March 17th, 2006

I can't believe it has been 3 years already. On this day 3 years ago was when I lost my very first baby...gosh, I still remember the day vividly. In a way, it seems like just yesterday; but in a way, it also feels like a lifetime.

Friday, March 17th, 2006:
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and had stopped worrying that something might go wrong. I was excited about life and the new life growing inside of me. I went to work that evening, feeling fine. I went to the restroom a few hours after beginning my shift, and saw that I was spotting a little. I didn't think too much of it, but went back to my desk and decided to give my doctor a call. I called her and was advised to go to the ER. I then called my husband and had him follow me to be checked out at an after hours clinic.

We went to an Urgent Care place first, but, after briefly seeing me, they advised us we needed to go to a hospital instead. So I left my car there and rode to St. Francis Hospital with hubby. I remember feeling a little panicky but feeling pretty good. I still remember a couple that was there also, waiting to be seen, and the older gentleman looked like he was in a bit of pain, but I was the one who was seen first because of the pregnancy. (I felt bad for him)

They drew my blood and did the other normal stuff, then we waited around for what seemed like forever. They also brought in an ultrasound machine... I still remember the doctor performing the ultrasound while looking a little puzzled at the screen, then he suddenly shut the screen off. He told me the baby just wasn't in a good position to be seen and he was not really an OB doctor so he probably just wasn't doing it right. My mom was working at the hospital that night and she came down to see me. We waited a little longer, then the doctor came in one last time, saying he was discharging me. He gave no explanation except that I might *possibly* be having a miscarriage, I needed to go home and get some rest, and see my doctor on Monday. I was confused because I thought he'd at least be able to give me some better information than that! We went home, puzzled, but still feeling pretty good, thinking the doctor was just kind of dumb and didn't know what he was talking about.

(I later learned that they had taken my Blood HCG levels. They were down so low that the doctor KNEW I was having a miscarriage and the baby couldn't possibly be alive, which he also knew with the ultrasound where he pretended to not know what he was doing - he just didn't have the balls to tell me.)

It was a long weekend. I called my OB Doctor first thing Monday morning. She got me an afternoon appointment. Mom went with Daryl and I to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling pretty good about the pregnancy, and convinced nothing was wrong, talking and laughing with my mom and hubby. When we finally got called into the room, which seemed like forever, I held my breath while she was doing the ultrasound. Very shortly into it, with hardly any emotion and no compassion, she simply said, "There is no heartbeat." And wow...my world just came crashing down around me. I felt like my heart stopped beating and I started sobbing my eyes out. After looking at me like I was an alien, the doctor left the room to give us some privacy. My mom cried with me and my husband just held me. When the doctor came back, she said I needed to think about a D&C Surgery since I was so far along. I was then led to another room to the lady who makes appointments for surgery. I remember sitting in her office, sobbing more than I ever had in my life, while she calmly explained the procedure and scheduled a day for it (which was the next day or the day after). I was so hesitant to work with her because I knew that would mean the end for the baby, and I wasn't willing to give him up yet! I had so much love for my baby and wanted to be able to do the things that normal parents do... I wasn't willing to accept the facts. But I finally gave in, and once everything was settled, we were allowed to leave out the back way. (Thank God, because who wants to see a sobbing patient, who was just told her baby died, walking out of an OB doctor's office filled with happily pregnant women?)

I remember sitting in the parking lot in hubby's car, clutching the ultrasound pic I had been given, which was the last picture I'd ever have of my beautiful baby. My sister sent me a text saying something like "hey sis, how's my nephew?". I believe I replied with something like "dead" (how's that for tact? sorry sis!). I was in so much anguish I didn't even know what to do with myself. Hubby was hungry and I hadn't eaten, so we stopped by Chile's on the way home. I was still crying a little... I remember the waitress coming to the table and I was choking on saying my order. I then looked up at her and said that I just found out I was having a miscarriage (as if she knew me or cared) - I continued crying and tried to make it through the meal.

The days went on, I had my surgery, but I was never the same. I spent hours and hours over the next month just sobbing and sobbing. I had Daryl lay with me on many nights while I sobbed myself to sleep. He was so comforting! I couldn't understand why this had happened and I blamed myself, thinking there were things I could have done differently or that I had somehow caused this. I remember people telling me that I could just try again, it would happen when it was the right time, it wasn't the end of the world, etc -- BTW dont EVER tell someone that, that's really the most cruel thing you can say to someone in my position. I just needed people to hold me while I cried or to tell me that they were very sorry for my loss, even though most people couldn't possibly know what I was going through. I remember a few days after my surgery, my husband had to go to work one evening. I didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want me to either, so I asked my best friend and her husband (and their infant, as things would have it, but they couldn't very well leave him at home) to come sit with me for a while while hubby did his work stuff. I remember her and I sat in my computer room and we talked and I just cried and cried and cried while she just listened to me and let me cry on her shoulder -- friends like that are amazing, that meant so much to me, I'm so blessed to have her in my life. But I knew I was headed for a long and painful road and I just didn't want to endure it.

Little did I know how long and painful road that would be! I went through a surgery to remove Endometriosis and a vaginal septum 2 months later. In the next 3 years, I had 4 additional miscarriages and 2 additional D&C's. We spent thousands of dollars on Fertility Doctors and treatments, and of no avail.

I got the job I am currently at just 5 months after my first miscarriage. It was still a tough time for me and I remember going into the bathroom often, crying about my baby and grieving over him. A few months after starting my new job, I found out that my best friend was pregnant with her second child, and also in the first month of trying! I remember finding out the news at work... I was so upset and jealous and sad for myself. I wanted a baby so bad and we were having so many problems. I remember talking to a coworker about it the day I found out, and she gently told me that she was sorry for my loss, but I needed to be happy for my friend, and this was about her, not me. (ouch! but that was actually very good advice.)

Since 2006 I've had many friends pregnant with me, including my sister, all of whom have gone on to have their babies, while I was left with nothing but heartbreak. I couldn't help but be jealous of them. I thought my time would never come. Time does help heal wounds, but nothing ever completely takes it away. The hurt was so deep and the anguish was so heart wrenching - I don't know that anyone could understand, unless they have been through one themselves -- but thats not to discount their support, because some of the best support I got was from people who have never been through this.

I know, though chromosomal testing, that the babies I lost were 2 boys with chromosomal disorders, 1 completely healthy girl, and 2 unknowns (those were the 2 natural miscarriages, and they SUCK and are very painful, by the way). I will never, ever forget my first. It got slightly easier with each miscarriage, but they all hurt in their own way.

And here I am now, 3 years later, a completely different person, more mature and grown up, and definitely more jaded. The day my sister gave birth to her second child in December of 2008 was the day I found out that my new pregnancy hormone levels looked good, better than with any other pregnancy, and I might have a chance at actually having the baby I was newly pregnant with! And now today I'm almost halfway through my 6th pregnancy and everything looks good so far! I can't be happier or any more thankful that God has finally blessed me with a baby that at least looks like it has a chance of survival. I don't know why it has happened this way, but I am ever so grateful. I know I will love this child more than I can ever imagine. It has been a long, painful journey...but in the end, God does know what He is doing, and I am thankful for that!

:o(

My HCG was down to 15 on Thursday, so obviously I will not be having a baby this time. *sigh*

Lucky 24

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Why Did You Have To Leave?

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.


This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(

Hope to be better...

I took my last bit of antibiotics early early this morning, so maybe I will start to feel a lot better soon. I think they were making me dizzy, faint feeling, and nauseated...yuk. My uterus is still sore, it feels on my stomach like I've done about 600 crunches in the span of 4 minutes. So I'm still taking a little bit of the pain medication, but I have cut wayyyyyy down on it. I've been uncomfortably nauseated tonight, I don't know why. I wish it to go away though, I've got better things to do with my time then sit around the house feeling sick!! I hope to be feeling much better by my follow-up appointment on Friday.

1 Day Past Surgery

Mom spent the night last night, which was very peaceful. (I don't know that a girl ever stops needing her mom) Daryl went off to work half the day, so mom stayed with me, made me a yummy brunch, and took care of me for the morning and part of the afternoon. I have figured out (the hard way) that I DON'T like being alone right now, but I guess that can't be helped at certain times.

A day past surgery and I'm still quite miserable. I think the anesthesia has worn off now, for the most part, because I'm feeling quite a bit more pain than yesterday, and some intense cramping also. My throat hurts, probably from being intubated during surgery -- didn't feel it yesterday but I sure feel it today! My neck hurts quite a bit, for whatever reason. My stomach feels like someone has scraped out the insides of it... oh wait, that was my uterus, not stomach, but close enough. The throat hurting thing makes it fairly difficult to cry... every time the tears well up in my eyes, my throat starts throbbing. So crying is a lose-lose situation for me right now, though it hasn't stopped me from doing so many times today.

I'm sure I'm sounding like a miserable grump, but I just feel pretty darn miserable and down right now. I'm still taking the Vicoprofen for pain, the Methergine to "clamp" and expel anything left in my uterus(es), the antibiotic to keep my uterus(es) from getting infected, and the occasional anti-nausea medicine that I rub on my stomach or wrist. This Methergine is quite the evil pill, but I think it gets the job done.... I can't wait til I take my last dose in a day in a half! My digestive system isn't working very well right now, which definitely makes things slightly... uh...more uncomfortable.

I took a shower this evening, which briefly made me feel a little better. Then I looked in the mirror and wished I hadn't...ha! I still look like hell. I'd like to get a short hair cut sometime this week, but I'm not entirely certain what I want to do yet. So life is pretty miserable right now, but I'm hoping and praying that there are better days ahead. I'm supposed to return to work on Monday... I hope that I'll be up for it. Even if I'm not entirely, I think a change of scenery will be good for me.

Post Surgery

Surgery went well. I waited for 2 hours in my surgery waiting area before they finally took me in, but it went pretty fast from there. My mom, sis, and hubby were there with me. It was nice because they made the time go by fast.

They took me into the OR and I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes. He was very kind and helpful... I'm very sad that he will be moving his practice to Texas in a couple weeks! It's hard to find a really good doctor these days. The put my arms down on little "arm rests" on the surgery table, and covered them with a warm blanket. They placed the "oxygen mask" -- "this is just oxygen, I swear!" -- over my mouth and nose, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up FREEZING in the recovery room. After I shivered for a few minutes, the nurse came to me and covered me with several warm blankets (below the ones I already had). I don't know how long I was in there for, but they sent me to the family recovery waiting room after that. The first thing I remember is my mom saying "he got enough specimen/baby for the chromosomal testing!". I was very excited about that, because that's part of the reason I wanted the D&C and not the natural way this time. I was a little worried that he might not be able to get anything to test, because I had already started bleeding a little before the surgery. The results should be back in 3 - 5 weeks. I'll try not to think about it so it will go faster. I hope that my baby didn't have the same chromosomal disorder as the first one did, which was Trisomy 15. I don't think that is the case though, because this baby died 2 - 3 weeks before my first one did. My mom thinks this baby might have had a Trisomy disorder too, but we won't know until we get the results back. If so, that's probably going to be very bad news, because I don't know what we will be able to do about it, nor if we will ever be able to have a healthy baby. I want some answers but I know they will not come quickly.

I have been dead to the world out of it most of the day. I felt pretty good leaving the hospital around 1:00pm, but on the way home from the hospital, I started feel very queasy. When hubby dropped by the store to pick up cat litter and Ginger Ale for me, I thought I was going to pass out from being so nauseated. I called the doctor and he called in a script for me to pick up at the drugstore. I crawled into the back seat of the Toyota to lay down, and waited for hubby to get back. He came back in a couple of minutes and took me the rest of the way home. I practically ran to the bedroom where I could lay down. I took some pain meds, the Methergine (the same meds I took last time to clamp down the uterus and get out any leftover tissue), and waited for hubby to get back with my anti-nausea medication. Laying down helped the nausea significantly, so I was ok until Daryl got back with the medication. I laid down for a good 5 hours. I've been taking the medication my doctor gave me -- methergine (I'll take it for 3 whole days, I like to call it the medication that GIVES me great pain, LOL), vicoprofen (for the pain...ugh, there's lots of it), and the antibiotic (so my uterus doesn't get infected, that I take for 5 days.)

Mom came over and made my favorite dinner!! Mashed Potato Casserole -- I haven't had that in years. Yahoo! It was yummolicious, and helped me to feel a little bit better just by getting some food on my tummy. She's done my dishes and just been around to help me out and give me moral support. I love my mommy!! Hubby is here too, and holds me when I cry in bed at night and give me so much good moral support, but there is nothing like a mother's love.

Surgery

D&C tomorrow at 0930. I'm a little nervous about it but not too bad. I'm just ready for it to be over. I think (hope) this will help me emotionally... this way I don't have to agonize over every trip to the bathroom, or think too much about what happened/is happening. If possible, they are going to send the baby off to the lab for genetic testing.... I'm hoping that can give me answers on why I keep miscarrying. Then maybe we can find a solution to it and be able to actually have a healthy pregnancy. I'm not happy about this, but there is obviously nothing I can do. I've been balling my eyes out every chance I get. I don't know why the third miscarriage is hitting me so hard..maybe because I had so many plans and hopes and dreams for this baby. I really thought this baby would make it, but I guess I was wrong.

Not Thinking About It

I guess my way of dealing with my miscarriage has been to not think about it. When people tell me they are very sorry for my loss (or however they may word it), it makes me tear up. When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them the truth -- I'm not thinking about it. I can deal with it if I don't think about it. Or, is that not dealing with it? I really don't know. But if I allow myself even a minute of thinking about it... or longingly look at a picture of a newborn.... or look too long at a pregnant woman... or think about what my life would have been like in late August when my baby was due, just a couple of weeks after my 24th birthday... or think about how great of a daddy Daryl would be... or think of how great it would have been to come home from work and find a baby sleeping in the crib, and how tiring but good it would have been to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed my precious little baby... I start to tear up again, and if I don't look away or stop thinking about it, I'll just ball endlessly until I have no more tears. So I cannot allow myself that luxury. Which goes back to my first point... I'm just not thinking about it. I wonder, is that healthy?

Today's Problems

Today I am back on only 1 dose of Vicoprofen and I am hoping that I don't get the side side effects that I did when I doubled up on it. I'm doing ok so far, even though I feel a little drunk from all of this medication I have been taking.

Here is my problem: I had *one* time that I cried about it, and that was at work when I burst into sobs and sobbed for about an hour -- that was Tuesday of last week. It was pretty bad. Ever since I found out that I would be miscarrying and started miscarrying, I have been on pain medications. The cramping has been VERY bad, bad enough that OTC medications (ibuprofen, for instance) do not even come close to helping. For me, prescription pain medications make me very happy. They make me feel like I am walking on clouds, everything is funny, and I love everything and everyone, no matter how rude or mean they have ever been to me. So I have not really had the chance to even think about what is going on with my body. I have not had the chance to grieve my loss, or try to start to move on, or get over it. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when my medications wear off! I don't want to be miserable or depressed but I know that is probably what is coming. :(

On top of this, everyone else is having problems right now too. One of my best friends is really struggling with her hubby being gone to Iraq, my other best friend is sick all of the time and taking care of 2 babies in diapers, and my sister is having problems of her own. I want to help everybody but I don't know how!!! I wish I had the solution to everyone's problems. Hopefully it helps that I can listen to them talk, but I feel badly that I can't do anything to solve their problems. :(

My horrible day and night

Well, here we go. This is more of a personal rant, and I don't expect anyone to read this, nor do I expect anyone to reply. It has ALWAYS helped me to get my feelings out by writing them, so this is more of a personal journal.

I had some problems over the weekend (bleeding a lot and having mega cramps). I had taken some mild (yet still narcotic) pain killers, but even with them, I was still feeling heavy cramping -- all of this while I was at work. So I called my doctor early Monday to see how we could solve this problem. He examined me and did an ultrasound. He found that it looked like I had passed the gestational sac but there was still lots of tissue and stuff in my uterus that needed to come out for me to be back to normal. He gave me 2 options:

1) Have a D&C. It's a surgery, so there are always risks of going under anesthesia and also risks of possibly damaging my uterine organs since it is such a delicate procedure. The only GOOD part is that everything would be over quicker and this constant bleeding and cramping would not last much longer, and I could finally grieve and start to move on.

2) Take a medication called "Methergine" that SHOULD expel everything from my uterus and put my back to normal. The down sides: heavy cramping, more bleeding, dragging the process out, and the possibility of still having to have a D&C if everything doesn't come out like it is supposed to.

I chose option 2. I started on the Methergine yesterday (3 times daily) and he also prescribed me some Vicoprofen (every 4 hrs) and an antibiotic (2 times daily). I had THE WORST cramps yesterday on my drive to work. When I got to work and onto the bathroom, I had passed some pretty thick tissue (which was probably why I was having such horrible cramping). The vicoprofen apparently was not working like it should have. So I called the doctor again and he said I could take 2 vicoprofen on my next dose time. I took 2, and it made me feel horribly drunk, but the pain was gone. However --- EVERYWHERE on my body started itching. I called the pharmacist and he said I could take Benadryl to counteract the itching. I did, and it helped a LITTLE but not much. I FINALLY got through the end of my shift and drove home.

When I got home, it was time for my next dose of pain meds. I took them gratefully. I also took TWO Benadryl this time, but the pain meds still made me itch all over. It also made me VERY hungry... I ate a banana split when I got home. Then I cut up half a cucumber and ate it. Then I throwing candy into my mouth like there was no tomorrow. Then Daryl said I was going a little bonkers on the food (LOL!) so I decided it was time for bed.

I was so tired I was practically falling asleep standing. But when I got to bed, I remembered instantly why I had not liked taking this medication before. It makes me psychotic at bedtime... LOL! Actually it isn't funny. Each time I would try to go to sleep, I would involuntarily kick my legs. If that didn't happen, I would start seeing and hearing things -- people outside my window talking to me, or little rats gnawing on things under the bed. I would try to think good thoughts, like of Jesus up in Heaven - but then his face would turn into the devil with horns and he'd chase after me. (I know, it's really messed up). I'd try to think of good people doing good things, but they would turn into bad people and come after me with guns. When I tried to drift off to sleep, I would start to yell, but I didn't want to wake up Daryl so I would stop myself and force myself to wake up. I was EXHAUSTED but could not fall asleep because of this stuff. This went on and on and on for over an hour. I'd finally had enough, so I got out of bed and went into the living room. I turned on something pleasant on TV and took a sleeping pill (after getting online to make sure that it wouldn't interact badly with all of the other medication I had taken that day). Finally finally finally, at 3 AM I got to sleep.