4 Weeks Ago...

It has been 4 weeks and 1 day since my surgery. My "monthly bill" (haha) decided to come back today....with a vengeance! I knew that would happen that way, it's just part of my body trying to get back to normal. Ugh...no matter what kind of painkiller I take, the cramps are still strong. And like true cramps, they come and go as they darn well please. I hate how much of a toll a miscarriage takes on a woman's body, but there is really nothing I can do about it but grin and bear it, and know there are brighter days ahead.

I've been trying hard not to think about my situation. I don't know where it is going to go from here. I don't know if I'll have to endure more awful miscarriages, or if I can even ever have a healthy baby. I don't know how many more miscarriages I can endure! I'd like to think of myself as a strong woman, but I really don't think I am. I feared that I would fall apart after this last miscarriage, but so far I think I have managed to keep it together.

However, lately I have found it very, very hard to look at or be around pregnant women. I most certainly can't be around newborns, but children over a year don't seem to bother me. My best friend's son, who is 2 1/2, is such a doll and I loooooove spending time with him. I feel so special when he wants to sit with me or have me read him a book. I can't help but love on him and give him kisses. (That sounds creepy, but I promise you, it's not!) Same for my 3 1/2 year old niece. I love love love being around her and feel so loved when she wants to be around me. But babies under a year old make me so very sad. Looking at pictures of them or seeing them in person just make me want to violently cry, so I really try to keep my distance. It's nothing about specific babies, per sa, I guess it's just the concept of a baby. I want a baby of my own so badly that it just literally hurts. I ache inside. I want a little baby who looks like daddy but needs me more than anything in the world. I would love my child so very much!!

I love love love my 2 bestest friends (yes...I only have 2 friends, ha!) and love being around them. Haven't spent much time with them lately because we've all been busy. Spending time with them helps keep my mind off of my sorrow and relax me. I know I can be "myself" around them and they don't care. I think part of the healing process is being around people who love and care about you, and you do the same for them. I'm still at the beginning of the healing process.... I know it's going to be a long journey.

I don't understand life sometimes or why things happen the way they do, and I know I'm not meant to. Sometime I wish I could see what was up ahead for me, but I suppose that is what faith is all about...you have to believe it even though you have no proof it will happen.