The Waiting Game.... I love it!

Well, shows you what I know! The nurse called me back and told me that my HCG was 24 and was a "good number" and my Progesterone was 26 and was a very good number. I'm started on the progesterone supplements anyway, just in case. I'm getting vampired again on Thursday. I'm still feeling a bit pessemistic, but it is out of my hands, I know.

Vampires

I got vampired today. The doctor insists that she follow my HCG levels, so I guess you can disregard the previous blog (so much for my soapbox). I don't get the results back until tomorrow but I really don't think they will be good. It's not just my eternal pessimism coming through, either!! And don't tell me "it'll be ok" or "just relax"...I think sometimes you just "know"...and trust me, I know. *sigh*

No Tests, Please

I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and see what she wants me to do, if she wants to do anything different this time. I know that, if I have a choice, I dont want to do the quantitative HCG tests like I did the last 3 times. It basically goes like this: I get vampired at the doctor, I wait with nauseaus butterflies in my stomach for a day or two, I get the results, I obsess over whether they are good or bad, then I wait nauseously again for the test in 48hrs, I get vampired, wait for results, and spend too many hours crying and obsessing over them again. Its a completely vicious cycle! I can't see what good it does, beside make me an nervous, anxious mess. I'm gonna be nervous and anxious enough as it is, I dont need it compounded by the numbers obsession. So, if my doctor doesn't mind, I won't get the HCG level tests. I'll wait until at least the 7th week (which should be in 3 weeks) to get my first ultrasound also (which should be ample time to see the heartbeat, if there is one). If the baby is going to die, there is (heartbreakingly) nothing I can do about it, I don't need to worry myself to death in the mean time. (I guess I'll have to wait to see what the doctor says about that though!)

P.S. It still doesn't seem real to me... after 1 Equate preg test and 1 Clearblue Easy Digital yesterday, both of which clearly said "PREGNANT", I still can't convince myself. I feel like I could wake up any minute and this all be a dream! Ugh. I'm ready for the barfy, 24/7 morning sickness! With every pregnancy the moment I stopped feeling sick was when the baby died... ugh. (now do you see why I can't help but obsess???)

It feels like a dream...

It feels like I'm living in a dream... I feel like, at any minute, I could snap out of it and wake up. I really didn't think I would get pregnant this cycle. I was ovulating around the time that I had my MRI with the Versed (a drug to relax me because MRIs scare the poo out of me). I didn't think I would get pregnant and I hope that didn't somehow hurt the baby.

I'm gonna try to do everything right this time... not eat anything "bad", take my vitamins every single day, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, etc. I know these are small potatoes and probably won't amount to much, but I just want to make SURE that I do everything I can.

This pregnancy feels so weird...it almost doesn't even feel real. I didn't (preg) test yesterday because I thought I was pregnant (because I really didn't think I was), I tested because I have a testing obsession!! Every month I waste probably 6 or 7 pregnancy tests because I just *know* I'm totally pregnant....but I'm not. But on the months where I just *know* I'm not pregnant...that's when I'm actually pregnant. It has happened that way every single pregnancy!

I don't have any real symptoms yet. I won't even be 4 weeks until at least tomorrow. I have had a little bit sore boobs, some heartburn, and a lot of tiredness, but not a whole lot else.

I don't really have any hope (of having a baby) left. I mean, after having had 4 miscarriages (3 of which have been in 2008), can you really blame me?

So since you're reading this...will you have hope for me?

1 Month

I just saw my ticker box and realized that it has been 1 month ago today. 1 month since I started bleeding and knew that that pregnancy was over. I can't believe it has been that long. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday. Funny that I finally feel like I'm getting back to "normal" (whatever that is). But this is part of the reason why a miscarriage is so dreaded... you see it coming and you know your life will never be the same again, and you also know that for at least a month after that you will be miserable and feel crappy and just not be "you". Funny also that I've been telling myself for an entire month now that I'm not thinking about it and I don't want to think about the road up ahead. I'm too scared and it stresses me out severely. I don't really know what to do at this point. I know I can't go on like this forever... I have to think about what is next. But I also don't know how many miscarriages and D&Cs a uterus can take before it just completely gives out. *sigh*