Monday, December 8, 2008

Insurance...

So I won't be going to that appointment tomorrow that I was supposed to have with my fertility doctor. Turns out, the insurance company is fighting with the doctor's office and is not wanting to pay anything, so the patients are having to pay out of pocket. I don't exactly want to pay $298 for a 20 min talk with the doctor. So I don't know what I'm going to do right now. I guess I'll keep fighting with the insurance company and see if there's any way they will pay for the visit. *sigh*

Saturday, November 29, 2008

MRIs

So I did miscarry not long after my last post, and I wasn't too far along, so it actually wasn't bad. I was scared to death of a natural miscarriage (because of my experience last time), but it wasn't too painful this time (thank God). There goes baby #5...ugh, it's just so hard to even think about.

I've had 2 MRIs of my uterus so far. The first one was a top view and the second was a side view, since the first view wasn't very helpful. My nurse spoke with the doctor and radiologist about the results and called me a few days ago. They initially thought it was "uterus didelphys", which is two completely separate uteri with 2 separate cervix. Well, I do have 2 cervix, but there is about a 2cm space on the very bottom of where the uteri are supposed to connect that is open. So that space is a "hostile environment" for any baby that tries to implant there, I guess from lack of nutrients and lack of room to grow. So that might very well be a cause of my incessent miscarrying. How sad that my own body is unsafe for the babies it makes.

So I'll be talking to the doctor on December 9th to see what we can do about this. She has talked about surgery, which scares the pee out of me. I guess it would entail sewing the uteri into one, or something like that. She said I would be off of work for 3 weeks and would not be able to even try to get pregnant for at least 3 months after it. Ugh...that just breaks my heart to think about, knowing for that 3+ lonnnng months, I won't even be able to have a chance at a pregnancy. But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Friday, October 31, 2008

:o(

My HCG was down to 15 on Thursday, so obviously I will not be having a baby this time. *sigh*

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Waiting Game.... I love it!

Well, shows you what I know! The nurse called me back and told me that my HCG was 24 and was a "good number" and my Progesterone was 26 and was a very good number. I'm started on the progesterone supplements anyway, just in case. I'm getting vampired again on Thursday. I'm still feeling a bit pessemistic, but it is out of my hands, I know.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Vampires

I got vampired today. The doctor insists that she follow my HCG levels, so I guess you can disregard the previous blog (so much for my soapbox). I don't get the results back until tomorrow but I really don't think they will be good. It's not just my eternal pessimism coming through, either!! And don't tell me "it'll be ok" or "just relax"...I think sometimes you just "know"...and trust me, I know. *sigh*

Sunday, October 26, 2008

No Tests, Please

I'm gonna call my doctor tomorrow and see what she wants me to do, if she wants to do anything different this time. I know that, if I have a choice, I dont want to do the quantitative HCG tests like I did the last 3 times. It basically goes like this: I get vampired at the doctor, I wait with nauseaus butterflies in my stomach for a day or two, I get the results, I obsess over whether they are good or bad, then I wait nauseously again for the test in 48hrs, I get vampired, wait for results, and spend too many hours crying and obsessing over them again. Its a completely vicious cycle! I can't see what good it does, beside make me an nervous, anxious mess. I'm gonna be nervous and anxious enough as it is, I dont need it compounded by the numbers obsession. So, if my doctor doesn't mind, I won't get the HCG level tests. I'll wait until at least the 7th week (which should be in 3 weeks) to get my first ultrasound also (which should be ample time to see the heartbeat, if there is one). If the baby is going to die, there is (heartbreakingly) nothing I can do about it, I don't need to worry myself to death in the mean time. (I guess I'll have to wait to see what the doctor says about that though!)

P.S. It still doesn't seem real to me... after 1 Equate preg test and 1 Clearblue Easy Digital yesterday, both of which clearly said "PREGNANT", I still can't convince myself. I feel like I could wake up any minute and this all be a dream! Ugh. I'm ready for the barfy, 24/7 morning sickness! With every pregnancy the moment I stopped feeling sick was when the baby died... ugh. (now do you see why I can't help but obsess???)

It feels like a dream...

It feels like I'm living in a dream... I feel like, at any minute, I could snap out of it and wake up. I really didn't think I would get pregnant this cycle. I was ovulating around the time that I had my MRI with the Versed (a drug to relax me because MRIs scare the poo out of me). I didn't think I would get pregnant and I hope that didn't somehow hurt the baby.

I'm gonna try to do everything right this time... not eat anything "bad", take my vitamins every single day, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, etc. I know these are small potatoes and probably won't amount to much, but I just want to make SURE that I do everything I can.

This pregnancy feels so weird...it almost doesn't even feel real. I didn't (preg) test yesterday because I thought I was pregnant (because I really didn't think I was), I tested because I have a testing obsession!! Every month I waste probably 6 or 7 pregnancy tests because I just *know* I'm totally pregnant....but I'm not. But on the months where I just *know* I'm not pregnant...that's when I'm actually pregnant. It has happened that way every single pregnancy!

I don't have any real symptoms yet. I won't even be 4 weeks until at least tomorrow. I have had a little bit sore boobs, some heartburn, and a lot of tiredness, but not a whole lot else.

I don't really have any hope (of having a baby) left. I mean, after having had 4 miscarriages (3 of which have been in 2008), can you really blame me?

So since you're reading this...will you have hope for me?

Monday, September 1, 2008

1 Month

I just saw my ticker box and realized that it has been 1 month ago today. 1 month since I started bleeding and knew that that pregnancy was over. I can't believe it has been that long. In some ways, it seems like just yesterday. Funny that I finally feel like I'm getting back to "normal" (whatever that is). But this is part of the reason why a miscarriage is so dreaded... you see it coming and you know your life will never be the same again, and you also know that for at least a month after that you will be miserable and feel crappy and just not be "you". Funny also that I've been telling myself for an entire month now that I'm not thinking about it and I don't want to think about the road up ahead. I'm too scared and it stresses me out severely. I don't really know what to do at this point. I know I can't go on like this forever... I have to think about what is next. But I also don't know how many miscarriages and D&Cs a uterus can take before it just completely gives out. *sigh*

Monday, August 11, 2008

It aches... my heart aches.

Now that the "happy meds" are wearing off...I miss you. I miss you so much. I can still see the pitter patter of your precious little heart beating on the monitor of my ultrasound... it haunts me every single day. I still have the ultrasound pictures from the 3 precious times I got to see you, and I look at them often. You were so tiny but I was so in love with you...I would have treated you so well. I would have loved on you and kissed you a thousand times a day... I have so much love to give! I would have taught you the ways of life and taken you to church and taught you about Jesus and God and this whole cruel world, and cherished every moment I had with you. I would have watched you be heald by and loved on by your daddy, and nothing would have made me more proud.

But I didn't get the chance... you were taken too soon.

Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It was different between you and my last 2. I actually got to see you develop a little... I got to see the beating of your heart, I felt a bit of hope inside, like you might actually make it, that you and I both would have lived to hold you in my arms. But now I feel so empty without you. My heart aches every minute of every day. I know it is selfish of me, but I wish you didn't have to leave me. I love you so much.

P.S. Birthday #24 came and went, and I was so doped up that I barely had any idea what was going on. Hubby made me a wonderful lunch and dinner (breakfast was warm pop tarts in bed, yummmmo) and got me a fantastic gift that I can't wait to play with -- words cannot even describe how good he is to me. I slept probably 3/4ths of the day, and before I knew it, the day was gone.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Lucky 24

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Why Did You Have To Leave?

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.


This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Diet Coke

I really want a Diet Coke. (I really would like a Whiskey Sour too, but that's obviously completely out of the question!) I don't ever drink Diet Coke, I don't drink "diet" anything, ick! Well..until my body was invaded by this little guy (that's right, I'm about 95% sure it's a boy), but I don't mind! He makes me nauseated in the evening times and smell everything that normal people should not smell. My boobs also have been hurting insanely mad tonight. But it's ok... I love him with all of my heart....well, the pieces of my heart that I have left; the pieces that were ripped out and shipped off to heaven with my other 3 babies will never be returned to me.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Ultrasound...still not out of the water yet.

I had my ultrasound appointment today, but it didn't go quite the way that I had hoped it would. Sure, I got some good news, but it was coupled with some potentially bad or warning-type news.

I thought I would be elated about seeing the heartbeat, but I just couldn't help thinking about all the bad things that could still go wrong. The heartbeat measured around 125bpm, which my doctor said was good. But the potential bad news is that she said the yolk sac looked a little bigger than normal. She said that she does not normally tell women (who have had good pregnancies and are not generally at risk for miscarriage) that because it does not always indicate a problem but it sometimes can.

With my first baby, I can still see the ultrasound pic in my head. I believe that one had a bit of a larger sac also. I think the first heartrate we measured was at 125 and the second was at 140, and then you all know the story of what happened after that...so I just can't help but having flash-backs of that and being a bit panicy that this might turn out to be exactly the same. I was so terribly crushed with my first miscarriage, I think because I was so far along and I had seen the baby several times and was just completely attached to him. I don't know if I can go through that again, honestly.

So I am back at the waiting game...tick, tock, what will tomorrow hold?

The first pic is my ultrasound pic from last week, and I guess I was about 5wks 2 days here. (my due date has changed). It's transvaginal but is really still too small to see anything (I thought I was farther than I really was.)





This pic is the one from today, baby measured at 6wks 2 days. You still can't see much, but I could definitely see the heart beating when she was doing the ultrasound.


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Headed Home...

So I'm presently sitting at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale, waiting to fly to Houston so that I can fly home to Tulsa. I've been feeling a bit nauseated lately, and I welcome it with open arms. (I know, I'm such a freak!) Every little kiddo I pass by just makes me well up with tears... I want this baby so bad, I want to be a mother, I want my husband to have the chance to be a father. I'm nervous about my ultrasound on Monday but am trying not to think about it. Please pray for me if you get the chance!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Signs

I know I said I dont believe in signs (i.e. pregnancy symptoms being good signs that the pregnancy is good), and I still dont. But I think I've been having some pretty good symptoms. My boobs hurt like crazy yesterday and hurt off and on today. I was feeling icky yesterday and a little today. I took a long nap today because I was just too tired to do anything else.

Did I mention I'm in Florida on one of hubby's business trips? Its SO beautiful here. I was born here!! (I just haven't been back since mom moved us to Oklahoma when I was still very little.) I'm kinda glad I have something to keep my mind occupied till the dreaded 2nd ultrasound on this coming Monday. Sucks though that there is all sorts of free alcohol and good drinks around where I am but I can't partake. Also there are gobs of cute bars and places to sit outside with a night cap, but like a boring old woman, I just go back to my room and sleep. But I can accept that, even with a smile on my face, if it means that I trade it for a healthy baby. Please keep praying for me!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Still Confused

Ok, I'm still confused. I had my ultrasound today. He saw a yolk sac and gestational sac but couldnt really see a baby or heartbeat. I'm supposed to go back in for another one in a week. He'll be looking for growth, and by that time he should be able to see a baby or heartbeat. He said it was possible that I ovulated later in my cycle and I'm not as far along as I thought. So... I don't know what to think. It's back at the waiting game for me. This sucks. I don't know how much more of this I can take!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Uncertainty

Not really feeling pregnant. I'm kinda dreading Monday's ultrasound. I've been feeling almost a little crampy... or mabye not exactly cramy, I don't know. I've been sick with this cold, so I don't know if what I'm feeling is aftermath from the cold or something else. I've been coughing a lot, so maybe it's just my stomach muscles being sore from coughing? I just hate being so uncertain. If I could just see or hear the little heartbeat...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Test Today

Well I'm a little confused... my HCG today was 821. I thought that was a little low (should have been closer to 1000) but she said it was "rising nicely" and some peoplel's levels rise differently. So I'm on pins and needles again until Monday, my first ultrasound. I'm trying not to get excited because I know how my last 3 pregnancies turned out. So I'm basically just waiting til I get farther along to see if this baby will make it or not. Ugh.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Nervous...

I'm just so anxious and nervous about my blood test tomorrow. I've had most of the regular pregnancy symptoms: very VERY sore boobs, extremely tired, and super-nose. Also have had the ones I've had with all of my pregnancies: itchy skin (mainly boobs and stomach), and breathlessness all of the time. But pregnancy symptoms mean nothing to me. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what my HCG levels show. If my calcultions are correct, it should be between 1100 - 1600... ugh, I'm so nervous...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

My Levels

Well my doctor's nurse finally decided to call me back today! My HCG level was 201 and my Progeserone was 9.8. She said the HCG looked good but the Progesterone was a little low. She called in a prescription for Progesterone (not the kind you take orally...if you ladies know what I mean) for me that I picked up this afternoon. The guy at the pharmacy said his wife went through several miscarriages and he almost swears by these things. Of course if it is not a good pregnancy then the progesterone won't matter, but if it is a good one and my body simply isn't producing enough, these should definitely help it. I have another blood test on Tuesday and they are looking for the numbers to have doubled about every 48 hrs. So... it's back to the waiting game.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Crampy?

Feeling a little crampy tonight. I can't really tell if it's crampy or something else. I've had this cold (or sinus infection or ear infection or whatever the heck this is!), so I've had drainage and stuffy and runny nose, sneezing, stuffy ears, scratchy and sore throat, etc for the past 2 days now. So I've had drainage running down into my stomach, maybe that's making me feel this way? My boobs have been so sore tonight and I've been so very tired, but I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. So...I dunno. I guess I wait and see what the doctor says tomorrow about my HCG and Progesterone levels, if they are good or not. Ugh...it's like this is a game or something, but I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to lose!! Then if the levels were actually good, there would be the dreaded waiting for an ultrasound... ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Stuck In The Middle...

Not really feeling pregnant today. I have a cold (or sinus infection or something icky like that) that I have had for 3 days now....ugh, go away! I'm very tired and my boobs hurt on and off. When my nose isn't super stuffy like it is right now, I can smell VERY well, which is definitely a pregnancy symptom. Other than that, I'm not feeling much like a pregnant woman! I'm trying not to go on what I feel though, because I had signs and symptoms and morning sickness with the last 3 pregnancies and we all know the story of where those got me.

I had blood drawn today, they were checking my HCG and Progesterone levels. I should be 5 weeks today. THEY NEVER CALLED ME BACK!! Wah!!!! I waited paitently all afternoon, especially since they said they were going to call me after 3....but they never called. I feel like I've been stood up! It wasn't fair and I'm kinda pissed about it. :( So what can I do about it? I guess I'm just going to have to wait until the morning. Part of me thinks, "it was really bad news and they just didn't want to tell me, so they didn't call me back". And another part of me thinks, "it was so good that they felt they didn't need to call me!". Ugh! So now I'm back on the emotional roller coaster of "is the pregnancy good? am I going to miscarry? is it a healthy baby?"...arghhhh!!!!! I hate being stuck between a rock and a hard place like this.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

A 4th time (sorry this is a few days late)




Ok, so maybe the 4th time is the charm? I found out on July 3rd that I am pregnant (again). It came as quite a surprise to me, as I didn't think that the timing was right for us this month! Finding out on vacation that I'm pregnant was quite the surprise... needless to say I had to change my diet a bit, LOL! It was kinda funny... I was feeling a little weird, being able to smell things like super woman, spotting just a little bit (I'd expected my time of the month to come on vacation) with no cramps (which was odd, because I usually get cramps from hell), and just feeling a little off. I didn't want to get Daryl's hopes up, so we made a quick trip to Wal-Mart and I got a pee test. At our next stop, I just couldn't wait any longer, so I went into the bathroom at the Indian Museam we were looking at and took it. (haha!!) I was SHOCKED when, after about a minute a faint faint line started to show. I thought it was just an evaporation line at first, but after about 3 minutes it was pretty clear. WOW!!!!! I didn't expect that at all. So after picking my jaw up off the floor, I quietly went out of the bathroom, stick in hand (wrapped up in a paper towel), and found Daryl. With my wide eyes and goofy smile, I said "we need to talk", and handed him the stick. He was very very excited, to say the least. :)

Anyway...don't laugh at me, but I carried the stick around with me in my purse for about 3 days and pulled it out and looked at it every once in a while. Gosh I didn't think I was attached to this pregnancy yet, but now that I read what I just wrote, I think I already am. The picture above was taken on the second day (in the car), so sorry it was all blurry.

Friday, June 6, 2008

4 Weeks Ago...

It has been 4 weeks and 1 day since my surgery. My "monthly bill" (haha) decided to come back today....with a vengeance! I knew that would happen that way, it's just part of my body trying to get back to normal. Ugh...no matter what kind of painkiller I take, the cramps are still strong. And like true cramps, they come and go as they darn well please. I hate how much of a toll a miscarriage takes on a woman's body, but there is really nothing I can do about it but grin and bear it, and know there are brighter days ahead.

I've been trying hard not to think about my situation. I don't know where it is going to go from here. I don't know if I'll have to endure more awful miscarriages, or if I can even ever have a healthy baby. I don't know how many more miscarriages I can endure! I'd like to think of myself as a strong woman, but I really don't think I am. I feared that I would fall apart after this last miscarriage, but so far I think I have managed to keep it together.

However, lately I have found it very, very hard to look at or be around pregnant women. I most certainly can't be around newborns, but children over a year don't seem to bother me. My best friend's son, who is 2 1/2, is such a doll and I loooooove spending time with him. I feel so special when he wants to sit with me or have me read him a book. I can't help but love on him and give him kisses. (That sounds creepy, but I promise you, it's not!) Same for my 3 1/2 year old niece. I love love love being around her and feel so loved when she wants to be around me. But babies under a year old make me so very sad. Looking at pictures of them or seeing them in person just make me want to violently cry, so I really try to keep my distance. It's nothing about specific babies, per sa, I guess it's just the concept of a baby. I want a baby of my own so badly that it just literally hurts. I ache inside. I want a little baby who looks like daddy but needs me more than anything in the world. I would love my child so very much!!

I love love love my 2 bestest friends (yes...I only have 2 friends, ha!) and love being around them. Haven't spent much time with them lately because we've all been busy. Spending time with them helps keep my mind off of my sorrow and relax me. I know I can be "myself" around them and they don't care. I think part of the healing process is being around people who love and care about you, and you do the same for them. I'm still at the beginning of the healing process.... I know it's going to be a long journey.

I don't understand life sometimes or why things happen the way they do, and I know I'm not meant to. Sometime I wish I could see what was up ahead for me, but I suppose that is what faith is all about...you have to believe it even though you have no proof it will happen.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hope to be better...

I took my last bit of antibiotics early early this morning, so maybe I will start to feel a lot better soon. I think they were making me dizzy, faint feeling, and nauseated...yuk. My uterus is still sore, it feels on my stomach like I've done about 600 crunches in the span of 4 minutes. So I'm still taking a little bit of the pain medication, but I have cut wayyyyyy down on it. I've been uncomfortably nauseated tonight, I don't know why. I wish it to go away though, I've got better things to do with my time then sit around the house feeling sick!! I hope to be feeling much better by my follow-up appointment on Friday.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Bleh.


I'm still "under the influence" of all of my medications. I'll be SO glad when I can get off of the Methergine. I guess I'm still pretty out of it. I went outside today for a brief 5 minutes or so to take some pictures -- I needed a change of scenery from where I have been for the past 3 days, which is sitting in my living room in front of the TV or in bed. I took about 30 pictures...some of flowers, and quite a few of the fox neighbor outside. I knew that a few of them would not turn out well.. but when I got inside and looked at them, there were only TWO pictures that were even slightly ok. So I must still be very out of it

I can't help but think, maybe I'm just not meant to be a mommy? I know I'm selfish... I think of myself more than others most of the time. What's best for me, how will that affect me, how can I make life better for me, this inconveniences me, I don't feel like it, etc. It seems to always be about me. You can't be selfish and be a mommy. So maybe I'm just too selfish to be a mommy... I don't know. I just know that my heart hurts and that Mother's Day is really going to hurt. I wish I could sleep the entire day away, but I have to go back to work the next day and I need to snap out of it. I know that my mom will be hurt if I don't see her, and I want Daryl to be able to spend it with his mom too. So my mom is going to come over and help Daryl fix some lunch for me, Daryl, mom, and Daryl's parents, while I relax on the couch. I know it's not a very good hostess of me, but I can't help that I just had surgery! I can't go out anywhere, because I am on sick time at work, and I don't FEEL like going out anywhere anyway. Bleh.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

1 Day Past Surgery

Mom spent the night last night, which was very peaceful. (I don't know that a girl ever stops needing her mom) Daryl went off to work half the day, so mom stayed with me, made me a yummy brunch, and took care of me for the morning and part of the afternoon. I have figured out (the hard way) that I DON'T like being alone right now, but I guess that can't be helped at certain times.

A day past surgery and I'm still quite miserable. I think the anesthesia has worn off now, for the most part, because I'm feeling quite a bit more pain than yesterday, and some intense cramping also. My throat hurts, probably from being intubated during surgery -- didn't feel it yesterday but I sure feel it today! My neck hurts quite a bit, for whatever reason. My stomach feels like someone has scraped out the insides of it... oh wait, that was my uterus, not stomach, but close enough. The throat hurting thing makes it fairly difficult to cry... every time the tears well up in my eyes, my throat starts throbbing. So crying is a lose-lose situation for me right now, though it hasn't stopped me from doing so many times today.

I'm sure I'm sounding like a miserable grump, but I just feel pretty darn miserable and down right now. I'm still taking the Vicoprofen for pain, the Methergine to "clamp" and expel anything left in my uterus(es), the antibiotic to keep my uterus(es) from getting infected, and the occasional anti-nausea medicine that I rub on my stomach or wrist. This Methergine is quite the evil pill, but I think it gets the job done.... I can't wait til I take my last dose in a day in a half! My digestive system isn't working very well right now, which definitely makes things slightly... uh...more uncomfortable.

I took a shower this evening, which briefly made me feel a little better. Then I looked in the mirror and wished I hadn't...ha! I still look like hell. I'd like to get a short hair cut sometime this week, but I'm not entirely certain what I want to do yet. So life is pretty miserable right now, but I'm hoping and praying that there are better days ahead. I'm supposed to return to work on Monday... I hope that I'll be up for it. Even if I'm not entirely, I think a change of scenery will be good for me.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Post Surgery

Surgery went well. I waited for 2 hours in my surgery waiting area before they finally took me in, but it went pretty fast from there. My mom, sis, and hubby were there with me. It was nice because they made the time go by fast.

They took me into the OR and I got to talk to my doctor for a few minutes. He was very kind and helpful... I'm very sad that he will be moving his practice to Texas in a couple weeks! It's hard to find a really good doctor these days. The put my arms down on little "arm rests" on the surgery table, and covered them with a warm blanket. They placed the "oxygen mask" -- "this is just oxygen, I swear!" -- over my mouth and nose, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up FREEZING in the recovery room. After I shivered for a few minutes, the nurse came to me and covered me with several warm blankets (below the ones I already had). I don't know how long I was in there for, but they sent me to the family recovery waiting room after that. The first thing I remember is my mom saying "he got enough specimen/baby for the chromosomal testing!". I was very excited about that, because that's part of the reason I wanted the D&C and not the natural way this time. I was a little worried that he might not be able to get anything to test, because I had already started bleeding a little before the surgery. The results should be back in 3 - 5 weeks. I'll try not to think about it so it will go faster. I hope that my baby didn't have the same chromosomal disorder as the first one did, which was Trisomy 15. I don't think that is the case though, because this baby died 2 - 3 weeks before my first one did. My mom thinks this baby might have had a Trisomy disorder too, but we won't know until we get the results back. If so, that's probably going to be very bad news, because I don't know what we will be able to do about it, nor if we will ever be able to have a healthy baby. I want some answers but I know they will not come quickly.

I have been dead to the world out of it most of the day. I felt pretty good leaving the hospital around 1:00pm, but on the way home from the hospital, I started feel very queasy. When hubby dropped by the store to pick up cat litter and Ginger Ale for me, I thought I was going to pass out from being so nauseated. I called the doctor and he called in a script for me to pick up at the drugstore. I crawled into the back seat of the Toyota to lay down, and waited for hubby to get back. He came back in a couple of minutes and took me the rest of the way home. I practically ran to the bedroom where I could lay down. I took some pain meds, the Methergine (the same meds I took last time to clamp down the uterus and get out any leftover tissue), and waited for hubby to get back with my anti-nausea medication. Laying down helped the nausea significantly, so I was ok until Daryl got back with the medication. I laid down for a good 5 hours. I've been taking the medication my doctor gave me -- methergine (I'll take it for 3 whole days, I like to call it the medication that GIVES me great pain, LOL), vicoprofen (for the pain...ugh, there's lots of it), and the antibiotic (so my uterus doesn't get infected, that I take for 5 days.)

Mom came over and made my favorite dinner!! Mashed Potato Casserole -- I haven't had that in years. Yahoo! It was yummolicious, and helped me to feel a little bit better just by getting some food on my tummy. She's done my dishes and just been around to help me out and give me moral support. I love my mommy!! Hubby is here too, and holds me when I cry in bed at night and give me so much good moral support, but there is nothing like a mother's love.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Surgery

D&C tomorrow at 0930. I'm a little nervous about it but not too bad. I'm just ready for it to be over. I think (hope) this will help me emotionally... this way I don't have to agonize over every trip to the bathroom, or think too much about what happened/is happening. If possible, they are going to send the baby off to the lab for genetic testing.... I'm hoping that can give me answers on why I keep miscarrying. Then maybe we can find a solution to it and be able to actually have a healthy pregnancy. I'm not happy about this, but there is obviously nothing I can do. I've been balling my eyes out every chance I get. I don't know why the third miscarriage is hitting me so hard..maybe because I had so many plans and hopes and dreams for this baby. I really thought this baby would make it, but I guess I was wrong.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Bad News Today.

I don't really know what to think right now. I didn't get to talk to the doctor today because he was out of town. The u/s tech told me that baby was measuring 6 weeks exactly (I should be 7+ weeks) but the sac was even less than that. She looked and looked but could not find a heartbeat - that's not good, considering he could at least see one at the last apt. So I don't get to talk to the doc until at least tomorrow. I know that it'll be bad news. I was bleeding a little last night and spotting today...and I know my body... I know what is coming, I can feel it. This is going to be so hard to deal with.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Little Confused...

Well I really can't tell if my doctor's appointment was good or bad today. In fact, I was so confused when I walked out and went to my car that I went back into the doctor's office to ask them to explain a little more. Don't get me wrong, I love my doctor (which sucks because he's moving to Texas after next week!), but I just left feeling confused and needed a little bit of explanation (which he gladly gave).

My ultrasound lasted for a long time, probably about 15 or 20 minutes (and was quite uncomfortable, let me tell you!). The doctor had a hard time differentiating between what was actually "baby" and what was part of the gestational sac. It truthfully looks like a little blob right now -- which doesn't bother me, because I know that it is a baby, not just a "blob". There was a faint heartbeat that could be barely seen, but measured (after tediously trying to find it) at less than 100 beats -- no exact number was known.

The doctor said that he was, at this point, "cautiously optimistic". He talked about back when I had my first HCG test, and my HCG number was 22, it looked pretty "dicey" but looked much better in the next few days when it was rising like it was supposed to. ((see previous blogs if you are confused here)) He said this could also be a case like that, where we would just need to watch for change at my next ultrasound (which is on Monday) and go from there.

The bottom line is that I'm obviously pregnant -- my boobs hurt, I'm super duper tired ALL of the time, I like foods that I don't normally like (chili and mint patties), I can't sit down for long without feeling blahhh, and I'm not feeling 100%. I can see at least SOMETHING in the gestational sac and that SOMETHING has a heartbeat....be it a not very strong heartbeat, at least not yet.

Now it's just a waiting game until Monday... I'm just praying that they can easily find a strong heartbeat and that they can measure baby and that baby is growing like (s)he is supposed to. I don't know if I can make it through a third miscarriage... Ugh.... I hhhhhate the waiting game!!!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Well...

I guess nobody reads my blog... lol. I still haven't told all of my family members that I am pregnant, and apparently none of them read my blog or else they'd be calling to congradulate me...ha! Oh well.

I'm 6 weeks today!!! Only 3 more lonnnnng days until my first ultrasound. I'm so nervous about it....so so nervous. But I realize I have no conrol over my baby (to an extent) and just need to let it go into God's hands. It's so tough though!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Doing Better... I think?

A few days ago when I got home from work I had cottage cheese, pineapples, pickles, olives, pickled okra, a pepper, and chocolate. Yum!

From my calculations right now, I should be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant today. I'm feeling better today, mainly because I'm feeling worse (like that made any sense.) But I know I'm still not over the hump, if I ever will be! I know also that even if I have morning sickness symptoms, it doesn't mean the pregnancy is healthy (yes, I know that from experience.) I am certainly having pregnancy symptoms -- sore boobs, major heartburn, tiredness, sluggishness, sick to my stomach a lot-- to say the least. And to think, actual "morning sickness" hasn't even started! But I'll just keep on praying and keep on being careful with what I do and eat, and just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Worried, probably for no reason

I have been a little worried today, but worrying does no good. It doesn't fix anything, it doesn't solve any problems, it just makes me sick to my stomach and feel crappy. I don't even know why I've been so worried! I have no bad signs that there is something wrong with baby. My boobs are still sore every once in a while, I still feel icky if I sit in the wrong position for too long, my lower back still aches a little bit when I sit down for too long. I've read that the "real" morning sickness doesn't really start until 6 weeks, which I will be on Sunday, but for whatever reason my crazy mind thinks I should be sick NOW. So.... I dunno. I'll just have to leave it in God's hands because it is totally out of my control. My ultrasound is not until April 30th, so I'll just have to wait until then.

Monday, April 21, 2008

It's gonna be a long 9 months!

Well, I have absolutely no idea who reads this, so hopefully I'm not sticking you with too big of a shocker!

I found out on the 10th that I am pregnant!!! I am so super excited. I didn't tell many people, even family, because I wanted to get some tests run first to see if it was good or not. I didn't really want to tell my work yet, because I know its an inconveniece for me to be on Light Duty, but I caved and got my doctor's
note and told them. I'd rather just play it safe at this point.

These are what they my HCG levels were:
* April 10th, 11 DPO, HCG = 22

* April 14th, 15 DPO, HCG = 98

* April 16th, 17 DPO, HCG = 236

(DPO = Days Past Ovulation)

If you don't know anything about HCG levels, those are good numbers! HCG is the basic pregnancy hormone , and right now should be doubling every 48 hrs or so. So those 3 tests looked good and the doctor wants to see me on April 30th for my first ultrasound, which I am very nervous about! He has put me on Progesterone, which is basically the hormone that helps sustain the pregnancy. I don't think I've had any bad side effects from it, but it's hard to differentiate them from my regular pregnancy symptoms.

So as of today I'm about 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. (yes, I found out VERY EARLY that I wad pregnant) Haven't had SUPER bad morning sickness yet, but I've read that it should start around 6 weeks -- yay! Haha. I have, however, had the super tiredness that comes wih pregnancy. It's like no tiredness you've ever felt, because it pretty much never goes away! But that should get better in my second trimester (Lord willing I make it that far). Right now, I wake up feeling sick (and that may be from the progesterone, I dunno) and I go to bed feeling a little sick. If I sit down for too long, I get crampy, but walking around fixes that quickly. If I stand up for too long, I feel dizzy, so sitting down helps. LOL! The joys of pregnancy. :)

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Tired and .... more tired.

Ever since my miscarriage I've been kinda BLAHHHH. I guess I'm stuck in this rut and am not sure how to get out of it. I'm tired ALL of the time and am cranky a lot. I wake up tired, I go to bed tired, and am so tired during the day that I all I can think about is the end of the day when I can crawl into bed. I've found myself lost in conversations with other people and yet I have NO idea what the conversation is about because I am lost somewhere in la-la land. And somewhere along the line, my self-image has gone down the drain, because when I look in the mirror I just feel fat and ugly and I don't like the person staring back at me.

I just wish I knew how to get out of this rut and be back to "normal". It's been 2 weeks since my miscarriage "completed". I've heard that it can take between 4 - 6 weeks for your body to get back to normal. I can't even remember what it was like in 2006 after the first few weeks of my first m/c, it was all just a big blur. When I saw the doctor last week he said the tiredness was pretty normal and I shouldn't worry about it. He took a blood test and it showed that my HCG levels were at 10, and they should be at 2 or below, so I have to go in next week to have them re-checked. I just want to get back to normal!! But I don't even know what "normal" is. When I allow myself to feel anything, I get this pain in my gut and I just feel like a part of me has died....and that hurts more than anything in the world. I just don't want to think about it, I just want to be normal again...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Not Thinking About It

I guess my way of dealing with my miscarriage has been to not think about it. When people tell me they are very sorry for my loss (or however they may word it), it makes me tear up. When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them the truth -- I'm not thinking about it. I can deal with it if I don't think about it. Or, is that not dealing with it? I really don't know. But if I allow myself even a minute of thinking about it... or longingly look at a picture of a newborn.... or look too long at a pregnant woman... or think about what my life would have been like in late August when my baby was due, just a couple of weeks after my 24th birthday... or think about how great of a daddy Daryl would be... or think of how great it would have been to come home from work and find a baby sleeping in the crib, and how tiring but good it would have been to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed my precious little baby... I start to tear up again, and if I don't look away or stop thinking about it, I'll just ball endlessly until I have no more tears. So I cannot allow myself that luxury. Which goes back to my first point... I'm just not thinking about it. I wonder, is that healthy?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Too Much To Ask?

I have to admit that I feel like a total lazy bum. I got probably 11 hours of sleep today (always interrupted, of course). I got up and took a shower, then went and got my eyebrows waxed and got a few groceries. I then came home, took a little nap, and fixed dinner for me and Daryl. I haven't done much around the house besides cook and do dishes, and I feel soooo lazy. Today is my last day of the Methergine, and I am so very glad about that. I hope that tomorrow my body can start getting back to normal. I'm so sick of this constant cramping, stomach pain, and horrid bleeding. I'm sick of this pain medication that makes me feel drunk and super tired. I'm sick of the stuff nose and other side effects (especially the constant munchies) of all of these medications. I tried so hard today to NOT take the pain meds, but I was so miserable around 1730hrs that I ended up giving in. I'm ready to start my life back again and get back into the game of trying to get pregnant again. Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Wrapping up the night.








Today was not too bad. I stayed home from work so that I could try to recover more and because I hate being medicated at work. I was entirely unproductive the entire day. I don't know my "recovery" is going well or not! I can't even see an end in sight yet. I've been eating everything in sight -- I'm thinking that's probably a side effect of one (of the many) medications I am currently taking. I am so uncomfortable and in pain most of the day. Ugh. I'm just ready for this to be over and to resume normal life. Yes, we're going to try to get pregnant again when the doctor tells us we can. But I can't even think about it until my miscarriage is complete. :( Well, on that depressing note, I'm going to bed.

Today's Problems

Today I am back on only 1 dose of Vicoprofen and I am hoping that I don't get the side side effects that I did when I doubled up on it. I'm doing ok so far, even though I feel a little drunk from all of this medication I have been taking.

Here is my problem: I had *one* time that I cried about it, and that was at work when I burst into sobs and sobbed for about an hour -- that was Tuesday of last week. It was pretty bad. Ever since I found out that I would be miscarrying and started miscarrying, I have been on pain medications. The cramping has been VERY bad, bad enough that OTC medications (ibuprofen, for instance) do not even come close to helping. For me, prescription pain medications make me very happy. They make me feel like I am walking on clouds, everything is funny, and I love everything and everyone, no matter how rude or mean they have ever been to me. So I have not really had the chance to even think about what is going on with my body. I have not had the chance to grieve my loss, or try to start to move on, or get over it. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when my medications wear off! I don't want to be miserable or depressed but I know that is probably what is coming. :(

On top of this, everyone else is having problems right now too. One of my best friends is really struggling with her hubby being gone to Iraq, my other best friend is sick all of the time and taking care of 2 babies in diapers, and my sister is having problems of her own. I want to help everybody but I don't know how!!! I wish I had the solution to everyone's problems. Hopefully it helps that I can listen to them talk, but I feel badly that I can't do anything to solve their problems. :(

My horrible day and night

Well, here we go. This is more of a personal rant, and I don't expect anyone to read this, nor do I expect anyone to reply. It has ALWAYS helped me to get my feelings out by writing them, so this is more of a personal journal.

I had some problems over the weekend (bleeding a lot and having mega cramps). I had taken some mild (yet still narcotic) pain killers, but even with them, I was still feeling heavy cramping -- all of this while I was at work. So I called my doctor early Monday to see how we could solve this problem. He examined me and did an ultrasound. He found that it looked like I had passed the gestational sac but there was still lots of tissue and stuff in my uterus that needed to come out for me to be back to normal. He gave me 2 options:

1) Have a D&C. It's a surgery, so there are always risks of going under anesthesia and also risks of possibly damaging my uterine organs since it is such a delicate procedure. The only GOOD part is that everything would be over quicker and this constant bleeding and cramping would not last much longer, and I could finally grieve and start to move on.

2) Take a medication called "Methergine" that SHOULD expel everything from my uterus and put my back to normal. The down sides: heavy cramping, more bleeding, dragging the process out, and the possibility of still having to have a D&C if everything doesn't come out like it is supposed to.

I chose option 2. I started on the Methergine yesterday (3 times daily) and he also prescribed me some Vicoprofen (every 4 hrs) and an antibiotic (2 times daily). I had THE WORST cramps yesterday on my drive to work. When I got to work and onto the bathroom, I had passed some pretty thick tissue (which was probably why I was having such horrible cramping). The vicoprofen apparently was not working like it should have. So I called the doctor again and he said I could take 2 vicoprofen on my next dose time. I took 2, and it made me feel horribly drunk, but the pain was gone. However --- EVERYWHERE on my body started itching. I called the pharmacist and he said I could take Benadryl to counteract the itching. I did, and it helped a LITTLE but not much. I FINALLY got through the end of my shift and drove home.

When I got home, it was time for my next dose of pain meds. I took them gratefully. I also took TWO Benadryl this time, but the pain meds still made me itch all over. It also made me VERY hungry... I ate a banana split when I got home. Then I cut up half a cucumber and ate it. Then I throwing candy into my mouth like there was no tomorrow. Then Daryl said I was going a little bonkers on the food (LOL!) so I decided it was time for bed.

I was so tired I was practically falling asleep standing. But when I got to bed, I remembered instantly why I had not liked taking this medication before. It makes me psychotic at bedtime... LOL! Actually it isn't funny. Each time I would try to go to sleep, I would involuntarily kick my legs. If that didn't happen, I would start seeing and hearing things -- people outside my window talking to me, or little rats gnawing on things under the bed. I would try to think good thoughts, like of Jesus up in Heaven - but then his face would turn into the devil with horns and he'd chase after me. (I know, it's really messed up). I'd try to think of good people doing good things, but they would turn into bad people and come after me with guns. When I tried to drift off to sleep, I would start to yell, but I didn't want to wake up Daryl so I would stop myself and force myself to wake up. I was EXHAUSTED but could not fall asleep because of this stuff. This went on and on and on for over an hour. I'd finally had enough, so I got out of bed and went into the living room. I turned on something pleasant on TV and took a sleeping pill (after getting online to make sure that it wouldn't interact badly with all of the other medication I had taken that day). Finally finally finally, at 3 AM I got to sleep.