I guess my way of dealing with my miscarriage has been to not think about it. When people tell me they are very sorry for my loss (or however they may word it), it makes me tear up. When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them the truth -- I'm not thinking about it. I can deal with it if I don't think about it. Or, is that not dealing with it? I really don't know. But if I allow myself even a minute of thinking about it... or longingly look at a picture of a newborn.... or look too long at a pregnant woman... or think about what my life would have been like in late August when my baby was due, just a couple of weeks after my 24th birthday... or think about how great of a daddy Daryl would be... or think of how great it would have been to come home from work and find a baby sleeping in the crib, and how tiring but good it would have been to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed my precious little baby... I start to tear up again, and if I don't look away or stop thinking about it, I'll just ball endlessly until I have no more tears. So I cannot allow myself that luxury. Which goes back to my first point... I'm just not thinking about it. I wonder, is that healthy?
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1 comment:
Bonnie,
I don't know if it gets any easier even when you have a baby at home. I sometimes find myself thinking about my twins and then looking at Oliver, happy and healthy, then feeling guilty that I don't think of Clara and Caylee more often. Sigh.
I certainly know that my whole life was consumed with my pregnancy with Oliver, which helped tremendously in dealing with the loss of my twins. I believe that they sent Oliver to me, they knew he needed me more than they needed me.
I know in time you will be holding a precious baby and loving him or her to your absolute fullest because it will feel like you can never love them too much.
~Kristie
PS - please tell me if I ever get too sappy :)
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