Newborn Pics

Here's a link (below) to Max's newborn photos.

Sarah Mansur Photography - Newborn Baby Max

The photographer happens to be one of my best friends and a totally awesome photographer. The first picture is awesome because you can still see the lanugo (which he kept for weeks. making him look like this adorable, furry little creature). The second picture I have hanging in my home! She does such beautiful work. Please, take a look at my sweet baby.

I'll be getting 3 month pictures by her also sometime soon, so make sure and check back for those.

Benadryl

No...not my cat.

So I broke out in hives the other night for some unknown reason. I needed to take some Benadryl to counteract it, so I took some at about 2330. Well, guess who was hungry and decided to wake up at about 0100? Yep. I got up and nursed baby Max (3 months old - I don't feed him formula). For the entire day, the poor little guy (along with myself) was a complete zombie. He woke up for his feedings and was up briefly in the evening for a small amount of time, but for the most part, he slept most of the day. I felt bad for him!
:( However, my sleepy baby returned to normal the next day. (thank goodness)

Almost 3 months old!

Been a While!

Wow, it has been a long time since I have been on here. So sorry! I will try (eventually) to write a little about my "birth story". I had no complications (thank God!) and, despite the pain, it was just an amazing time. The first time I saw my little miracle being lifted up over the sterile curtain in the operating room was just the most amazing, indescribably wonderful moment in my life.



He will be 3 months on October 22nd! I just can't believe it. He is growing like a little weed. He had a short period of time where it seemed like he might have been growing a little slowly, and I was concerned for a little bit. But a lot of people were praying for him and it seemed like he perked up very quickly. Itwas amazing, like he went through an instant growth spurt!



Here's what he can do right now:

• Brings hands within range of eyes and mouth (he likes to suck on his hands - he just started that about 2 weeks ago when we were in Denver)


• While lying on tummy -- at two months -- lifts head 90 degrees to body


• Achieves head and neck control (He still bangs into my head when I hold him up by my head sometimes)


• Raises up and supports himself on elbows (He needs to work on this one a bit)


• Pushes down on legs when feet are placed on a firm surface (he just started doing this, and it's not all of the time)


• Takes swipes and reaches for dangling objects with hands


• Sucks and swallows well during feeding time (he has done this from the very first day...lol)


• Rolls over -- either front to back or back to front. (mainly back to front)

4 days...and 5 hours!

So I might have just bitten into a strawberry that was slightly past its prime. Actually...I might have just devoured about 6 of them that were slightly past their prime. And that, my friend, is because they were covered in chocolate. Wow...let me be the first to admit that I might possibly need some serious help. I'm going to blame that on the baby.

Baby also gets blamed for the fact that, for some strange reason, my favorite smell right now is dirt. Fresh dirt. Not that dirty dirt smell, or like moldy or mildew dirt smell, but like actual dirt from the yard or garden outside. I'm not going to eat dirt, if you were suddenly concerned about that. I just like the way it smells. Weird.

After having contractions all day (Braxton Hicks) and having more than 9 in 1 hour, I called the doctor. He said that since I was having no pain or other accompanying symptom, I would be fine - or if I was really concerned, I could go to the hospital and get checked out. I wasn't really concerned, so I've been downing water like the supply is going to run out. I've had about 3 glasses in the past few hours, so my doctor should be happy. He says that a true contraction will be accompanied by pain also and it's something I'll "know". Hmm. I've had contractions where it feels like baby is suddenly kicking the crap out of my bladder and the sharp pains stop me in my tracks, but I haven't had anything that has lasted for more than a minute. So... I dunno. And that crap about if a contraction feels like my nose, it's BH, or if it feels like my forehead, it's a real contraction - I have no clue what that's all about, because I've had some contractions that felt hard as rocks with no pain attached. So again...I dunno.

I also have had sudden bursts of energy tonight! Have been doing laundry and cleaning type stuff for hours now. I still have soooo much stuff to do to get ready for baby. I don't think I'll ever be fully ready. And I'm not an organized person nor do I know how to organize things well, so this has been rather difficult for me.

P.S. The 4 days and 5 hours is the amount of time until my C-Section!

Charley Horse

So I am 31 weeks now! I can't believe I have been so blessed this far.
Yesterday I flew home from a mini-vacation in Boston. The first flight
was long (4hrs) and very turbulent - the "fasten seatbelt" sign was on
during the entire flight! I loved when I got up to use the restroom a
few times and the flight attendent said "The fasten seatbelt sign is
on!" Uh...ok, but that still doest change the fact that I REALLY have
to pee and have a baby sitting on my bladder!! The second flight was a
little over an hour and turbulent also. So...not great pregnancy
conditions.

I finally got snuggled up in bed at home in the wee hours of the
morning. At about 4am, I woke up with intense pain in my left calf -
hello, chalrey horse!! It felt like it lasted forever but it probably
actually only lasted a couple of minutes. I thought I was going to
die. Ugh. I think I know the unfortunate culprit though... Wearing
heels (albiet small ones) through the airport! Bad Bonnie. I sure paid
for that one.

On a side note, I've read that labor sometimes feels like a Charley
Horse - has anyone else experienced this?

Sweet Tooth, belly playing

I have to say that I have developed a serious sweet tooth. I had one when I was younger -- and that was probably because we weren't allowed to have sugar as kids, so when I grew into a teenager and could get it on my own, I sometimes went a little bonkers with it -- and baby has seemed to have drawn it back. I think about a dessert after every meal; although I don't actually get one, so that's probably good.

Right now I'm really into cobbler and biscuits!! I'm still an ice cream snob (very picky about my brands and won't do "off-brands"), but I could eat cobbler all day long. And Pillsbury biscuits (the big ones, not the small ones!) are just heavenly!!! I haven't really had any cravings like pickles and ice cream though...hmm...no, I take it back. When I was first pregnant I ate some green olives and ice cream, haha!

My favorite thing to do right now is to watch baby move on my belly. I could watch him all day long! I can poke at him and he'll poke me back, it's just too cute. Of course, sometimes when I poke or disturb his happy little home, he punches back with a vengeance...and, although it sometimes hurts, it always makes me a laugh a little. I could seriously do this all day long. Although lately, after he has moved around a lot, it has been making me a little nauseous - has anyone else experienced this?

I still can't believe I am where I am today! I am just completely in love with the little creature inside of me..he goes with me everywhere, keeps me company, plays with me, makes me laugh, I'll rub my little belly and talk to him or tell him goodnight...ahh there's really just no other experience like being pregnant. And after 3 years of heartache, I honestly never believed I would be in this position. Even with all of the nausea and uncomfortableness and physical misery he has cause me, words just cannot describe how thankful I am for my little blessing.

25 weeks

I can't believe I've made it this far! It seems like it could be possible to actually *have* a baby now. I really never thought I would make it this far. People keep asking me if I have all of my baby things and nursery together... and the answer is no. I don't have anything together! We don't really have a room for a nursery, and he'll be sleeping in our bedroom for at least the first few months anyway (then, of course, we'll have to figure out where he'll be sleeping after that, but that'll be in the future....lol). I have bought baby things before (from previous pregnancies) and it always ended in my own heartache (and bad memories from looking at the things I bought), so I learned a long time ago not to buy things in advance. I almost feel that, even now, it would be jumping the gun to buy things. I guess that's weird and I need to get over it.

Tonight I was noticing that he really likes to be pooched up on one side of my stomach. I guess that's the uterus he is in (the left one). It's very noticeable at times! I can't tell if that's where he's sleeping, or if that's where his back/butt are when he's just relaxing, or what, but it's rather humorous to look at my lopsided tummy.

21 weeks!

I 'm 21 weeks now, almost 22. I can't believe I've made it this far! I have some ultrasound pics from a few weeks ago that I need to scan in and post. Everything looks ok, as far as they know. I have another appointment with my high risk OB on Monday - he couldn't see everything in the baby's heart because of the position baby was in, so I'm going back in for another look. And if he can't see everything again, he's referring me to a pediatric cardiologist! That seems a little extreme to me, so hopefully baby will cooperate this time.

I'm still getting my weekly Progesterone shots. They don't hurt too much, but they do make me super tired. I've also been having a lot of cramps. They're like menstrual cramps, only not as severe as the ones I'm used to getting. Either way, they still hurt and I can't take anything for them (since I'm allergic to Tylenol). They come and go, but they're especially painful right after I wake up. Along with them comes lower back pain - yayyyy! That gets bad when I sit down for too long, so I have to get up and walk around a lot. But my doctor has said that everything is normal, especially since there is no spotting or bleeding - or maybe its just normal for me? Since the baby is growing in a half of a uterus and I'm fairly skinny, the uterus has to stretch and my muscles have to stretch out, thus cramping.

So...not much fun, but nothing I can do about it. On the plus side, I've been feeling baby move! I started feeling him move at about 17 1/2 weeks. He was probably moving before then, I just thought it was gas pains. I remember driving with hubby in the car, and I felt a little bump underneath the lap part of my seatbelt. I thought there was some bug crawling down there! So I looked down and put my hand down there to feel or see anything. I didn't see or feel anything, but a few seconds later, I felt it again. I knew that it wasn't gas pains and I knew I wasn't hungry - so when I felt it again a few seconds later, I knew it was baby! Hubby even got to feel him move one time, a couple of weeks after that. I still feel him, more everyday. It's pretty neat!

March 17th, 2006

I can't believe it has been 3 years already. On this day 3 years ago was when I lost my very first baby...gosh, I still remember the day vividly. In a way, it seems like just yesterday; but in a way, it also feels like a lifetime.

Friday, March 17th, 2006:
I was almost 12 weeks pregnant and had stopped worrying that something might go wrong. I was excited about life and the new life growing inside of me. I went to work that evening, feeling fine. I went to the restroom a few hours after beginning my shift, and saw that I was spotting a little. I didn't think too much of it, but went back to my desk and decided to give my doctor a call. I called her and was advised to go to the ER. I then called my husband and had him follow me to be checked out at an after hours clinic.

We went to an Urgent Care place first, but, after briefly seeing me, they advised us we needed to go to a hospital instead. So I left my car there and rode to St. Francis Hospital with hubby. I remember feeling a little panicky but feeling pretty good. I still remember a couple that was there also, waiting to be seen, and the older gentleman looked like he was in a bit of pain, but I was the one who was seen first because of the pregnancy. (I felt bad for him)

They drew my blood and did the other normal stuff, then we waited around for what seemed like forever. They also brought in an ultrasound machine... I still remember the doctor performing the ultrasound while looking a little puzzled at the screen, then he suddenly shut the screen off. He told me the baby just wasn't in a good position to be seen and he was not really an OB doctor so he probably just wasn't doing it right. My mom was working at the hospital that night and she came down to see me. We waited a little longer, then the doctor came in one last time, saying he was discharging me. He gave no explanation except that I might *possibly* be having a miscarriage, I needed to go home and get some rest, and see my doctor on Monday. I was confused because I thought he'd at least be able to give me some better information than that! We went home, puzzled, but still feeling pretty good, thinking the doctor was just kind of dumb and didn't know what he was talking about.

(I later learned that they had taken my Blood HCG levels. They were down so low that the doctor KNEW I was having a miscarriage and the baby couldn't possibly be alive, which he also knew with the ultrasound where he pretended to not know what he was doing - he just didn't have the balls to tell me.)

It was a long weekend. I called my OB Doctor first thing Monday morning. She got me an afternoon appointment. Mom went with Daryl and I to the appointment. I remember sitting in the waiting room, feeling pretty good about the pregnancy, and convinced nothing was wrong, talking and laughing with my mom and hubby. When we finally got called into the room, which seemed like forever, I held my breath while she was doing the ultrasound. Very shortly into it, with hardly any emotion and no compassion, she simply said, "There is no heartbeat." And wow...my world just came crashing down around me. I felt like my heart stopped beating and I started sobbing my eyes out. After looking at me like I was an alien, the doctor left the room to give us some privacy. My mom cried with me and my husband just held me. When the doctor came back, she said I needed to think about a D&C Surgery since I was so far along. I was then led to another room to the lady who makes appointments for surgery. I remember sitting in her office, sobbing more than I ever had in my life, while she calmly explained the procedure and scheduled a day for it (which was the next day or the day after). I was so hesitant to work with her because I knew that would mean the end for the baby, and I wasn't willing to give him up yet! I had so much love for my baby and wanted to be able to do the things that normal parents do... I wasn't willing to accept the facts. But I finally gave in, and once everything was settled, we were allowed to leave out the back way. (Thank God, because who wants to see a sobbing patient, who was just told her baby died, walking out of an OB doctor's office filled with happily pregnant women?)

I remember sitting in the parking lot in hubby's car, clutching the ultrasound pic I had been given, which was the last picture I'd ever have of my beautiful baby. My sister sent me a text saying something like "hey sis, how's my nephew?". I believe I replied with something like "dead" (how's that for tact? sorry sis!). I was in so much anguish I didn't even know what to do with myself. Hubby was hungry and I hadn't eaten, so we stopped by Chile's on the way home. I was still crying a little... I remember the waitress coming to the table and I was choking on saying my order. I then looked up at her and said that I just found out I was having a miscarriage (as if she knew me or cared) - I continued crying and tried to make it through the meal.

The days went on, I had my surgery, but I was never the same. I spent hours and hours over the next month just sobbing and sobbing. I had Daryl lay with me on many nights while I sobbed myself to sleep. He was so comforting! I couldn't understand why this had happened and I blamed myself, thinking there were things I could have done differently or that I had somehow caused this. I remember people telling me that I could just try again, it would happen when it was the right time, it wasn't the end of the world, etc -- BTW dont EVER tell someone that, that's really the most cruel thing you can say to someone in my position. I just needed people to hold me while I cried or to tell me that they were very sorry for my loss, even though most people couldn't possibly know what I was going through. I remember a few days after my surgery, my husband had to go to work one evening. I didn't want to be alone, and he didn't want me to either, so I asked my best friend and her husband (and their infant, as things would have it, but they couldn't very well leave him at home) to come sit with me for a while while hubby did his work stuff. I remember her and I sat in my computer room and we talked and I just cried and cried and cried while she just listened to me and let me cry on her shoulder -- friends like that are amazing, that meant so much to me, I'm so blessed to have her in my life. But I knew I was headed for a long and painful road and I just didn't want to endure it.

Little did I know how long and painful road that would be! I went through a surgery to remove Endometriosis and a vaginal septum 2 months later. In the next 3 years, I had 4 additional miscarriages and 2 additional D&C's. We spent thousands of dollars on Fertility Doctors and treatments, and of no avail.

I got the job I am currently at just 5 months after my first miscarriage. It was still a tough time for me and I remember going into the bathroom often, crying about my baby and grieving over him. A few months after starting my new job, I found out that my best friend was pregnant with her second child, and also in the first month of trying! I remember finding out the news at work... I was so upset and jealous and sad for myself. I wanted a baby so bad and we were having so many problems. I remember talking to a coworker about it the day I found out, and she gently told me that she was sorry for my loss, but I needed to be happy for my friend, and this was about her, not me. (ouch! but that was actually very good advice.)

Since 2006 I've had many friends pregnant with me, including my sister, all of whom have gone on to have their babies, while I was left with nothing but heartbreak. I couldn't help but be jealous of them. I thought my time would never come. Time does help heal wounds, but nothing ever completely takes it away. The hurt was so deep and the anguish was so heart wrenching - I don't know that anyone could understand, unless they have been through one themselves -- but thats not to discount their support, because some of the best support I got was from people who have never been through this.

I know, though chromosomal testing, that the babies I lost were 2 boys with chromosomal disorders, 1 completely healthy girl, and 2 unknowns (those were the 2 natural miscarriages, and they SUCK and are very painful, by the way). I will never, ever forget my first. It got slightly easier with each miscarriage, but they all hurt in their own way.

And here I am now, 3 years later, a completely different person, more mature and grown up, and definitely more jaded. The day my sister gave birth to her second child in December of 2008 was the day I found out that my new pregnancy hormone levels looked good, better than with any other pregnancy, and I might have a chance at actually having the baby I was newly pregnant with! And now today I'm almost halfway through my 6th pregnancy and everything looks good so far! I can't be happier or any more thankful that God has finally blessed me with a baby that at least looks like it has a chance of survival. I don't know why it has happened this way, but I am ever so grateful. I know I will love this child more than I can ever imagine. It has been a long, painful journey...but in the end, God does know what He is doing, and I am thankful for that!

Update and Kicking...

Sorry I havent written in a while... here's a little update:

- It's a boy!!
- I now take weekley Progesterone shots. They are supposed to help me from going into very early pre-term labor. They make me SO SO SO freaking tired though.
- The allergies seem to be letting up, ever so slightly. The stuffy nose is almost gone, except for occasionally while sleeping and any time I get too warm. Yay, thank the Lord!!!
- I've started taking prenatal yoga classes about 2 times a week! I'm not big on the "yoga" part, but I enjoy the stretching and learning to breathe.

Anyway, on Thursday, I felt him kicking me!!! I was riding in the car with Daryl (actually I was driving, but thats a different story entirely) when I felt something moving very low on my abdomen. I was hungry, so I knew it wasn't a rumble from an upset tummy. I thought at first that maybe something had fallen inbetween my seatbelt and my lower abdomen. When it happened a second time, a few seconds after, I pulled the belt out slightly and looked to see if there was anything there, which there wasn't. When it happened a third time, just seconds later, I knew what it was! I said to hubby, "hey, he's kicking me!!!" It felt like a couple of little finger flicks coming from inside. It was really neat!! It's amazing that something that's only 5 or 6 inches long can pack such a tiny punch. I believe the word for the first movements are "quickening". I'd felt it a little before, but this time I was sure that it was baby. :) (I was about 18wks and 3days)

12 weeks, 3 days

My doctor's appointment went very well Thursday, I was very pleased. I have this tendency of freaking out beforehand, thinking about all of the things that could go or could have already gone wrong. I was quite sick to my stomach right before the appointment and was practically holding my breath when he went to start the ultrasound. I didn't see the heartbeat right at first but he quickly measured it and it was 161, which he referred to as "excellent" (yay!).

It was incredible to see the baby moving around in there. I had never had an ultrasound where the baby was moving...I'd never actually made it that far. The last ultrasound that I had around 11-12wks (in 2006) was my very first miscarriage where I found out my baby was no longer alive. So, to be here where I am right now is just incredible. To see the growth, even in 2 weeks, (he'd grown his little arms and legs and fingers and hands!!) was amazing. The doctor showed me where the placenta was and that it was in a good place and doing well, and also he showed me the umbilical cord and how it was doing a nice job of pumping blood to the baby. I can't believe that baby is just so tiny right now yet is so very developed...the miracle of life is just indescribable. I seem to have forgotten all of the misery, nausea, and other uncomfortable unmentionables that I've had in the last 2 months. Well..except the stuffy nose from hell, it's still here, but I'm hoping and praying it goes away very quickly.

And yes...I'm saying "he" now. My doctor said the baby "had potential" for being a boy. Lol! I, for some reason, have been really prepared for a girl, so I might have to change my manner of thinking. But we'll know for sure (or actually, for almost sure, since they're sometimes not always correct) in a few weeks. I've waited so long for this, I really don't care anymore if it is a boy or girl, I just want a healthy baby. I'll leave you with my ultrasound photos that I have finally scanned and decided I am ready to share with you.

P.S. On Monday I'll be out of my first trimester!!! Wheeeee!!!!!!!



This was my very first ultrasound, 12-16-08, 5wks 5days. It's not much to see, but I saw the gestational sac and the little heart fluttering away, so I was pretty excited (especially after I was just certain that I had already lost the baby). I guess the picture on the left is my other uterus. The baby implanted in the left uterus this time - it has ALWAYS been on the right uterus, so maybe that's a good sign?




12-29-08, 7wks 6days. I'm not sure how many pics we can take of just one baby, but apparently at least 6!! It's ok though, I'm not complaining!!!





01-05-09, 8wks 5days (both picture sets). The top one shows that, even though I have two uteri, I only have one baby. Baby is a bit more distinguishable here, but still looks a bit blobby.



01-14-09, 10wks 2days. Hubby says baby looks like a gerbil!



01-29-09, 12wks 3days. My little alien!! He just gets cuter and cuter every time I see him.

12wks, 2 days

Baby does not like food, nor does she (yes, I'm going to call it a she even there's no proof of the sex, so sue me) like it when I eat, nor does she like when I don't eat. Haha. She's gonna have her mama's appetite, that's for sure (and it's a pretty crappy one.) She needs prayers. Lol.

Now, let's clear up a few things:
1) It's not NEARLY as big as it looks.
2) That string thing is part of my pants (it took me a while to figure that out haha)
3) Yes, it was taken from my phone, mainly because I didnt feel like busting out the camera.
4) Yes, my bed is unmade...so sue me.

So quit whining about a picture. And I have an ultrasound tomorrow...I'll post that too! :) (if you're lucky)

Happy 12 weeks!

Well, I'm 12wks today, and its official... I'm totally and completely miserable. I'm certain the baby hates me. My stuffy nose will not go away; it now follows me wherever I go, 24/7. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and it makes it where I have to get up and walk around during the day (every 30 min or so) to even *try* to clear it up. And the prize I get from sneezing and blowing my nose so much is the area below my nose is rubbed raw. I can't even smile without my nose being extra stuffy and my poor cracked, dry lips (and the area above them) cracking even more. I sleep with my humidifier on and Vicks Vapo Rub under my nose, and I still wake up about 10 times a night for stuffy nose. Also my lips are terribly chapped and wont respond to anything. So if its not the nausea, its the stuffy nose. I feel like I've tried every sensible (pregnancy-safe) thing known to all womankind, but somehow, nothing works! I'm now resigned to just sit down and cry. So....baby is obviously having quite the joyous time making my life 1000% miserable. And if it wasn't so terribly unpleasant...it might actually be funny! Happy 12 weeks to me!!

It's Definitely Difficult

I have to say that being pregnant is not as easy as I thought it would be. Why didn't anyone tell me this?! I've been completely miserable almost since I found out [that I was pregnant] a couple of months ago. I know that every pregnancy and every woman is different, so hopefully my next pregnancy won't be as difficult.

At first, I was very very exhausted ALL of the time. I was constantly taking naps, going to bed early, waking up late, and still being tired. That seems to have almost subsided now that I'm 11 1/2 weeks (thank God!) I still get tired, but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

The part that is getting to me now is the queasiness. It's just been one big fat queasy party right after the other, ever since I first found out I was pregnant. I wake up in the morning feeling a bit queasy and very hungry. If I don't immediately get something to eat, I go from "a bit queasy" to "excessively queasy". The problem right now is that I can't seem to find anything that I like to eat (that actually likes me). I'll go to restaurants with Daryl and order something, take a bite of it, and then figure out that , if I eat anymore, it is going to make me barf - so I spit the food out in a napkin (which is very lady-like, and I'm totally proud of myself for doing so). I also find myself scrounging around the kitchen for something to eat, and when I find it, it's usually very small - applesauce, saltines, graham crackers - and it helps to eat them, but only for about 10 minutes until my stomach starts growling again, thus helllllo queasy-time! It's a vicious, never-ending cycle. I don't think that even one day has passed that I have not been queasy. It has made for quite the miserable 2 months!!

On top of that, my allergies have been going completely haywire. I usually take allergy shots (they were a gift from heaven), but I stopped taking them around my 4th pregnancy (didn't want to risk hurting any of the babies, even though my allergy doctor assured me they were find) - and I have paid dearly for that! Now my allergies are completely kicking my butt, all of the time, everyday. Not a day has gone by that I don't sneeze about 100 times (I wish that were a joke or exaggeration!) Then I get a forever stuffy nose that refuses to go away. I even bought a $60 humidifier for my room, hoping that would help...and it so far has, ever so slightly, but not really enough to make a difference. I am currently addicted to that nose spray that I believe comes directly from the pit of hell - Phenylephrine HCL. But my mom tells me I came out of the womb with a stuffy nose, so I think, unfortunately, my stuffy nose is destined to follow me from the day that I was born until the day that I die. (However, it's usually not this bad!)

The queasiness and the stuffy nose are killing me! I am now consumed by envy of women who have terribly easy pregnancies.

Other (super fun) factors, such as peeing ALL of the time and having sore breasts, will probably get worse as the pregnancy progresses, but I don't hardly even notice them anymore, they've just become a part of my life. And the most fun part is crying about anything and everything. I cry while watching TV commercials, while watching TV shows, even while watching a calf and cow interact, and the list is endless! If you look at me wrong, I'm probably going to cry. Haha! Although I sometimes feel like a big dumbdumb, I can handle the crying part too.

Suffice it to say, I feel like this pregnancy has been quite rough on me. I'm not trying to complain (or maybe I am?), just stating the facts. I love this baby more than almost anything in the world and I get more and more excited about him/her every day. I don't know if there's anything in the world like the "1st" baby! (Not that I have forgotten any of my other babies, but I think you know what I am talking about.) Now that I'm almost to 12 weeks, I am begining to think this pregnancy might actually morph into a real live baby! I've guarded myself so intensely on becoming excited about it because I was so afraid of getting hurt. But now, after 4 ultrasounds, seeing the precious heartbeat 3 different times, and seeing him/her actually moving around in my womb, I'm head over heels in love and completely attached. So... THANK YOU to those who have been praying for me, and PLEASE keep on praying that our little miracle continues to grow and be healthy. (My next appointment is January 28th, BTW)

9wks 3days

So, I guess I'm finally going to admit that I'm pregnant. It hasn't exactly been a secret, but I haven't exactly come right out and told people about it. After 5 miscarriages, I really don't think I need to explain my reasoning behind that.

I found out I was pregnant on November 29th. I had an initial HCG test of 82 on December 1st (I was about 3wks 6days), which was a little bit low and led me to believe that this was not a good pregnancy. A week and a half later, I began spotting. I thought that for sure I was having a another dreaded miscarriage and had given up all hope. I had another HCG test done (on the day that my sister was giving birth, no less!) and it was 23,000! So I went in for an ultrasound on December 16th (6wks) and saw that, indeed, there still was a baby in there. I took it VERY easy for about a week and a half after that. I had another ultrasound on December 29th (7wks 6day) which showed the growing baby with a heartrate of 155!! And I had yet another ultrasound on January 5th (8wks 6day) which showed a growing baby with a heartrate of 171. The doctor says this is all well and good so far and he will monitor me very closely. Each time I go in, the ultrasound seems to fluctuate a day or two. The doctor assured me that at this stage, that is perfectly normal (even to fluctuate from up to plus or minus 3 days). As of now, my due date would be August 11th - 4 days after my 25th birthday!!

I know I should be very, very happy about this, and I am, in a way. I'm still just very cautious about it. It was incredible to see the baby with a beautiful beating heart two times, but I've been down that road before, and it led to my own severe heartbreak eventually. The more I see my baby, the more I fall in love with it. The more I love it, the more it will ache if the baby doesn't make it. I just want to be past the point in my pregnancy where I worry everyday....it's really wearing me out.

I have been nauseated, queasy, and extremely fatigued (not to mention other symptoms...) for weeks now. I haven't thrown up (yay!) but would probably feel better if I could. I will grin and bear it, only because I hope there is something better ahead! I have read the articles that say that once you see a good heartrate past 7 weeks, you are very, very likely not to miscarry. But I am still skeptical, because I have been there before already and did miscarry!