4 days...and 5 hours!

So I might have just bitten into a strawberry that was slightly past its prime. Actually...I might have just devoured about 6 of them that were slightly past their prime. And that, my friend, is because they were covered in chocolate. Wow...let me be the first to admit that I might possibly need some serious help. I'm going to blame that on the baby.

Baby also gets blamed for the fact that, for some strange reason, my favorite smell right now is dirt. Fresh dirt. Not that dirty dirt smell, or like moldy or mildew dirt smell, but like actual dirt from the yard or garden outside. I'm not going to eat dirt, if you were suddenly concerned about that. I just like the way it smells. Weird.

After having contractions all day (Braxton Hicks) and having more than 9 in 1 hour, I called the doctor. He said that since I was having no pain or other accompanying symptom, I would be fine - or if I was really concerned, I could go to the hospital and get checked out. I wasn't really concerned, so I've been downing water like the supply is going to run out. I've had about 3 glasses in the past few hours, so my doctor should be happy. He says that a true contraction will be accompanied by pain also and it's something I'll "know". Hmm. I've had contractions where it feels like baby is suddenly kicking the crap out of my bladder and the sharp pains stop me in my tracks, but I haven't had anything that has lasted for more than a minute. So... I dunno. And that crap about if a contraction feels like my nose, it's BH, or if it feels like my forehead, it's a real contraction - I have no clue what that's all about, because I've had some contractions that felt hard as rocks with no pain attached. So again...I dunno.

I also have had sudden bursts of energy tonight! Have been doing laundry and cleaning type stuff for hours now. I still have soooo much stuff to do to get ready for baby. I don't think I'll ever be fully ready. And I'm not an organized person nor do I know how to organize things well, so this has been rather difficult for me.

P.S. The 4 days and 5 hours is the amount of time until my C-Section!

21 weeks!

I 'm 21 weeks now, almost 22. I can't believe I've made it this far! I have some ultrasound pics from a few weeks ago that I need to scan in and post. Everything looks ok, as far as they know. I have another appointment with my high risk OB on Monday - he couldn't see everything in the baby's heart because of the position baby was in, so I'm going back in for another look. And if he can't see everything again, he's referring me to a pediatric cardiologist! That seems a little extreme to me, so hopefully baby will cooperate this time.

I'm still getting my weekly Progesterone shots. They don't hurt too much, but they do make me super tired. I've also been having a lot of cramps. They're like menstrual cramps, only not as severe as the ones I'm used to getting. Either way, they still hurt and I can't take anything for them (since I'm allergic to Tylenol). They come and go, but they're especially painful right after I wake up. Along with them comes lower back pain - yayyyy! That gets bad when I sit down for too long, so I have to get up and walk around a lot. But my doctor has said that everything is normal, especially since there is no spotting or bleeding - or maybe its just normal for me? Since the baby is growing in a half of a uterus and I'm fairly skinny, the uterus has to stretch and my muscles have to stretch out, thus cramping.

So...not much fun, but nothing I can do about it. On the plus side, I've been feeling baby move! I started feeling him move at about 17 1/2 weeks. He was probably moving before then, I just thought it was gas pains. I remember driving with hubby in the car, and I felt a little bump underneath the lap part of my seatbelt. I thought there was some bug crawling down there! So I looked down and put my hand down there to feel or see anything. I didn't see or feel anything, but a few seconds later, I felt it again. I knew that it wasn't gas pains and I knew I wasn't hungry - so when I felt it again a few seconds later, I knew it was baby! Hubby even got to feel him move one time, a couple of weeks after that. I still feel him, more everyday. It's pretty neat!

March 17th, 2006

I can't believe it has been 3 years already. On this day 3 years ago was when I lost my very first baby...gosh, I still remember the day vividly. In a way, it seems like just yesterday; but in a way, it also feels like a lifetime.

Friday, March 17th, 2006:
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and had stopped worrying that something might go wrong. I was excited about life and the new life growing inside of me. I went to work that evening, feeling fine. I went to the restroom a few hours after beginning my shift, and saw that I was spotting a little. I didn't think too much of it, but went back to my desk and decided to give my doctor a call. I called her and was advised to go to the ER. I then called my husband and had him follow me to be checked out at an after hours clinic.

We went to an Urgent Care place first, but, after briefly seeing me, they advised us we needed to go to a hospital instead. So I left my car there and rode to St. Francis Hospital with hubby. I remember feeling a little panicky but feeling pretty good. I still remember a couple that was there also, waiting to be seen, and the older gentleman looked like he was in a bit of pain, but I was the one who was seen first because of the pregnancy. (I felt bad for him)

They drew my blood and did the other normal stuff, then we waited around for what seemed like forever. They also brought in an ultrasound machine... I still remember the doctor performing the ultrasound while looking a little puzzled at the screen, then he suddenly shut the screen off. He told me the baby just wasn't in a good position to be seen and he was not really an OB doctor so he probably just wasn't doing it right. My mom was working at the hospital that night and she came down to see me. We waited a little longer, then the doctor came in one last time, saying he was discharging me. He gave no explanation except that I might *possibly* be having a miscarriage, I needed to go home and get some rest, and see my doctor on Monday. I was confused because I thought he'd at least be able to give me some better information than that! We went home, puzzled, but still feeling pretty good, thinking the doctor was just kind of dumb and didn't know what he was talking about.

(I later learned that they had taken my Blood HCG levels. They were down so low that the doctor KNEW I was having a miscarriage and the baby couldn't possibly be alive, which he also knew with the ultrasound where he pretended to not know what he was doing - he just didn't have the balls to tell me.)

It was a long weekend. I called my OB Doctor first thing Monday morning. She got me an afternoon appointment. Mom went with Daryl and I to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling pretty good about the pregnancy, and convinced nothing was wrong, talking and laughing with my mom and hubby. When we finally got called into the room, which seemed like forever, I held my breath while she was doing the ultrasound. Very shortly into it, with hardly any emotion and no compassion, she simply said, "There is no heartbeat." And wow...my world just came crashing down around me. I felt like my heart stopped beating and I started sobbing my eyes out. After looking at me like I was an alien, the doctor left the room to give us some privacy. My mom cried with me and my husband just held me. When the doctor came back, she said I needed to think about a D&C Surgery since I was so far along. I was then led to another room to the lady who makes appointments for surgery. I remember sitting in her office, sobbing more than I ever had in my life, while she calmly explained the procedure and scheduled a day for it (which was the next day or the day after). I was so hesitant to work with her because I knew that would mean the end for the baby, and I wasn't willing to give him up yet! I had so much love for my baby and wanted to be able to do the things that normal parents do... I wasn't willing to accept the facts. But I finally gave in, and once everything was settled, we were allowed to leave out the back way. (Thank God, because who wants to see a sobbing patient, who was just told her baby died, walking out of an OB doctor's office filled with happily pregnant women?)

I remember sitting in the parking lot in hubby's car, clutching the ultrasound pic I had been given, which was the last picture I'd ever have of my beautiful baby. My sister sent me a text saying something like "hey sis, how's my nephew?". I believe I replied with something like "dead" (how's that for tact? sorry sis!). I was in so much anguish I didn't even know what to do with myself. Hubby was hungry and I hadn't eaten, so we stopped by Chile's on the way home. I was still crying a little... I remember the waitress coming to the table and I was choking on saying my order. I then looked up at her and said that I just found out I was having a miscarriage (as if she knew me or cared) - I continued crying and tried to make it through the meal.

The days went on, I had my surgery, but I was never the same. I spent hours and hours over the next month just sobbing and sobbing. I had Daryl lay with me on many nights while I sobbed myself to sleep. He was so comforting! I couldn't understand why this had happened and I blamed myself, thinking there were things I could have done differently or that I had somehow caused this. I remember people telling me that I could just try again, it would happen when it was the right time, it wasn't the end of the world, etc -- BTW dont EVER tell someone that, that's really the most cruel thing you can say to someone in my position. I just needed people to hold me while I cried or to tell me that they were very sorry for my loss, even though most people couldn't possibly know what I was going through. I remember a few days after my surgery, my husband had to go to work one evening. I didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want me to either, so I asked my best friend and her husband (and their infant, as things would have it, but they couldn't very well leave him at home) to come sit with me for a while while hubby did his work stuff. I remember her and I sat in my computer room and we talked and I just cried and cried and cried while she just listened to me and let me cry on her shoulder -- friends like that are amazing, that meant so much to me, I'm so blessed to have her in my life. But I knew I was headed for a long and painful road and I just didn't want to endure it.

Little did I know how long and painful road that would be! I went through a surgery to remove Endometriosis and a vaginal septum 2 months later. In the next 3 years, I had 4 additional miscarriages and 2 additional D&C's. We spent thousands of dollars on Fertility Doctors and treatments, and of no avail.

I got the job I am currently at just 5 months after my first miscarriage. It was still a tough time for me and I remember going into the bathroom often, crying about my baby and grieving over him. A few months after starting my new job, I found out that my best friend was pregnant with her second child, and also in the first month of trying! I remember finding out the news at work... I was so upset and jealous and sad for myself. I wanted a baby so bad and we were having so many problems. I remember talking to a coworker about it the day I found out, and she gently told me that she was sorry for my loss, but I needed to be happy for my friend, and this was about her, not me. (ouch! but that was actually very good advice.)

Since 2006 I've had many friends pregnant with me, including my sister, all of whom have gone on to have their babies, while I was left with nothing but heartbreak. I couldn't help but be jealous of them. I thought my time would never come. Time does help heal wounds, but nothing ever completely takes it away. The hurt was so deep and the anguish was so heart wrenching - I don't know that anyone could understand, unless they have been through one themselves -- but thats not to discount their support, because some of the best support I got was from people who have never been through this.

I know, though chromosomal testing, that the babies I lost were 2 boys with chromosomal disorders, 1 completely healthy girl, and 2 unknowns (those were the 2 natural miscarriages, and they SUCK and are very painful, by the way). I will never, ever forget my first. It got slightly easier with each miscarriage, but they all hurt in their own way.

And here I am now, 3 years later, a completely different person, more mature and grown up, and definitely more jaded. The day my sister gave birth to her second child in December of 2008 was the day I found out that my new pregnancy hormone levels looked good, better than with any other pregnancy, and I might have a chance at actually having the baby I was newly pregnant with! And now today I'm almost halfway through my 6th pregnancy and everything looks good so far! I can't be happier or any more thankful that God has finally blessed me with a baby that at least looks like it has a chance of survival. I don't know why it has happened this way, but I am ever so grateful. I know I will love this child more than I can ever imagine. It has been a long, painful journey...but in the end, God does know what He is doing, and I am thankful for that!

12 weeks, 3 days

My doctor's appointment went very well Thursday, I was very pleased. I have this tendency of freaking out beforehand, thinking about all of the things that could go or could have already gone wrong. I was quite sick to my stomach right before the appointment and was practically holding my breath when he went to start the ultrasound. I didn't see the heartbeat right at first but he quickly measured it and it was 161, which he referred to as "excellent" (yay!).

It was incredible to see the baby moving around in there. I had never had an ultrasound where the baby was moving...I'd never actually made it that far. The last ultrasound that I had around 11-12wks (in 2006) was my very first miscarriage where I found out my baby was no longer alive. So, to be here where I am right now is just incredible. To see the growth, even in 2 weeks, (he'd grown his little arms and legs and fingers and hands!!) was amazing. The doctor showed me where the placenta was and that it was in a good place and doing well, and also he showed me the umbilical cord and how it was doing a nice job of pumping blood to the baby. I can't believe that baby is just so tiny right now yet is so very developed...the miracle of life is just indescribable. I seem to have forgotten all of the misery, nausea, and other uncomfortable unmentionables that I've had in the last 2 months. Well..except the stuffy nose from hell, it's still here, but I'm hoping and praying it goes away very quickly.

And yes...I'm saying "he" now. My doctor said the baby "had potential" for being a boy. Lol! I, for some reason, have been really prepared for a girl, so I might have to change my manner of thinking. But we'll know for sure (or actually, for almost sure, since they're sometimes not always correct) in a few weeks. I've waited so long for this, I really don't care anymore if it is a boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby. I'll leave you with my ultrasound photos that I have finally scanned and decided I am ready to share with you.

P.S. On Monday I'll be out of my first trimester!!! Wheeeee!!!!!!!



This was my very first ultrasound, 12-16-08, 5wks 5days. It's not much to see, but I saw the gestational sac and the little heart fluttering away, so I was pretty excited (especially after I was just certain that I had already lost the baby). I guess the picture on the left is my other uterus. The baby implanted in the left uterus this time - it has ALWAYS been on the right uterus, so maybe that's a good sign?




12-29-08, 7wks 6days. I'm not sure how many pics we can take of just one baby, but apparently at least 6!! It's ok though, I'm not complaining!!!





01-05-09, 8wks 5days (both picture sets). The top one shows that, even though I have two uteri, I only have one baby. Baby is a bit more distinguishable here, but still looks a bit blobby.



01-14-09, 10wks 2days. Hubby says baby looks like a gerbil!



01-29-09, 12wks 3days. My little alien!! He just gets cuter and cuter every time I see him.

9wks 3days

So, I guess I'm finally going to admit that I'm pregnant. It hasn't exactly been a secret, but I haven't exactly come right out and told people about it. After 5 miscarriages, I really don't think I need to explain my reasoning behind that.

I found out I was pregnant on November 29th. I had an initial HCG test of 82 on December 1st (I was about 3wks 6days), which was a little bit low and led me to believe that this was not a good pregnancy. A week and a half later, I began spotting. I thought that for sure I was having a another dreaded miscarriage and had given up all hope. I had another HCG test done (on the day that my sister was giving birth, no less!) and it was 23,000! So I went in for an ultrasound on December 16th (6wks) and saw that, indeed, there still was a baby in there. I took it VERY easy for about a week and a half after that. I had another ultrasound on December 29th (7wks 6day) which showed the growing baby with a heartrate of 155!! And I had yet another ultrasound on January 5th (8wks 6day) which showed a growing baby with a heartrate of 171. The doctor says this is all well and good so far and he will monitor me very closely. Each time I go in, the ultrasound seems to fluctuate a day or two. The doctor assured me that at this stage, that is perfectly normal (even to fluctuate from up to plus or minus 3 days). As of now, my due date would be August 11th - 4 days after my 25th birthday!!

I know I should be very, very happy about this, and I am, in a way. I'm still just very cautious about it. It was incredible to see the baby with a beautiful beating heart two times, but I've been down that road before, and it led to my own severe heartbreak eventually. The more I see my baby, the more I fall in love with it. The more I love it, the more it will ache if the baby doesn't make it. I just want to be past the point in my pregnancy where I worry everyday....it's really wearing me out.

I have been nauseated, queasy, and extremely fatigued (not to mention other symptoms...) for weeks now. I haven't thrown up (yay!) but would probably feel better if I could. I will grin and bear it, only because I hope there is something better ahead! I have read the articles that say that once you see a good heartrate past 7 weeks, you are very, very likely not to miscarry. But I am still skeptical, because I have been there before already and did miscarry!

No Tests, Please

I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and see what she wants me to do, if she wants to do anything different this time. I know that, if I have a choice, I dont want to do the quantitative HCG tests like I did the last 3 times. It basically goes like this: I get vampired at the doctor, I wait with nauseaus butterflies in my stomach for a day or two, I get the results, I obsess over whether they are good or bad, then I wait nauseously again for the test in 48hrs, I get vampired, wait for results, and spend too many hours crying and obsessing over them again. Its a completely vicious cycle! I can't see what good it does, beside make me an nervous, anxious mess. I'm gonna be nervous and anxious enough as it is, I dont need it compounded by the numbers obsession. So, if my doctor doesn't mind, I won't get the HCG level tests. I'll wait until at least the 7th week (which should be in 3 weeks) to get my first ultrasound also (which should be ample time to see the heartbeat, if there is one). If the baby is going to die, there is (heartbreakingly) nothing I can do about it, I don't need to worry myself to death in the mean time. (I guess I'll have to wait to see what the doctor says about that though!)

P.S. It still doesn't seem real to me... after 1 Equate preg test and 1 Clearblue Easy Digital yesterday, both of which clearly said "PREGNANT", I still can't convince myself. I feel like I could wake up any minute and this all be a dream! Ugh. I'm ready for the barfy, 24/7 morning sickness! With every pregnancy the moment I stopped feeling sick was when the baby died... ugh. (now do you see why I can't help but obsess???)

It feels like a dream...

It feels like I'm living in a dream... I feel like, at any minute, I could snap out of it and wake up. I really didn't think I would get pregnant this cycle. I was ovulating around the time that I had my MRI with the Versed (a drug to relax me because MRIs scare the poo out of me). I didn't think I would get pregnant and I hope that didn't somehow hurt the baby.

I'm gonna try to do everything right this time... not eat anything "bad", take my vitamins every single day, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, etc. I know these are small potatoes and probably won't amount to much, but I just want to make SURE that I do everything I can.

This pregnancy feels so weird...it almost doesn't even feel real. I didn't (preg) test yesterday because I thought I was pregnant (because I really didn't think I was), I tested because I have a testing obsession!! Every month I waste probably 6 or 7 pregnancy tests because I just *know* I'm totally pregnant....but I'm not. But on the months where I just *know* I'm not pregnant...that's when I'm actually pregnant. It has happened that way every single pregnancy!

I don't have any real symptoms yet. I won't even be 4 weeks until at least tomorrow. I have had a little bit sore boobs, some heartburn, and a lot of tiredness, but not a whole lot else.

I don't really have any hope (of having a baby) left. I mean, after having had 4 miscarriages (3 of which have been in 2008), can you really blame me?

So since you're reading this...will you have hope for me?

Lucky 24

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Why Did You Have To Leave?

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.


This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(

Diet Coke

I really want a Diet Coke. (I really would like a Whiskey Sour too, but that's obviously completely out of the question!) I don't ever drink Diet Coke, I don't drink "diet" anything, ick! Well..until my body was invaded by this little guy (that's right, I'm about 95% sure it's a boy), but I don't mind! He makes me nauseated in the evening times and smell everything that normal people should not smell. My boobs also have been hurting insanely mad tonight. But it's ok... I love him with all of my heart....well, the pieces of my heart that I have left; the pieces that were ripped out and shipped off to heaven with my other 3 babies will never be returned to me.

Signs

I know I said I dont believe in signs (i.e. pregnancy symptoms being good signs that the pregnancy is good), and I still dont. But I think I've been having some pretty good symptoms. My boobs hurt like crazy yesterday and hurt off and on today. I was feeling icky yesterday and a little today. I took a long nap today because I was just too tired to do anything else.

Did I mention I'm in Florida on one of hubby's business trips? Its SO beautiful here. I was born here!! (I just haven't been back since mom moved us to Oklahoma when I was still very little.) I'm kinda glad I have something to keep my mind occupied till the dreaded 2nd ultrasound on this coming Monday. Sucks though that there is all sorts of free alcohol and good drinks around where I am but I can't partake. Also there are gobs of cute bars and places to sit outside with a night cap, but like a boring old woman, I just go back to my room and sleep. But I can accept that, even with a smile on my face, if it means that I trade it for a healthy baby. Please keep praying for me!

Uncertainty

Not really feeling pregnant. I'm kinda dreading Monday's ultrasound. I've been feeling almost a little crampy... or mabye not exactly cramy, I don't know. I've been sick with this cold, so I don't know if what I'm feeling is aftermath from the cold or something else. I've been coughing a lot, so maybe it's just my stomach muscles being sore from coughing? I just hate being so uncertain. If I could just see or hear the little heartbeat...

My Levels

Well my doctor's nurse finally decided to call me back today! My HCG level was 201 and my Progeserone was 9.8. She said the HCG looked good but the Progesterone was a little low. She called in a prescription for Progesterone (not the kind you take orally...if you ladies know what I mean) for me that I picked up this afternoon. The guy at the pharmacy said his wife went through several miscarriages and he almost swears by these things. Of course if it is not a good pregnancy then the progesterone won't matter, but if it is a good one and my body simply isn't producing enough, these should definitely help it. I have another blood test on Tuesday and they are looking for the numbers to have doubled about every 48 hrs. So... it's back to the waiting game.

Bad News Today.

I don't really know what to think right now. I didn't get to talk to the doctor today because he was out of town. The u/s tech told me that baby was measuring 6 weeks exactly (I should be 7+ weeks) but the sac was even less than that. She looked and looked but could not find a heartbeat - that's not good, considering he could at least see one at the last apt. So I don't get to talk to the doc until at least tomorrow. I know that it'll be bad news. I was bleeding a little last night and spotting today...and I know my body... I know what is coming, I can feel it. This is going to be so hard to deal with.

Well...

I guess nobody reads my blog... lol. I still haven't told all of my family members that I am pregnant, and apparently none of them read my blog or else they'd be calling to congradulate me...ha! Oh well.

I'm 6 weeks today!!! Only 3 more lonnnnng days until my first ultrasound. I'm so nervous about it....so so nervous. But I realize I have no conrol over my baby (to an extent) and just need to let it go into God's hands. It's so tough though!

Worried, probably for no reason

I have been a little worried today, but worrying does no good. It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't solve any problems, it just makes me sick to my stomach and feel crappy. I don't even know why I've been so worried! I have no bad signs that there is something wrong with baby. My boobs are still sore every once in a while, I still feel icky if I sit in the wrong position for too long, my lower back still aches a little bit when I sit down for too long. I've read that the "real" morning sickness doesn't really start until 6 weeks, which I will be on Sunday, but for whatever reason my crazy mind thinks I should be sick NOW. So.... I dunno. I'll just have to leave it in God's hands because it is totally out of my control. My ultrasound is not until April 30th, so I'll just have to wait until then.

It's gonna be a long 9 months!

Well, I have absolutely no idea who reads this, so hopefully I'm not sticking you with too big of a shocker!

I found out on the 10th that I am pregnant!!! I am so super excited. I didn't tell many people, even family, because I wanted to get some tests run first to see if it was good or not. I didn't really want to tell my work yet, because I know its an inconveniece for me to be on Light Duty, but I caved and got my doctor's
note and told them. I'd rather just play it safe at this point.

These are what they my HCG levels were:
* April 10th, 11 DPO, HCG = 22

* April 14th, 15 DPO, HCG = 98

* April 16th, 17 DPO, HCG = 236

(DPO = Days Past Ovulation)

If you don't know anything about HCG levels, those are good numbers! HCG is the basic pregnancy hormone , and right now should be doubling every 48 hrs or so. So those 3 tests looked good and the doctor wants to see me on April 30th for my first ultrasound, which I am very nervous about! He has put me on Progesterone, which is basically the hormone that helps sustain the pregnancy. I don't think I've had any bad side effects from it, but it's hard to differentiate them from my regular pregnancy symptoms.

So as of today I'm about 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. (yes, I found out VERY EARLY that I wad pregnant) Haven't had SUPER bad morning sickness yet, but I've read that it should start around 6 weeks -- yay! Haha. I have, however, had the super tiredness that comes wih pregnancy. It's like no tiredness you've ever felt, because it pretty much never goes away! But that should get better in my second trimester (Lord willing I make it that far). Right now, I wake up feeling sick (and that may be from the progesterone, I dunno) and I go to bed feeling a little sick. If I sit down for too long, I get crampy, but walking around fixes that quickly. If I stand up for too long, I feel dizzy, so sitting down helps. LOL! The joys of pregnancy. :)