MRIs

So I did miscarry not long after my last post, and I wasn't too far along, so it actually wasn't bad. I was scared to death of a natural miscarriage (because of my experience last time), but it wasn't too painful this time (thank God). There goes baby #5...ugh, it's just so hard to even think about.

I've had 2 MRIs of my uterus so far. The first one was a top view and the second was a side view, since the first view wasn't very helpful. My nurse spoke with the doctor and radiologist about the results and called me a few days ago. They initially thought it was "uterus didelphys", which is two completely separate uteri with 2 separate cervix. Well, I do have 2 cervix, but there is about a 2cm space on the very bottom of where the uteri are supposed to connect that is open. So that space is a "hostile environment" for any baby that tries to implant there, I guess from lack of nutrients and lack of room to grow. So that might very well be a cause of my incessent miscarrying. How sad that my own body is unsafe for the babies it makes.

So I'll be talking to the doctor on December 9th to see what we can do about this. She has talked about surgery, which scares the pee out of me. I guess it would entail sewing the uteri into one, or something like that. She said I would be off of work for 3 weeks and would not be able to even try to get pregnant for at least 3 months after it. Ugh...that just breaks my heart to think about, knowing for that 3+ lonnnng months, I won't even be able to have a chance at a pregnancy. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Lucky 24

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Why Did You Have To Leave?

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.


This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(

Hope to be better...

I took my last bit of antibiotics early early this morning, so maybe I will start to feel a lot better soon. I think they were making me dizzy, faint feeling, and nauseated...yuk. My uterus is still sore, it feels on my stomach like I've done about 600 crunches in the span of 4 minutes. So I'm still taking a little bit of the pain medication, but I have cut wayyyyyy down on it. I've been uncomfortably nauseated tonight, I don't know why. I wish it to go away though, I've got better things to do with my time then sit around the house feeling sick!! I hope to be feeling much better by my follow-up appointment on Friday.

1 Day Past Surgery

Mom spent the night last night, which was very peaceful. (I don't know that a girl ever stops needing her mom) Daryl went off to work half the day, so mom stayed with me, made me a yummy brunch, and took care of me for the morning and part of the afternoon. I have figured out (the hard way) that I DON'T like being alone right now, but I guess that can't be helped at certain times.

A day past surgery and I'm still quite miserable. I think the anesthesia has worn off now, for the most part, because I'm feeling quite a bit more pain than yesterday, and some intense cramping also. My throat hurts, probably from being intubated during surgery -- didn't feel it yesterday but I sure feel it today! My neck hurts quite a bit, for whatever reason. My stomach feels like someone has scraped out the insides of it... oh wait, that was my uterus, not stomach, but close enough. The throat hurting thing makes it fairly difficult to cry... every time the tears well up in my eyes, my throat starts throbbing. So crying is a lose-lose situation for me right now, though it hasn't stopped me from doing so many times today.

I'm sure I'm sounding like a miserable grump, but I just feel pretty darn miserable and down right now. I'm still taking the Vicoprofen for pain, the Methergine to "clamp" and expel anything left in my uterus(es), the antibiotic to keep my uterus(es) from getting infected, and the occasional anti-nausea medicine that I rub on my stomach or wrist. This Methergine is quite the evil pill, but I think it gets the job done.... I can't wait til I take my last dose in a day in a half! My digestive system isn't working very well right now, which definitely makes things slightly... uh...more uncomfortable.

I took a shower this evening, which briefly made me feel a little better. Then I looked in the mirror and wished I hadn't...ha! I still look like hell. I'd like to get a short hair cut sometime this week, but I'm not entirely certain what I want to do yet. So life is pretty miserable right now, but I'm hoping and praying that there are better days ahead. I'm supposed to return to work on Monday... I hope that I'll be up for it. Even if I'm not entirely, I think a change of scenery will be good for me.