Happy 12 weeks!

Well, I'm 12wks today, and its official... I'm totally and completely miserable. I'm certain the baby hates me. My stuffy nose will not go away; it now follows me wherever I go, 24/7. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and it makes it where I have to get up and walk around during the day (every 30 min or so) to even *try* to clear it up. And the prize I get from sneezing and blowing my nose so much is the area below my nose is rubbed raw. I can't even smile without my nose being extra stuffy and my poor cracked, dry lips (and the area above them) cracking even more. I sleep with my humidifier on and Vicks Vapo Rub under my nose, and I still wake up about 10 times a night for stuffy nose. Also my lips are terribly chapped and wont respond to anything. So if its not the nausea, its the stuffy nose. I feel like I've tried every sensible (pregnancy-safe) thing known to all womankind, but somehow, nothing works! I'm now resigned to just sit down and cry. So....baby is obviously having quite the joyous time making my life 1000% miserable. And if it wasn't so terribly unpleasant...it might actually be funny! Happy 12 weeks to me!!

It's Definitely Difficult

I have to say that being pregnant is not as easy as I thought it would be. Why didn't anyone tell me this?! I've been completely miserable almost since I found out [that I was pregnant] a couple of months ago. I know that every pregnancy and every woman is different, so hopefully my next pregnancy won't be as difficult.

At first, I was very very exhausted ALL of the time. I was constantly taking naps, going to bed early, waking up late, and still being tired. That seems to have almost subsided now that I'm 11 1/2 weeks (thank God!) I still get tired, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

The part that is getting to me now is the queasiness. It's just been one big fat queasy party right after the other, ever since I first found out I was pregnant. I wake up in the morning feeling a bit queasy and very hungry. If I don't immediately get something to eat, I go from "a bit queasy" to "excessively queasy". The problem right now is that I can't seem to find anything that I like to eat (that actually likes me). I'll go to restaurants with Daryl and order something, take a bite of it, and then figure out that , if I eat anymore, it is going to make me barf - so I spit the food out in a napkin (which is very lady-like, and I'm totally proud of myself for doing so). I also find myself scrounging around the kitchen for something to eat, and when I find it, it's usually very small - applesauce, saltines, graham crackers - and it helps to eat them, but only for about 10 minutes until my stomach starts growling again, thus helllllo queasy-time! It's a vicious, never-ending cycle. I don't think that even one day has passed that I have not been queasy. It has made for quite the miserable 2 months!!

On top of that, my allergies have been going completely haywire. I usually take allergy shots (they were a gift from heaven), but I stopped taking them around my 4th pregnancy (didn't want to risk hurting any of the babies, even though my allergy doctor assured me they were find) - and I have paid dearly for that! Now my allergies are completely kicking my butt, all of the time, everyday. Not a day has gone by that I don't sneeze about 100 times (I wish that were a joke or exaggeration!) Then I get a forever stuffy nose that refuses to go away. I even bought a $60 humidifier for my room, hoping that would help...and it so far has, ever so slightly, but not really enough to make a difference. I am currently addicted to that nose spray that I believe comes directly from the pit of hell - Phenylephrine HCL. But my mom tells me I came out of the womb with a stuffy nose, so I think, unfortunately, my stuffy nose is destined to follow me from the day that I was born until the day that I die. (However, it's usually not this bad!)

The queasiness and the stuffy nose are killing me! I am now consumed by envy of women who have terribly easy pregnancies.

Other (super fun) factors, such as peeing ALL of the time and having sore breasts, will probably get worse as the pregnancy progresses, but I don't hardly even notice them anymore, they've just become a part of my life. And the most fun part is crying about anything and everything. I cry while watching TV commercials, while watching TV shows, even while watching a calf and cow interact, and the list is endless! If you look at me wrong, I'm probably going to cry. Haha! Although I sometimes feel like a big dumbdumb, I can handle the crying part too.

Suffice it to say, I feel like this pregnancy has been quite rough on me. I'm not trying to complain (or maybe I am?), just stating the facts. I love this baby more than almost anything in the world and I get more and more excited about him/her every day. I don't know if there's anything in the world like the "1st" baby! (Not that I have forgotten any of my other babies, but I think you know what I am talking about.) Now that I'm almost to 12 weeks, I am begining to think this pregnancy might actually morph into a real live baby! I've guarded myself so intensely on becoming excited about it because I was so afraid of getting hurt. But now, after 4 ultrasounds, seeing the precious heartbeat 3 different times, and seeing him/her actually moving around in my womb, I'm head over heels in love and completely attached. So... THANK YOU to those who have been praying for me, and PLEASE keep on praying that our little miracle continues to grow and be healthy. (My next appointment is January 28th, BTW)

9wks 3days

So, I guess I'm finally going to admit that I'm pregnant. It hasn't exactly been a secret, but I haven't exactly come right out and told people about it. After 5 miscarriages, I really don't think I need to explain my reasoning behind that.

I found out I was pregnant on November 29th. I had an initial HCG test of 82 on December 1st (I was about 3wks 6days), which was a little bit low and led me to believe that this was not a good pregnancy. A week and a half later, I began spotting. I thought that for sure I was having a another dreaded miscarriage and had given up all hope. I had another HCG test done (on the day that my sister was giving birth, no less!) and it was 23,000! So I went in for an ultrasound on December 16th (6wks) and saw that, indeed, there still was a baby in there. I took it VERY easy for about a week and a half after that. I had another ultrasound on December 29th (7wks 6day) which showed the growing baby with a heartrate of 155!! And I had yet another ultrasound on January 5th (8wks 6day) which showed a growing baby with a heartrate of 171. The doctor says this is all well and good so far and he will monitor me very closely. Each time I go in, the ultrasound seems to fluctuate a day or two. The doctor assured me that at this stage, that is perfectly normal (even to fluctuate from up to plus or minus 3 days). As of now, my due date would be August 11th - 4 days after my 25th birthday!!

I know I should be very, very happy about this, and I am, in a way. I'm still just very cautious about it. It was incredible to see the baby with a beautiful beating heart two times, but I've been down that road before, and it led to my own severe heartbreak eventually. The more I see my baby, the more I fall in love with it. The more I love it, the more it will ache if the baby doesn't make it. I just want to be past the point in my pregnancy where I worry everyday....it's really wearing me out.

I have been nauseated, queasy, and extremely fatigued (not to mention other symptoms...) for weeks now. I haven't thrown up (yay!) but would probably feel better if I could. I will grin and bear it, only because I hope there is something better ahead! I have read the articles that say that once you see a good heartrate past 7 weeks, you are very, very likely not to miscarry. But I am still skeptical, because I have been there before already and did miscarry!

Insurance...

So I won't be going to that appointment tomorrow that I was supposed to have with my fertility doctor. Turns out, the insurance company is fighting with the doctor's office and is not wanting to pay anything, so the patients are having to pay out of pocket. I don't exactly want to pay $298 for a 20 min talk with the doctor. So I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I guess I'll keep fighting with the insurance company and see if there's any way they will pay for the visit. *sigh*

MRIs

So I did miscarry not long after my last post, and I wasn't too far along, so it actually wasn't bad. I was scared to death of a natural miscarriage (because of my experience last time), but it wasn't too painful this time (thank God). There goes baby #5...ugh, it's just so hard to even think about.

I've had 2 MRIs of my uterus so far. The first one was a top view and the second was a side view, since the first view wasn't very helpful. My nurse spoke with the doctor and radiologist about the results and called me a few days ago. They initially thought it was "uterus didelphys", which is two completely separate uteri with 2 separate cervix. Well, I do have 2 cervix, but there is about a 2cm space on the very bottom of where the uteri are supposed to connect that is open. So that space is a "hostile environment" for any baby that tries to implant there, I guess from lack of nutrients and lack of room to grow. So that might very well be a cause of my incessent miscarrying. How sad that my own body is unsafe for the babies it makes.

So I'll be talking to the doctor on December 9th to see what we can do about this. She has talked about surgery, which scares the pee out of me. I guess it would entail sewing the uteri into one, or something like that. She said I would be off of work for 3 weeks and would not be able to even try to get pregnant for at least 3 months after it. Ugh...that just breaks my heart to think about, knowing for that 3+ lonnnng months, I won't even be able to have a chance at a pregnancy. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.