re-checked. I just want to get back to normal!! But I don't even know what "normal" is. When I allow myself to feel anything, I get this pain in my gut and I just feel like a part of me has died....and that hurts more than anything in the world. I just don't want to think about it, I just want to be normal again...

Not Thinking About It

2008-01-23T23:57:00.000-06:00

I guess my way of dealing with my miscarriage has been to not think about it. When people tell me they are very sorry for my loss (or however they may word it), it makes me tear up. When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them the truth -- I'm not thinking about it. I can deal with it if I don't think about it. Or, is that not dealing with it? I really don't know. But if I allow myself even a minute of thinking about it... or longingly look at a picture of a newborn.... or look too long at a pregnant woman... or think about what my life would have been like in late August when my baby was due, just a couple of weeks after my 24th birthday... or think about how great of a daddy Daryl would be... or think of how great it would have been to come home from work and find a baby sleeping in the crib, and how tiring but good it would have been to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed my precious little baby... I start to tear up again, and if I don't look away or stop thinking about it, I'll just ball endlessly until I have no more tears. So I cannot allow myself that luxury. Which goes back to my first point... I'm just not thinking about it. I wonder, is that healthy?

Too Much To Ask?

2008-01-16T22:50:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that I feel like a total lazy bum. I got probably 11 hours of sleep today (always interrupted, of course). I got up and took a shower, then went and got my eyebrows waxed and got a few groceries. I then came home, took a little nap, and fixed dinner for me and Daryl. I haven't done much around the house besides cook and do dishes, and I feel soooo lazy. Today is my last day of the Methergine, and I am so very glad about that. I hope that tomorrow my body can start getting back to normal. I'm so sick of this constant cramping, stomach pain, and horrid bleeding. I'm sick of this pain medication that makes me feel drunk and super tired. I'm sick of the stuff nose and other side effects (especially the constant munchies) of all of these medications. I tried so hard today to NOT take the pain meds, but I was so miserable around 1730hrs that I ended up giving in. I'm ready to start my life back again and get back into the game of trying to get pregnant again. Is that too much to ask?

Wrapping up the night.

2008-01-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

Today was not too bad. I stayed home from work so that I could try to recover more and because I hate being medicated at work. I was entirely unproductive the entire day. I don't know my "recovery" is going well or not! I can't even see an end in sight yet. I've been eating everything in sight -- I'm thinking that's probably a side effect of one (of the many) medications I am currently taking. I am so uncomfortable and in pain most of the day. Ugh. I'm just ready for this to be over and to resume normal life. Yes, we're going to try to get pregnant again when the doctor tells us we can. But I can't even think about it until my miscarriage is complete. :( Well, on that depressing note, I'm going to bed.

Today's Problems

2008-01-15T14:23:00.000-06:00

Today I am back on only 1 dose of Vicoprofen and I am hoping that I don't get the side side effects that I did when I doubled up on it. I'm doing ok so far, even though I feel a little drunk from all of this medication I have been taking.

Here is my problem: I had *one* time that I cried about it, and that was at work when I burst into sobs and sobbed for about an hour -- that was Tuesday of last week. It was pretty bad. Ever since I found out that I would be miscarrying and started miscarrying, I have been on pain medications. The cramping has been VERY bad, bad enough that OTC medications (ibuprofen, for instance) do not even come close to helping. For me, prescription pain medications make me very happy. They make me feel like I am walking on clouds, everything is funny, and I love everything and everyone, no matter how rude or mean they have ever been to me. So I have not really had the chance to even think about what is going on with my body. I have not had the chance to grieve my loss, or try to start to move on, or get over it. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when my medications wear off! I don't want to be miserable or depressed but I know that is probably what is coming. :(

On top of this, everyone else is having problems right now too. One of my best friends is really struggling with her hubby being gone to Iraq, my other best friend is sick all of the time and taking care of 2 babies in diapers, and my sister is having problems of her own. I want to help everybody but I don't know how!!! I wish I had the solution to everyone's problems. Hopefully it helps that I can listen to them talk, but I feel badly that I can't do anything to solve their problems. :(

My horrible day and night

2008-01-15T13:27:00.000-06:00

Well, here we go. This is more of a personal rant, and I don't expect anyone to read this, nor do I expect anyone to reply. It has ALWAYS helped me to get my feelings out by writing them, so this is more of a personal journal.

I had some problems over the weekend (bleeding a lot and having mega cramps). I had taken some mild (yet still narcotic) pain killers, but even with them, I was still feeling heavy cramping -- all of this while I was at work. So I called my doctor early Monday to see how we could solve this problem. He examined me and did an ultrasound. He found that it looked like I had passed the gestational sac but there was still lots of tissue and stuff in my uterus that needed to come out for me to be back to normal. He gave me 2 options:

1) Have a D&C. It's a surgery, so there are always risks of going under anesthesia and also risks of possibly damaging my uterine organs since it is such a delicate procedure. The only GOOD part is that everything would be over quicker and this constant bleeding and cramping would not last much longer, and I could finally grieve and start to move on.

2) Take a medication called "Methergine" that SHOULD expel everything from my uterus and put my back to normal. The down sides: heavy cramping, more bleeding, dragging the process out, and the possibility of still having to have a D&C if everything doesn't come out like it is supposed to.

I chose option 2. I started on the Methergine yesterday (3 times daily) and he also prescribed me some Vicoprofen (every 4 hrs) and an antibiotic (2 times daily). I had THE WORST cramps yesterday on my drive to work. When I got to work and onto the bathroom, I had passed some pretty thick tissue (which was probably why I was having such horrible cramping). The vicoprofen apparently was not working like it should have. So I called the doctor again and he said I could take 2 vicoprofen on my next dose time. I took 2, and it made me feel horribly drunk, but the pain was gone. However --- EVERYWHERE on my body started itching. I called the pharmacist and he said I could take Benadryl to counteract the itching. I did, and it helped a LITTLE but not much. I FINALLY got through the end of my shift and drove home.

When I got home, it was time for my next dose of pain meds. I took them gratefully. I also took TWO Benadryl this time, but the pain meds still made me itch all over. It also made me VERY hungry... I ate a banana split when I got home. Then I cut up half a cucumber and ate it. Then I throwing candy into my mouth like there was no tomorrow. Then Daryl said I was going a little bonkers on the food (LOL!) so I decided it was time for bed.

I was so tired I was practically falling asleep standing. But when I got to bed, I remembered instantly why I had not liked taking this medication before. It makes me psychotic at bedtime... LOL! Actually it isn't funny. Each time I would try to go to sleep, I would involuntarily kick my legs. If that didn't happen, I would start seeing and hearing things -- people outside my window talking to me, or little rats gnawing on things under the bed. I would try to think good thoughts, like of Jesus up in Heaven - but then his face would turn into the devil with horns and he'd chase after me. (I know, it's really messed up). I'd try to think of good people doing good things, but they would turn into bad people and come after me with guns. When I tried to drift off to sleep, I would start to yell, but I didn't want to wake up Daryl so I would stop myself and force myself to wake up. I was EXHAUSTED but could not fall asleep because of this stuff. This went on and on and on for over an hour. I'd finally had enough, so I got out of bed and went into the living room. I turned on something pleasant on TV and took a sleeping pill (after getting online to make sure that it wouldn't interact badly with all of the other medication I had taken that day). Finally finally finally, at 3 AM I got to sleep.