It aches... my heart aches.

Now that the "happy meds" are wearing off...I miss you. I miss you so much. I can still see the pitter patter of your precious little heart beating on the monitor of my ultrasound... it haunts me every single day. I still have the ultrasound pictures from the 3 precious times I got to see you, and I look at them often. You were so tiny but I was so in love with you...I would have treated you so well. I would have loved on you and kissed you a thousand times a day... I have so much love to give! I would have taught you the ways of life and taken you to church and taught you about Jesus and God and this whole cruel world, and cherished every moment I had with you. I would have watched you be heald by and loved on by your daddy, and nothing would have made me more proud.

But I didn't get the chance... you were taken too soon.

Right now I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It was different between you and my last 2. I actually got to see you develop a little... I got to see the beating of your heart, I felt a bit of hope inside, like you might actually make it, that you and I both would have lived to hold you in my arms. But now I feel so empty without you. My heart aches every minute of every day. I know it is selfish of me, but I wish you didn't have to leave me. I love you so much.

P.S. Birthday #24 came and went, and I was so doped up that I barely had any idea what was going on. Hubby made me a wonderful lunch and dinner (breakfast was warm pop tarts in bed, yummmmo) and got me a fantastic gift that I can't wait to play with -- words cannot even describe how good he is to me. I slept probably 3/4ths of the day, and before I knew it, the day was gone.

Lucky 24

My 24th birthday is in 2 days.

I remember a week or two before my 21st birthday I had my tonsils taken out. That was not a fun experience, but I made it through and my hubby (who was my then-boyfriend) made it quite a good birthday for me by taking me on a trip to Branson. I also remember on my 6th or 7th birthday, I was playing on the kitchen table with the fructose bag (sugar substitute). I accidentally broke the bag open -- don't ask my why a kid plays with a bag of sugar because the answer is beyond me -- and didn't tell anyone and ran away from it. When my step-dad found it half-poured out on the table, he was furious. He called all 4 of us kids over and asked us who had done it, and of course I lied. He eventually found out and I got spanked for it...yep, on my birthday. That birthday kinda sucked, but it's nothing compared to the one I'm about to have.

Losing a baby is about the most painful thing I've ever been through. I've been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I've been betrayed by friends, I've had a few painful surgeries, I've been abused in my past in some of the worst ways -- but the emotional, physical, and mental pain of those things are hardly comparable to losing my own baby....4 times. I think the only thing comparable would be to lose my husband, mother or father, sister or brother, sister-in-law, or little nephew or niece (of course my 2 best friends are also included in this roster) -- I'm thankful to still have these amazing people in my life. So... my 24th birthday will be 6 days after I found out I was having a miscarriage and just 2 days before my D&C surgery.

On my 24th birthday on Thursday I'll still be in a bit of pain from the surgery, still be a bit doped up with pain medicine, and still be desperately trying to mend a broken heart. That just sucks. And I know the days following it are going to be worse as I sober up from the anesthesia and medications, and have to face reality again. 2008 just has not been my year. I know that God has been merciful to me. I lost baby 2 in January... I was so blessed that God let me get through Christmas before I miscarried, I prayed so hard for that. And if I would have lost this baby ON my birthday, that would have been awful. I don't know why it happened again, but I am thankful it didn't happen on a day that was special to me.

Sorry if this sounds a bit sporadic or does not make sense. I'm still quite doped up from surgery anesthesia and the pain meds I'm on.

Why Did You Have To Leave?

I carried you faithfully for 7 weeks...why did you have to leave me? I really thought that I would be crushed Saturday when I went in for my (emergency) ultrasound and saw your beautiful little heart was no longer beating. But I was rather calm about it. I knew it was coming, I knew it from the very beginning. I tried to convince myself that you were the one, but I could feel it wasn't right. I guess you needed to go to heaven to be with your 3 other siblings? I don't understand it and have a hard tinme accepting it... I wanted you so badly. The sadness comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm ok one minute, but then the next minute I start to well up with tears. People tell me that it will get better with time...but I know better. You were number 4... I don't get any less sad when I pass by a loving mother doting on her newborn. I don't get any less sad when I think about what could have been with you, me, and your daddy -- let's not forget your 3 other siblings that went before you. I don't get any less sad when I think about where I should have been in my pregnancies and how sad I am when my due dates come and go. It cetainly does not get any easier to watch the people whom I was pregnant with go on to have their healthy, beautiful babies. But I can't blame them, it's not their fault you died.


This is killing me inside. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. This is really stupid, but I feel as though I'm not a part of the "parent club". What is a parent club? you may ask. It's a stupid club that I have invented in my mind about people who are parents, especially young or new parents. My best friends are in it (gosh that sounds so junior high school) and I can't even begin to be a part of it. I don't know what it's like to have a little person depend on me every second of the day, or to know what its like to decide what discipline to give a child that is my own, or to have somebody that I can look at and see a reflection of mine and Daryl's love.

My surgery is at noon tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about how I'll feel after because last time I had major bouts of nausea (nooooo fun at all). I know how it feels after, the empty and hurting inside, and I'm not looking forward to it. But what's done is done, I can't change the past. :(